jeudi 27 mars 2008
Mes dernières semaines
À partir d'aujourd'hui, je blogue trans en français pour moi, mes amis et les autres que ça peut intéresser. .Les sections précédentes, comme je l'ai expliquer, étaient tiré de mon espace MySpace. Dans les dernières semaines, je m'habitue à ma nouvelle réalité de femme, mais surtout de trans. On me fait savoir, sur une base régulière que je e suis pas encore une femme. On me donne du "monsieur" à tour de bras et quelquefois, par accident, gentillesse ou parce qu'on le crois vraiment (et que l'éclairage est mauvais) on m'appelle madame. Ça me fait tellement plaisir... Ma voix s'améliore continuellement et elle est vraiment bonne chez mon orthophoniste. Mais lorsque je franchis la porte de son cabinet, niet, plus de docoureuse voix. Nous en avons parlé cette semaine et techniquement, ma voix de femme est là, il me suffit de me permettre de lui donner vie et surtout, qu'elle prenne un peu de profondeur. C'est qu'elle ne porte pas encore et que donc, elle est encore presqu'inaudible lorsqu'il y a des bruits de fonds (90% du tremps). Côté "body" je commence à angoisser sur le cash de mes opérations, sur l'été qui viendra et mon inconfort à me montrer sur le bord d'une piscine ou d'une plage. Je sens que ce sera l'été le plus long de ma vie. Mais j'essaie de ne pas capoter avec ça et à apprendre à vivre avec mon handicap. Tellement de gens sont gentils et font des efforts visibles pour me mettre à l'aise et me signifier leur acceptation. C'est encourageant et ça aide à focusser ailleurs...
Archive 2008 and final
17 Mar 2008
Living full time
It as now been two weeks since I have been living as a woman full time and a month, since I took my own place, away from my love. I already went to a lot of business gatherings as a woman but now, I am one for 100% of my waking time (I do not sleep with my breast prothesis since my growing buds are aching and need time to breath). So far it as been quite good. I have had several men calling me "sir" but a few called me "madam" and every time, it makes me very happy or upset, depending. My friends are telling me that I look like a mix between a cross-dresser and a woman. I am neither one of them yet. My hair grew and I do not have to wear a wig anymore (what a relief) and my friends and clients are still there and supporting me. My sisters are still making me an outcast but I am less affected by it than I use to. I also moved away from my love but you still see each other every week-end and she now started to go out in public with me. She is still trying to figure out if she can love that new person, but the worst case scenario is that we will be friends for the rest of our lives and the best one, is that will get back together. Although we spent our whole week-end together, there is still no certainty about that. i also am thinking of closing thyis space and opening a French blog that will document my transition since my first goal in opening this spot was to get to no you guys, but I must recognise that the interaction and readership has been very scarse, to say the least...
28 Jan 2008
My coming out post
I won't beat around the bush. This post is translated from my original French post Je n'irai pas par quatre chemins.From birth, I have lived with a timebomb in my head, a bomb which exploded one Saturday morning in August 2007. After this precise moment, I was only sleeping three or four hours a night, I had lost 15 kg (33 lbs) and my life had been turn upside down to a point which was unimaginable to my partner, my near-and-dear, and my circle of friends.Broadly, since I was a child, my brain tells me that I am a woman. To manage this situation, I had developed very strong denial mechanisms. I became the model of "manlyness". I went to the Royal Militairy College (St John's Royal Military College) (and prepared to be an infantry officer), I played American football, and I was a bouncer. But, you see, once my denial mechanisms came tumbling down, I lived with depression that led me to consult a specialist for these things, in Québec.I suffer from gender identity disorder. When a person feels herself ill at ease with the roles or identity of her gender, the doctors say that she suffers from this malady; it is a psychiatric term describing a very grave mood disruption which implies sadness, anxiety, tension, irritability, and affects one in 30,000 people, according to medical statistics. In my case, it is a psychological state of a person who is unsatisfied with the sex in which she was born, and I was diagnosed a type II transsexual.In my situation, the only therapy is transitioning to be a woman. The only other alternative is to do nothing and the consequence of that choice is a severe depression which might lead to suicide.I asked my doctor if there wasn't anything else: injecting me with male hormones, aversion therapy, etc. He told em that for 50 years, all the alternatives have been explored (including electroshock) and that the only treatment which gave positive results was transition. One doesn't change the brain to correspond to the body, one changes the body to correspond to the brain.Furthermore, a scientific debate rages about if GID is an illness or a condition. GID is in the psychiatric bible (which is called the DSM-IV). But this reality might well change because science presents the hypothesis that it is instead a condition present at birth. It seems that during the 7th week of pregnancy, an abnormal hormonal influx happens, so that at the time of sexual differentiation, the body develops as a male, but the brain remains female (see here, here, here, here and here). After birth, amongst social pressures and life risks, the child will forge denial mechanisms which fail sooner or later. Thus, when they fail, the inevitable will become the only reality present at all times.The diagnosis is formal; I have thus begun hormone therapy two months ago, and I started to sleep again. It's another corroborating sign of the diagnosis that has been confirmed by many other health-care professionals and by my own self-knowledge. (I crossdressed in a non-fetishistic manner, in private, from age ten.)I take this news with many joys and sorrows at the same time.Finally, I will be the woman that my brain has always been, and I am very happy, but the anguish of the perceptions of others, the fear of being a freak, the aprehension of losing my lecturing contracts and the culpability of knowing the sadness that this news creates among members of my familly, weighs on me enormously.The most cruel aspect of my situation is having to leave my sweet darling, whom I profoundly love and with whom I have been together for thirteen years. She has supported me, listened, loved, and helped in an admirable fashion, but now I am at a stage which causes her enormous suffering. In order to spare her, I must now permit her to grieve for the man she still loves. This is the most wrenching part of my situation. In the next few months, I will remain (socially, legally, in business settings and otherwise) a man. But from a future time, which I will determine, and after I have undergone facial feminisation surgery, and am recovered from this operation, I will change my status to Michelle Blanc.I am reassured that I will survive, since my current clients and friends know of my situation and offer their support. I am happy to hear this from them and to be witnessing that friendship and professionalism can transcend the identity taboos of our society, and it makes me feel much more secure. I already know that I will be not-so-bad-looking woman. I don't want to be a man in a dress, but already, my friends tell me that I am a a much prettier woman than I am a man (in all subjectivity). I know I will survive this morally, because I have already grown enormously, and life holds for me many more positive surprises, such as being more emotional and able to express those emotions. Like my friend, Martin Lessard, who met me as a woman, said, it seems that I have become calmer and more "civilised". My friend Muriel told me that the shock was not to see me as a woman, but to see me as a man afterwards. She told me that I seem so happy, calm, and comfortable in my skin that afterwards, when she saw me dressed as a man, that it struck her how I had played a character all my life. Let's say that this encourages me.On the other hand, the defects and qualities which you think of when you think of me won't change. I'll probably always have a big mouth for example, and as one has just seen it, it will be "sounding off", without a doubt. As a woman, I don's know why, I don't swear any more and I'm a little more reserved. I'm also more emotional. Altogether, other than my outward appearance, mannerisms, and some minor character traits, I will be the same person who is passionate about people, work, nature, and the simple things in life.Now that the timebomb has gone off, know that I don't intend to go on about this subject here. I will create, in the future, another blog to furnish information about this phenomenon to other people who live with this problem and for those who are interested in the subject or who just want to understand and not be slaves to their prejudices.So, there you go.
03 Feb 2008
Another quite interesting coming out week
Last Monday, I was interviewed by Paul Arcand, Quebec's number one radio talk show host. The interviewis here (in French). After that radio show, the front page of La Presse and my coming out on my main blog, I am now officially "out there". I should mention that my blog readers know my face but the paper article and obviously the radio show did not carry any image of me. I know my readership is well exucated and that they have come to appreciate my brain and expertise. This probably explains why I have had such a warm reception with my comint out post. But I did not want to put my face out ther, in the traditional media, to become the transsexual freak they could easily do with my image. This is why I choose the media I would share my experience with and refused many others that wanted to surf on the news. I did not want to do any TV shows or any tabloid interview ans so far, the stories that came out were very respectful, understanding of GID and helped shape the positive outlook on what is GID. I am very happy about that and I received hundreds of emails from transsexuals that I have helped with my story or of people supporting of my condition. All in all it was a very good thing.
Having started to come out in such a public way, I could not stop there. Since I do have to be feminized to go see my orthophonist (every Tuesday morning) I decided to stay en femme for the whole day. I had a business lunch with a prominent client. It went very well and later that afternoon he told me that the image that was stuck on his mind after our lunch was how feminine my eyes were. On that evening, was the monthly gathering of business bloggers and business people interested in blogging that I started 2 years ago that was happening. I decided to go as I was. The reception was very warm. That cocktail meeting is mostly male and since I started the whole thing, they all know me (about 100 people). So many of them came to greet me and kissed my cheeks, others gave me a soft handshake and others gave me more macho handshake than they never did. Very few where too shy or embarrassed to come and say hello. So I went to them and greeted them. When somebody asked me what was different now that I was becoming a woman I joked and said that now, I can't park my car correctly anymore!
There were few woman at the cocktail and they all told me how good I looked and how happy they were to finally have one more woman to the group. I was very happy about their warmth.
The next morning I went to one of my customer in Drummondville to meet with his employee. When I got there they obviously all had heard the news (I was in male mode) and told me how proud they were of me and how supportive they would be. They insisted that for our next meeting, I should be dress as a woman.
This week-end is a bit sadder as I am packing to move out of my home and to split from my love. But yesterday, after a long and difficult emotional conversation, my love is now more inclined to see my moving out as just a transition pad were she will come to see me and probably get to accept its tenant as a full fledge woman. We joked that all my new furniture will look good in the lodge will purchase once we get back together…
21 Jan 2008
My coming out in Sunday’s paper Current mood: relieved
The article on Sunday's paper about my coming out was not so bad. A couple of things did bug me but all and all, the journalist presented GID in a positive manner and make sure to point out that changing sex is not a matter of choice but rather a matter of survival. The article Changer de garde-robe, can be translated by to change closet. The reactions to the article are very positive and can be found on the journalist's blog,here. This morning, I have been asked by the most popular Quebec radio show host, Arcand, to appear on his show next Monday. Since on the radio, nobody see's my face and I can therefore continue my daily routine without being pointed out by strangers, I'll agree to be there and I am sure it could help other…
20 Jan 2008
It’s four in the morning and I can’t sleep Current mood: stressed
In a few hours I'll receive the paper. I am very anxious since I'll be in it. I am use to be in the paper in economy or technology sections. But this time, I'll be in the human interest part of the paper and it it is going to be about the coming out I did on my main blog and about my condition. The journalist is one of the most read and polemist one in the province. But I know him, he is a blogger and I am sure that he did an honest piece about what I am living. He wanted to stress my "courage" but I told him that I did not really felt courageous. I rather felt that I had no choice but to come out now since I speak often of radical transparency, since I do not want to have to lie about my already visible physical changes and since I would have had to come out at some point or another. Anyhow, what stresses me is the fact that now, a whole lot more people will know about my issues and the other medias are bound to call me all day to also get their piece of the action. Besides reading what will be said about me, this also is a major stress factor. So far, my own communication about what I am living has been received overwhelmingly well. I have received numerous email and comments of love, acceptation and so on and I am now afraid of the possible new spin and following reactions to the story. I am now controlling nothing of the communication channel and that's scares me (in a PR sense). I'll see as the day unfolds…
16 Jan 2008
My coming out reactions Current mood: blessed
I'm ecstatic. The reactions on my main blog about my coming out post were overwhelming. I have received 45 comments on the blog, hundreds of email and several dozens of Facebook comments and mail. All of them were profound and quite positive. I certainly know that there are people who are thinking I am a freak and a deviant and so on but none of them had the guts to speak their mind on my blog. Then again, they would have been trash like there's no tomorrow. Anyhow, this really lifted my spirit. Last night was my first public happening after my community heard the news of my dysphoria. I was out as a man (and I'll be like that until my FFS in June) and the reaction of support and love I received in person was quite touching. People were move by my coming out and they let me know. they also had questions and were intrigued by the whole thing. It was a very interesting and uplifting happening.
The other good news is that I finally found an orthophonist and I'll start my first session today….
Life can be good
10 Jan 2008
My public coming out
Next week I'll do my public coming out on my regular French blog. I cannot hid3e the fact that I am living this transition and I do not want to hide or pretend that the changes my body and spirit are experiencing are not true. Furthermore, what I am living is not my fault, I did not choose that and I should not be ashamed of this condition. I will therefore step up and tell my world about it. for those of you that reads French here it is in avant-première
Je n'irai pas par quatre chemins.
Depuis ma naissance, je vis avec une bombe à retardement dans la tête. Elle a explosé un samedi matin du mois d'août 2007. Comme suite à ce moment précis, je ne dormais que 3 ou 4 heures par nuit, j'avais perdu 15 kilos et ma vie a été chamboulée à un point qui était encore inimaginable pour moi, ma conjointe, mes proches et mon entourage.
En gros, depuis que je suis enfant, mon cerveau m'indique que je suis une femme. Pour gérer cette situation, j'ai développé de très forts mécanismes de négation. Je suis devenu un modèle de « mâlitude ». J'ai fréquenté le Collège Militaire Royal de St-Jean (et suivi la formation d'officier d'infanterie), j'ai joué au football américain et j'ai été bouncer (videur). Mais voilà, une fois mes mécanismes de négations tombées d'un coup, j'ai vécu une sorte de dépression qui m'a amené à consulter l'un des spécialistes de ces questions au Québec.
Je souffre de Dysphorie d'identité de genre. Lorsqu'une personne se sent mal à l'aise de façon persistante avec les rôles ou identité de son genre, les médecins disent qu'elle souffre de cette maladie : c'est un terme psychiatrique décrivant une perturbation de l'humeur très grave qui implique tristesse, anxiété, tension, irritabilité et qui affecte une personne sur 30 000, selon les statistiques médicales. Dans mon cas, c'est l'état psychologique d'une personne qui est insatisfaite du sexe dans lequel elle est née et on m'a diagnostiqué transsexuel de type II. La bombe
Dans mon situation, la seule avenue thérapeutique est la thérapie transitoire qui fera de moi une femme. La seule autre alternative est de ne rien faire et la conséquence de ce choix est la dépression profonde qui peut mener au suicide.
J'ai demandé à mon Docteur s'il ne pouvait pas plutôt m'injecter des hormones mâles, m'offrir des thérapies d'aversion, etc. Il me répondit que depuis 50 ans toutes ces alternatives ont été explorées (y compris les électrochocs) et que la seule thérapie qui donne des résultats positifs est la transition. On ne peut pas changer le cerveau pour qu'il corresponde au corps, mais on peut changer le corps pour qu'il corresponde au cerveau.
Par ailleurs, un débat scientifique fait rage sur la question à savoir si le GID (Gender Identity Disorder) est une maladie ou une condition. Le GID est dans la bible des psychiatres (qu'on appelle le DSM-IV). Mais cette réalité pourrait bien changer puisque la science présente l'hypothèse que c'est plutôt une condition présente à la naissance. Il semble qu'à la 7e semaine de grossesse, un influx hormonal déficient au f--tus, fait en sorte que lors de la différenciation sexuelle, la morphologie devient mâle, mais le cerveau reste femelle. Donc à la naissance, en fonction des pressions sociales et des aléas de la vie, l'enfant se forgera des mécanismes de négations qui tomberont tôt ou tard. Puis, lorsqu'ils seront tombés, l'inéluctable deviendra alors une réalité présente à tous les instants.
Le diagnostic est formel, j'ai donc commencé la thérapie hormonale il y a déjà deux mois et j'ai recommencé à dormir. C'est un autre outil confirmant le diagnostic qui est aussi confirmé par plusieurs autres professionnels de la santé et par la connaissance que j'ai de moi-même (je me travestis de manière non-fétichiste, en privé, depuis l'âge de 10 ans).
Je prends cette nouvelle avec beaucoup de joies et d'angoisses à la fois.
Finalement, je serai la femme que mon cerveau a toujours été et j'en suis très heureuse, mais l'angoisse de la perception des autres, la crainte d'être un freak, la peur de perdre mes contrats de conférencier et la culpabilité de savoir la douleur que cette nouvelle crée chez certains de mes très proches, m'accaparent énormément.
L'aspect le plus cruel de ma situation est de devoir quitter ma douce chérie que j'aime profondément et avec qui je suis en couple depuis treize ans. Elle m'a supporté, écouté, aimé et aidé de façon admirable, mais aujourd'hui je suis à un stade qui la fait énormément souffrir. Afin de la ménager, je me dois de lui permettre de faire le deuil de l'homme qu'elle aime toujours. C'est réellement la portion la plus déchirante de ma situation. Dans les prochains mois, je demeure (au niveau social, légal, d'affaires et autres) un homme. Mais à partir d'un moment que je déterminerai et après avoir subi une chirurgie de féminisation faciale et m'être remis de cette opération, je changerais mon statut pour celui de Michelle Blanc.
Je suis rassuré quant à ma survie puisque mes clients et amis connaissent ma situation et m'offrent leur soutien. Je leur en sais gré car de savoir que l'amitié et le professionnalisme peut transcender les tabous identitaires de notre société, me sécurise énormément. Je sais déjà que je serai une femme pas si moche que ça. Je ne veux vraiment pas être un homme en robe, or déjà, mes copains me disent que je suis une plus belle femme que je ne suis un bel homme (en toute subjectivité). Je sais aussi que je survivrai moralement à tout ça, parce que cela m'a déjà énormément fait grandir et que la vie me réserve encore de nombreuses surprises positives, dont celle d'être maintenant plus émotive. Comme me le disait le copain Martin Lessard qui m'a rencontrée en femme, il semble que j'en deviens plus calme et plus « civilisée ». La copine Muriel quant à elle, me dit que le choc ce n'est pas tant de me voir en femme que de me revoir en homme par la suite. Elle me dit que je semble si heureuse, calme et bien dans ma peau que par la suite, lorsqu'elle me voit en homme, ça lui saute dans la face à quel point j'ai joué un personnage toute ma vie… Disons que ça m'encourage.
Par contre, les défauts et qualités auxquels vous songez quand vous pensez à moi ne changeront pas. Je risque fort de toujours avoir une grande gueule par exemple, même si, comme on vient de le voir, elle sera sans doute mieux « embouchée ». En mode femme, allez savoir pourquoi, je ne sacre plus et je suis un peu plus réservée. Je deviens aussi plus émotive. En somme, outre mon apparence extérieure, mon maniérisme et certains traits de caractère mineurs, je serai toujours la même personne qui se passionne pour les gens, le boulot, la nature et les choses simples de la vie.
Maintenant que la bombe à retardement a éclaté, sachez que je n'ai pas l'intention de m'étendre sur ce sujet ici. Je créerai, à un moment donné, un autre blogue pour fournir de l'info sur le phénomène aux autres personnes qui vivent le même problème et pour ceux qui ont un intérêt pour le sujet ou qui tout simplement veulent comprendre et ne pas être esclaves de leurs préjugés.
Voilà…
Reflecting on my holydays
I haven't written for a while since the holidays were an ecstatic and difficult time all together. There where very good times such as Christmas when my wef's son came over with his girlfriend. He had asked for me to be feminized cause he knew this would make me happy and he felt that he was ready to see it. But he warned my wife to tell me that he might not be able to refrain from cracking out laughing out of nervousness and he did not want me to get offended by it. I did not mind and I certainly could understand nervousness laughing. I myself had already lost it at a funeral so I can certainly relate. But, at Christmas, when he got home with his girlfriend the where both stunned and could not talk for at least three minutes. It seems that I was much more good looking that anything they had imagined. They were completely surprised by it. Let me tell you that it really relieved me. Then the same thing was repeated for my birthday with friends and acquaintances. One of my friend later told me, you know, you do not look like a transvestite and you do not look like a woman yet. You seem to be in between a transvestite and a genetic woman. Another friend told me that I was more civilized as a woman. Overall, everyone seemed to like the new persona they were meeting and this really lifted my spirit.
But I also had discussion with my sister that bared me from my family Christmas this year and it did not went to well. There were also the question of my half-sister, her husband and their two children that are really dear to me. I am the godfather to the eldest and mentor to the youngest. Now they told them about my situation during the holidays. From what I know, they do not want to see me anymore and they cried for hours when they learned the news. I sincerely hope they can come around and I am very sad not being able to talk to them to tell them my side of the story (since I have no clue of knowing how they were told). Finally, my wife and I have come to the conclusion that we were going to split in order to let her grieve her man and to let me express more my feminine side until I start living full time.
24 Dec 2007
An unexpected Christmas
This year I thought that it was going to be my last Christmas as a man. But my sister that is holding the family party this year, does not want to see me and my family for Christmas. This really hurts me for myself but also for my wife and her son since that for the last 13 years, every two years we were the ones providing the setting, food and drinks for Christmas. My wife had always been very generous with my family and all those years, we easily spent at least a thousand bucks per Christmas on food and drinks alone. But this year, since I am now officially a freak, my sister along with the approval of my other sister decided that they did not want to see me. They need some time to accept my dysphoria! Their argument is that since it took me 46 years to accept my condition, they too need a lot of time to do the same. They're getting ready for this by cutting me off from their little perfect lives.
The good news in all of this is that I believed it was going to be my last Christmas as a man but it is going to be my first one as a woman. My wife son asked his mother if I could be dressed as a woman for the little Christmas we'll have together. He said to her that he believed it would really make me happy (which is the case) and that he was very curious to see what I looked like as a woman. He and his girlfriend thinks they are ready to see me as I see myself and therefore, we'll have a family Christmas supper and I'll be the woman I always believed I was. Although this makes me very happy, it does not help me forgive my sisters reactions.
On another front, it's been more than a month that I am on HRT. I also now have a new hormonal regimen since I now have the TS medical specialist, thanks to my cousin that his one of his acquaintance. I can now see my breast grow but I do not feel them yet. My nails keeps breaking up easily and I now see my female waist line for the first time. I also fell very angry and edgy but my therapist tells me it is more related to my family matters than to my HRT. I also received my facial feminization surgery computer simulation and it really scared me. If I look like what had been projected by that so called specialist, I would really hate myself. I hope the surgeon that will operate me will be far better than what I have seen. but it also makes me realize how much of a leap of faith it will be to give my face to a surgeon for that transformation. What will I really look like? Will I be able to live with the results? Will this really improve my life and passing possibilities? Many questions that I'll have to reflect upon.
A merry Christmas to you all and I wish your family will be more accepting that mine is…
10 Dec 2007
I love my wife Current mood: jolly
This morning, she asked me to stop looking for a new place to stay. I spent the week-end en femme and she is now more and more accepting of that fact. I also think that seeing the movie Normal together, has had an effect on how she sees me and herself. For now it is just a delay from the moving date but I see that as a way to better accept my condition and possibly keep living with me no matter what…
Living full time
It as now been two weeks since I have been living as a woman full time and a month, since I took my own place, away from my love. I already went to a lot of business gatherings as a woman but now, I am one for 100% of my waking time (I do not sleep with my breast prothesis since my growing buds are aching and need time to breath). So far it as been quite good. I have had several men calling me "sir" but a few called me "madam" and every time, it makes me very happy or upset, depending. My friends are telling me that I look like a mix between a cross-dresser and a woman. I am neither one of them yet. My hair grew and I do not have to wear a wig anymore (what a relief) and my friends and clients are still there and supporting me. My sisters are still making me an outcast but I am less affected by it than I use to. I also moved away from my love but you still see each other every week-end and she now started to go out in public with me. She is still trying to figure out if she can love that new person, but the worst case scenario is that we will be friends for the rest of our lives and the best one, is that will get back together. Although we spent our whole week-end together, there is still no certainty about that. i also am thinking of closing thyis space and opening a French blog that will document my transition since my first goal in opening this spot was to get to no you guys, but I must recognise that the interaction and readership has been very scarse, to say the least...
28 Jan 2008
My coming out post
I won't beat around the bush. This post is translated from my original French post Je n'irai pas par quatre chemins.From birth, I have lived with a timebomb in my head, a bomb which exploded one Saturday morning in August 2007. After this precise moment, I was only sleeping three or four hours a night, I had lost 15 kg (33 lbs) and my life had been turn upside down to a point which was unimaginable to my partner, my near-and-dear, and my circle of friends.Broadly, since I was a child, my brain tells me that I am a woman. To manage this situation, I had developed very strong denial mechanisms. I became the model of "manlyness". I went to the Royal Militairy College (St John's Royal Military College) (and prepared to be an infantry officer), I played American football, and I was a bouncer. But, you see, once my denial mechanisms came tumbling down, I lived with depression that led me to consult a specialist for these things, in Québec.I suffer from gender identity disorder. When a person feels herself ill at ease with the roles or identity of her gender, the doctors say that she suffers from this malady; it is a psychiatric term describing a very grave mood disruption which implies sadness, anxiety, tension, irritability, and affects one in 30,000 people, according to medical statistics. In my case, it is a psychological state of a person who is unsatisfied with the sex in which she was born, and I was diagnosed a type II transsexual.In my situation, the only therapy is transitioning to be a woman. The only other alternative is to do nothing and the consequence of that choice is a severe depression which might lead to suicide.I asked my doctor if there wasn't anything else: injecting me with male hormones, aversion therapy, etc. He told em that for 50 years, all the alternatives have been explored (including electroshock) and that the only treatment which gave positive results was transition. One doesn't change the brain to correspond to the body, one changes the body to correspond to the brain.Furthermore, a scientific debate rages about if GID is an illness or a condition. GID is in the psychiatric bible (which is called the DSM-IV). But this reality might well change because science presents the hypothesis that it is instead a condition present at birth. It seems that during the 7th week of pregnancy, an abnormal hormonal influx happens, so that at the time of sexual differentiation, the body develops as a male, but the brain remains female (see here, here, here, here and here). After birth, amongst social pressures and life risks, the child will forge denial mechanisms which fail sooner or later. Thus, when they fail, the inevitable will become the only reality present at all times.The diagnosis is formal; I have thus begun hormone therapy two months ago, and I started to sleep again. It's another corroborating sign of the diagnosis that has been confirmed by many other health-care professionals and by my own self-knowledge. (I crossdressed in a non-fetishistic manner, in private, from age ten.)I take this news with many joys and sorrows at the same time.Finally, I will be the woman that my brain has always been, and I am very happy, but the anguish of the perceptions of others, the fear of being a freak, the aprehension of losing my lecturing contracts and the culpability of knowing the sadness that this news creates among members of my familly, weighs on me enormously.The most cruel aspect of my situation is having to leave my sweet darling, whom I profoundly love and with whom I have been together for thirteen years. She has supported me, listened, loved, and helped in an admirable fashion, but now I am at a stage which causes her enormous suffering. In order to spare her, I must now permit her to grieve for the man she still loves. This is the most wrenching part of my situation. In the next few months, I will remain (socially, legally, in business settings and otherwise) a man. But from a future time, which I will determine, and after I have undergone facial feminisation surgery, and am recovered from this operation, I will change my status to Michelle Blanc.I am reassured that I will survive, since my current clients and friends know of my situation and offer their support. I am happy to hear this from them and to be witnessing that friendship and professionalism can transcend the identity taboos of our society, and it makes me feel much more secure. I already know that I will be not-so-bad-looking woman. I don't want to be a man in a dress, but already, my friends tell me that I am a a much prettier woman than I am a man (in all subjectivity). I know I will survive this morally, because I have already grown enormously, and life holds for me many more positive surprises, such as being more emotional and able to express those emotions. Like my friend, Martin Lessard, who met me as a woman, said, it seems that I have become calmer and more "civilised". My friend Muriel told me that the shock was not to see me as a woman, but to see me as a man afterwards. She told me that I seem so happy, calm, and comfortable in my skin that afterwards, when she saw me dressed as a man, that it struck her how I had played a character all my life. Let's say that this encourages me.On the other hand, the defects and qualities which you think of when you think of me won't change. I'll probably always have a big mouth for example, and as one has just seen it, it will be "sounding off", without a doubt. As a woman, I don's know why, I don't swear any more and I'm a little more reserved. I'm also more emotional. Altogether, other than my outward appearance, mannerisms, and some minor character traits, I will be the same person who is passionate about people, work, nature, and the simple things in life.Now that the timebomb has gone off, know that I don't intend to go on about this subject here. I will create, in the future, another blog to furnish information about this phenomenon to other people who live with this problem and for those who are interested in the subject or who just want to understand and not be slaves to their prejudices.So, there you go.
03 Feb 2008
Another quite interesting coming out week
Last Monday, I was interviewed by Paul Arcand, Quebec's number one radio talk show host. The interviewis here (in French). After that radio show, the front page of La Presse and my coming out on my main blog, I am now officially "out there". I should mention that my blog readers know my face but the paper article and obviously the radio show did not carry any image of me. I know my readership is well exucated and that they have come to appreciate my brain and expertise. This probably explains why I have had such a warm reception with my comint out post. But I did not want to put my face out ther, in the traditional media, to become the transsexual freak they could easily do with my image. This is why I choose the media I would share my experience with and refused many others that wanted to surf on the news. I did not want to do any TV shows or any tabloid interview ans so far, the stories that came out were very respectful, understanding of GID and helped shape the positive outlook on what is GID. I am very happy about that and I received hundreds of emails from transsexuals that I have helped with my story or of people supporting of my condition. All in all it was a very good thing.
Having started to come out in such a public way, I could not stop there. Since I do have to be feminized to go see my orthophonist (every Tuesday morning) I decided to stay en femme for the whole day. I had a business lunch with a prominent client. It went very well and later that afternoon he told me that the image that was stuck on his mind after our lunch was how feminine my eyes were. On that evening, was the monthly gathering of business bloggers and business people interested in blogging that I started 2 years ago that was happening. I decided to go as I was. The reception was very warm. That cocktail meeting is mostly male and since I started the whole thing, they all know me (about 100 people). So many of them came to greet me and kissed my cheeks, others gave me a soft handshake and others gave me more macho handshake than they never did. Very few where too shy or embarrassed to come and say hello. So I went to them and greeted them. When somebody asked me what was different now that I was becoming a woman I joked and said that now, I can't park my car correctly anymore!
There were few woman at the cocktail and they all told me how good I looked and how happy they were to finally have one more woman to the group. I was very happy about their warmth.
The next morning I went to one of my customer in Drummondville to meet with his employee. When I got there they obviously all had heard the news (I was in male mode) and told me how proud they were of me and how supportive they would be. They insisted that for our next meeting, I should be dress as a woman.
This week-end is a bit sadder as I am packing to move out of my home and to split from my love. But yesterday, after a long and difficult emotional conversation, my love is now more inclined to see my moving out as just a transition pad were she will come to see me and probably get to accept its tenant as a full fledge woman. We joked that all my new furniture will look good in the lodge will purchase once we get back together…
21 Jan 2008
My coming out in Sunday’s paper Current mood: relieved
The article on Sunday's paper about my coming out was not so bad. A couple of things did bug me but all and all, the journalist presented GID in a positive manner and make sure to point out that changing sex is not a matter of choice but rather a matter of survival. The article Changer de garde-robe, can be translated by to change closet. The reactions to the article are very positive and can be found on the journalist's blog,here. This morning, I have been asked by the most popular Quebec radio show host, Arcand, to appear on his show next Monday. Since on the radio, nobody see's my face and I can therefore continue my daily routine without being pointed out by strangers, I'll agree to be there and I am sure it could help other…
20 Jan 2008
It’s four in the morning and I can’t sleep Current mood: stressed
In a few hours I'll receive the paper. I am very anxious since I'll be in it. I am use to be in the paper in economy or technology sections. But this time, I'll be in the human interest part of the paper and it it is going to be about the coming out I did on my main blog and about my condition. The journalist is one of the most read and polemist one in the province. But I know him, he is a blogger and I am sure that he did an honest piece about what I am living. He wanted to stress my "courage" but I told him that I did not really felt courageous. I rather felt that I had no choice but to come out now since I speak often of radical transparency, since I do not want to have to lie about my already visible physical changes and since I would have had to come out at some point or another. Anyhow, what stresses me is the fact that now, a whole lot more people will know about my issues and the other medias are bound to call me all day to also get their piece of the action. Besides reading what will be said about me, this also is a major stress factor. So far, my own communication about what I am living has been received overwhelmingly well. I have received numerous email and comments of love, acceptation and so on and I am now afraid of the possible new spin and following reactions to the story. I am now controlling nothing of the communication channel and that's scares me (in a PR sense). I'll see as the day unfolds…
16 Jan 2008
My coming out reactions Current mood: blessed
I'm ecstatic. The reactions on my main blog about my coming out post were overwhelming. I have received 45 comments on the blog, hundreds of email and several dozens of Facebook comments and mail. All of them were profound and quite positive. I certainly know that there are people who are thinking I am a freak and a deviant and so on but none of them had the guts to speak their mind on my blog. Then again, they would have been trash like there's no tomorrow. Anyhow, this really lifted my spirit. Last night was my first public happening after my community heard the news of my dysphoria. I was out as a man (and I'll be like that until my FFS in June) and the reaction of support and love I received in person was quite touching. People were move by my coming out and they let me know. they also had questions and were intrigued by the whole thing. It was a very interesting and uplifting happening.
The other good news is that I finally found an orthophonist and I'll start my first session today….
Life can be good
10 Jan 2008
My public coming out
Next week I'll do my public coming out on my regular French blog. I cannot hid3e the fact that I am living this transition and I do not want to hide or pretend that the changes my body and spirit are experiencing are not true. Furthermore, what I am living is not my fault, I did not choose that and I should not be ashamed of this condition. I will therefore step up and tell my world about it. for those of you that reads French here it is in avant-première
Je n'irai pas par quatre chemins.
Depuis ma naissance, je vis avec une bombe à retardement dans la tête. Elle a explosé un samedi matin du mois d'août 2007. Comme suite à ce moment précis, je ne dormais que 3 ou 4 heures par nuit, j'avais perdu 15 kilos et ma vie a été chamboulée à un point qui était encore inimaginable pour moi, ma conjointe, mes proches et mon entourage.
En gros, depuis que je suis enfant, mon cerveau m'indique que je suis une femme. Pour gérer cette situation, j'ai développé de très forts mécanismes de négation. Je suis devenu un modèle de « mâlitude ». J'ai fréquenté le Collège Militaire Royal de St-Jean (et suivi la formation d'officier d'infanterie), j'ai joué au football américain et j'ai été bouncer (videur). Mais voilà, une fois mes mécanismes de négations tombées d'un coup, j'ai vécu une sorte de dépression qui m'a amené à consulter l'un des spécialistes de ces questions au Québec.
Je souffre de Dysphorie d'identité de genre. Lorsqu'une personne se sent mal à l'aise de façon persistante avec les rôles ou identité de son genre, les médecins disent qu'elle souffre de cette maladie : c'est un terme psychiatrique décrivant une perturbation de l'humeur très grave qui implique tristesse, anxiété, tension, irritabilité et qui affecte une personne sur 30 000, selon les statistiques médicales. Dans mon cas, c'est l'état psychologique d'une personne qui est insatisfaite du sexe dans lequel elle est née et on m'a diagnostiqué transsexuel de type II. La bombe
Dans mon situation, la seule avenue thérapeutique est la thérapie transitoire qui fera de moi une femme. La seule autre alternative est de ne rien faire et la conséquence de ce choix est la dépression profonde qui peut mener au suicide.
J'ai demandé à mon Docteur s'il ne pouvait pas plutôt m'injecter des hormones mâles, m'offrir des thérapies d'aversion, etc. Il me répondit que depuis 50 ans toutes ces alternatives ont été explorées (y compris les électrochocs) et que la seule thérapie qui donne des résultats positifs est la transition. On ne peut pas changer le cerveau pour qu'il corresponde au corps, mais on peut changer le corps pour qu'il corresponde au cerveau.
Par ailleurs, un débat scientifique fait rage sur la question à savoir si le GID (Gender Identity Disorder) est une maladie ou une condition. Le GID est dans la bible des psychiatres (qu'on appelle le DSM-IV). Mais cette réalité pourrait bien changer puisque la science présente l'hypothèse que c'est plutôt une condition présente à la naissance. Il semble qu'à la 7e semaine de grossesse, un influx hormonal déficient au f--tus, fait en sorte que lors de la différenciation sexuelle, la morphologie devient mâle, mais le cerveau reste femelle. Donc à la naissance, en fonction des pressions sociales et des aléas de la vie, l'enfant se forgera des mécanismes de négations qui tomberont tôt ou tard. Puis, lorsqu'ils seront tombés, l'inéluctable deviendra alors une réalité présente à tous les instants.
Le diagnostic est formel, j'ai donc commencé la thérapie hormonale il y a déjà deux mois et j'ai recommencé à dormir. C'est un autre outil confirmant le diagnostic qui est aussi confirmé par plusieurs autres professionnels de la santé et par la connaissance que j'ai de moi-même (je me travestis de manière non-fétichiste, en privé, depuis l'âge de 10 ans).
Je prends cette nouvelle avec beaucoup de joies et d'angoisses à la fois.
Finalement, je serai la femme que mon cerveau a toujours été et j'en suis très heureuse, mais l'angoisse de la perception des autres, la crainte d'être un freak, la peur de perdre mes contrats de conférencier et la culpabilité de savoir la douleur que cette nouvelle crée chez certains de mes très proches, m'accaparent énormément.
L'aspect le plus cruel de ma situation est de devoir quitter ma douce chérie que j'aime profondément et avec qui je suis en couple depuis treize ans. Elle m'a supporté, écouté, aimé et aidé de façon admirable, mais aujourd'hui je suis à un stade qui la fait énormément souffrir. Afin de la ménager, je me dois de lui permettre de faire le deuil de l'homme qu'elle aime toujours. C'est réellement la portion la plus déchirante de ma situation. Dans les prochains mois, je demeure (au niveau social, légal, d'affaires et autres) un homme. Mais à partir d'un moment que je déterminerai et après avoir subi une chirurgie de féminisation faciale et m'être remis de cette opération, je changerais mon statut pour celui de Michelle Blanc.
Je suis rassuré quant à ma survie puisque mes clients et amis connaissent ma situation et m'offrent leur soutien. Je leur en sais gré car de savoir que l'amitié et le professionnalisme peut transcender les tabous identitaires de notre société, me sécurise énormément. Je sais déjà que je serai une femme pas si moche que ça. Je ne veux vraiment pas être un homme en robe, or déjà, mes copains me disent que je suis une plus belle femme que je ne suis un bel homme (en toute subjectivité). Je sais aussi que je survivrai moralement à tout ça, parce que cela m'a déjà énormément fait grandir et que la vie me réserve encore de nombreuses surprises positives, dont celle d'être maintenant plus émotive. Comme me le disait le copain Martin Lessard qui m'a rencontrée en femme, il semble que j'en deviens plus calme et plus « civilisée ». La copine Muriel quant à elle, me dit que le choc ce n'est pas tant de me voir en femme que de me revoir en homme par la suite. Elle me dit que je semble si heureuse, calme et bien dans ma peau que par la suite, lorsqu'elle me voit en homme, ça lui saute dans la face à quel point j'ai joué un personnage toute ma vie… Disons que ça m'encourage.
Par contre, les défauts et qualités auxquels vous songez quand vous pensez à moi ne changeront pas. Je risque fort de toujours avoir une grande gueule par exemple, même si, comme on vient de le voir, elle sera sans doute mieux « embouchée ». En mode femme, allez savoir pourquoi, je ne sacre plus et je suis un peu plus réservée. Je deviens aussi plus émotive. En somme, outre mon apparence extérieure, mon maniérisme et certains traits de caractère mineurs, je serai toujours la même personne qui se passionne pour les gens, le boulot, la nature et les choses simples de la vie.
Maintenant que la bombe à retardement a éclaté, sachez que je n'ai pas l'intention de m'étendre sur ce sujet ici. Je créerai, à un moment donné, un autre blogue pour fournir de l'info sur le phénomène aux autres personnes qui vivent le même problème et pour ceux qui ont un intérêt pour le sujet ou qui tout simplement veulent comprendre et ne pas être esclaves de leurs préjugés.
Voilà…
Reflecting on my holydays
I haven't written for a while since the holidays were an ecstatic and difficult time all together. There where very good times such as Christmas when my wef's son came over with his girlfriend. He had asked for me to be feminized cause he knew this would make me happy and he felt that he was ready to see it. But he warned my wife to tell me that he might not be able to refrain from cracking out laughing out of nervousness and he did not want me to get offended by it. I did not mind and I certainly could understand nervousness laughing. I myself had already lost it at a funeral so I can certainly relate. But, at Christmas, when he got home with his girlfriend the where both stunned and could not talk for at least three minutes. It seems that I was much more good looking that anything they had imagined. They were completely surprised by it. Let me tell you that it really relieved me. Then the same thing was repeated for my birthday with friends and acquaintances. One of my friend later told me, you know, you do not look like a transvestite and you do not look like a woman yet. You seem to be in between a transvestite and a genetic woman. Another friend told me that I was more civilized as a woman. Overall, everyone seemed to like the new persona they were meeting and this really lifted my spirit.
But I also had discussion with my sister that bared me from my family Christmas this year and it did not went to well. There were also the question of my half-sister, her husband and their two children that are really dear to me. I am the godfather to the eldest and mentor to the youngest. Now they told them about my situation during the holidays. From what I know, they do not want to see me anymore and they cried for hours when they learned the news. I sincerely hope they can come around and I am very sad not being able to talk to them to tell them my side of the story (since I have no clue of knowing how they were told). Finally, my wife and I have come to the conclusion that we were going to split in order to let her grieve her man and to let me express more my feminine side until I start living full time.
24 Dec 2007
An unexpected Christmas
This year I thought that it was going to be my last Christmas as a man. But my sister that is holding the family party this year, does not want to see me and my family for Christmas. This really hurts me for myself but also for my wife and her son since that for the last 13 years, every two years we were the ones providing the setting, food and drinks for Christmas. My wife had always been very generous with my family and all those years, we easily spent at least a thousand bucks per Christmas on food and drinks alone. But this year, since I am now officially a freak, my sister along with the approval of my other sister decided that they did not want to see me. They need some time to accept my dysphoria! Their argument is that since it took me 46 years to accept my condition, they too need a lot of time to do the same. They're getting ready for this by cutting me off from their little perfect lives.
The good news in all of this is that I believed it was going to be my last Christmas as a man but it is going to be my first one as a woman. My wife son asked his mother if I could be dressed as a woman for the little Christmas we'll have together. He said to her that he believed it would really make me happy (which is the case) and that he was very curious to see what I looked like as a woman. He and his girlfriend thinks they are ready to see me as I see myself and therefore, we'll have a family Christmas supper and I'll be the woman I always believed I was. Although this makes me very happy, it does not help me forgive my sisters reactions.
On another front, it's been more than a month that I am on HRT. I also now have a new hormonal regimen since I now have the TS medical specialist, thanks to my cousin that his one of his acquaintance. I can now see my breast grow but I do not feel them yet. My nails keeps breaking up easily and I now see my female waist line for the first time. I also fell very angry and edgy but my therapist tells me it is more related to my family matters than to my HRT. I also received my facial feminization surgery computer simulation and it really scared me. If I look like what had been projected by that so called specialist, I would really hate myself. I hope the surgeon that will operate me will be far better than what I have seen. but it also makes me realize how much of a leap of faith it will be to give my face to a surgeon for that transformation. What will I really look like? Will I be able to live with the results? Will this really improve my life and passing possibilities? Many questions that I'll have to reflect upon.
A merry Christmas to you all and I wish your family will be more accepting that mine is…
10 Dec 2007
I love my wife Current mood: jolly
This morning, she asked me to stop looking for a new place to stay. I spent the week-end en femme and she is now more and more accepting of that fact. I also think that seeing the movie Normal together, has had an effect on how she sees me and herself. For now it is just a delay from the moving date but I see that as a way to better accept my condition and possibly keep living with me no matter what…
Archive oct 2007
08 Nov 2007
The responsibility of sharing dilemma Current mood: pensive
Last night I have had a meeting with co-authors and the publisher of a book we all wrote on the subject of blogging. We were their to signed advance copies that were bought prior to the official release of the book. I already told my publisher about my transition and she agreed to publish a book about it if I ever choose to do so. Now after we all signed the copies, I went outside to smoke a cigarette and told what is happening with me, the two remaining co-authors that did not already know about my condition. One of them is a much respected online Ad wizard and viral marketing guru in Montreal. When I told him about my upcoming transition, he told me a story about Brad Pitt. He told me that when he was 17, his mother told him that he was very attractive and quite smart and that these gifts of nature came with a responsibility. He said that you can't just keep the gift life gives you and not do something for others with it. He the went on to say, that I had a gift for communicating in a humorous manner, that I already was well respected and that I already was all over the media. Therefore, the fact that I suffer from GID was a sign of destiny that pointed me towards making that condition known and accepted by the general public. He said that I had the responsibility to share my experience and to tell that story to make it more common for other TS and for the regular folks. He said that it was sad that this condition was still taboo and that if there was one person that could change that in our province that would be me.
I told him about the communication strategy that my PR advisors settled for me which was to only talk about it once on my blog, and to give an in depth interview to a very serious media (printed of TV) and to then not talk about it in order to keep the focus on my expertise rather than on the fact that I will become a TS. They said that they do not want me to become the media transgender circus freak that the media could make of me and that could very well hurt my practice. My friends said that on the contrary I should tell the world right now about what I am going thru and make it mundane rather than keep it a secret that keeps giving the impression that it is something you should be ashamed of and that it is something we should not talk about. He said "so f***ing what if you become a media circus freak"? You have back bones and you certainly can deal with this! In fact, it would be a good thing if you became one since it would give positive exposure to GID and it would be balanced by the fact that you already are well respected. He reminded me that I said that all my clients were already supporting me! So what was I afraid about? He also told me "in a year from now, when you'll give conferences on the importance of being transparent in your Web communications, how will you be able to justify that you lied about your condition that became so apparent, for all those months? I replied that this condition is of personal nature and that the world does not have to know before I am ready willing and able to share the news with them. He said it was total crap and that I had the burden of responsibility that came with the gifts of nature and with that condition that was send upon my path!
I am now really questioning what I should do about all this. He certainly has a point in the responsibilities I have towards my fellow sisters and towards the community at large. I also have a moral dilemma with keeping this secret since I am outgoing by nature, I love to share and I already lecture people about the new realities of the Web which is now made of the tyranny of transparency. But then again, I do not know if I will be able to walk the streets feeling good about myself and at the same time, having all those potential fingers pointing at me? I do not know if I can live with being the TS spokesperson for the rest of my life and I am really scared about that responsibility I know I have to fulfil one way or another at some point in my process. I'll sleep on it for several nights (when I can sleep), I'll discuss it with my therapist but I already know that this makes sense and that it is more in sync with who I am than to act like I am ashamed of what I am going thru…
05 Nov 2007
Going shopping
Last week, I went shopping as a woman for the first time. I chose a Wednesday night which usually is quieter at shopping malls. I went to a Winner and it was fantastic to look at tops, squirts, dresses and winter coat and actually been able to try them on in the lady try out section. I chose several pieces that I am very anxious to wear in public again. It went fairly well and the girls that let me try the outfits at the try out section, did not say anything bad (although they giggled all the time) and did not seem to really care if I was a man in a dress or not. It was again another test I am, imposing myself in order to start blending in and getting accustomed in my future role as a full fledge woman.
Electrolysis
On Saturday, I went for my second laser electrolysis. My doctor prescribed me EMLA which is a topical anaesthesia and it really worked. The area (my beard and chess) were frozen just enough for me to not feel the pain of the procedure. I am happy to report that after only 2 sessions, my breast is now rid of hair. I still have a couple of grey hair that will have to be treated with regular electrolysis. As for my face, I react really well to the treatment and 4 or 5 more sessions and I'll be beard free (again, except for a couple of grey hairs that will be removed with other means). I am very lucky to be almost hair free. This used to shame me when I was in negation of my female side but now that I fully am aware of my GID and ready to become a woman, this is quite a relief…
03 Nov 2007
Question for you guys
I have had a meeting with my PR crisis management team. Since I am a respected and well known expert in my field, I am in the traditional Medias almost every week to comment on various aspects of the impact of the web on business settings. Economic and technology journalists are the main type of journalist that are requesting my views. The news of my coming out is therefore bound to make the front page of every local newspaper (from what my team tells me and I tend to agree with them). So in order not to make me the circus transgender freak that the media might want to make of me, the PR tactic my team are suggesting me is to make one nad only one statement of my coming out on my regular blog and to give an in-depth interview at only one very serious media. As for the other media, if they want to know or write about my coming out, they will have to go thru a PR agent that will ask them what is the new angle they want to portray and since every angle will already have been cover by the serious media (with a big accent given to the scientific facts about GID), the matter will just die by itself.
Now, here is my problem for your consideration. In my public conference, I speak often on hew the web as made it very important to be transparent in the new Web communication setting. So the crisis management suggestion goes completely against what I preach. Furthermore, I also am now aware that being a TS is very difficult and that the medical establishment treats us like shit and the the adequate health services that we pay for by our taxes is not there to support us at a time when we need it most. And I want to shoot at that injustice and change and educate people.
But then again, I do not want to spend the rest of my life as that transsexual labelled freak that the media will request whenever they feel they need to cover the topic. In our province, we have a lawyer that is also "the transgender media freak" and when people are talking about her, they are talking about the transgender and forget that she is a lawyer and I presume her practice has gone down the drain.
So what are your thoughts on these questions? How can I remain an expert that his sought after for her knowledge and expertise and how can I help my fellow transgender sister and educate people about that very difficult problem without jeopardising my expert image, my life as a woman and my future? I want to help out and change things but I do not want to become and be labelled as the media gender freak
Many more “en femme” gatherings Current mood: calm
For the past two weeks I went out more and more en femme. I event went to see one of my client (a tall woman clothes designer) dress as a woman. She was very impress with my look and mannerism. We spent the afternoon looking at her web issues then she told me "if it was not for your voice, I would believe that you are a woman". We then looked at her line of clothes and I was ecstatic to try on some of her fine woman suits. It is money in the bank since I am not going to take my picks until my new woman figures are set (in a year from now).
Going out by myself
After that afternoon with my client, I went out to a local Montreal Starbuck to meet with one of my cousin. He was stunned by my feminine look. We stayed at the coffee place for a couple of hours and nobody seemed to care about that 6'2" tall woman. One of the acquaintances of my cousin came at our table to greet him and sat with us for a couple of minutes. My cousin introduced me as is female cousin and that guy seemed to acknowledge me as a member of the female sex. I spoke very few words in my best female voice and he seemed truly convinced that I was a woman. If he was not convinced, he was gentleman enough not to give me weird looks or hints at the discomfort he might have felt being sitting with a transvestite. That was another reassuring moment for me. We then walked along a very busy avenue in Montreal to go meet my cousin boyfriend (he is gay). The next day, my cousin phones me and told me that he was very mad at some old guys that gave me weird looks on the street the night before. I told him that since I was speaking in my male voice on the street, which probably was a dead give away. I also realised that when I myself see somebody that look at me in a strange way, I am telling myself that he is wondering about my height rather than my masculine look. This is helping me cope with the possible stares. But then again, I also realise that in broad day light, or when I am tired, I have a masculine look that will have to be corrected with FFS. I have seen pictures of myself that are a testament of what I still have to do in order to become a fully acceptable woman and I intend to do so.
The next few days
The following days, I went out by myself in the gay ghetto in Montreal. I was well received by the various people I met but I am also realising that this is not my crowd and that I felt wrong being there. The gay culture does not seem to fit with me and I will have to develop the guts to go out at regular bars and restaurant and experiment with being in a non-gay setting. It is reassuring going to gay places since I know they might not be discriminating as the heterosexuals could be but then again, I do not want to be ghettoized for the rest of my life and I will have to accept my condition in real life settings.
Then there was Halloween!
My good buddy had a wine and cheese party at his home for Halloween. His theme for this year was "the far-west". All the people that were there were heterosexual couples. I went by myself since my SO does not want to see me as a woman and since most of the guest that were going to be at my budy's party were friend of mine. I went there as a 19th century "madam". I was a smash. The girls were jealous of my long legs and of my style and make-up. Some of them told me that I should give them make-up crash course. That felt very strange since I only have been putting make-up for maybe 12 times in my whole life. But then again, it was very reassuring to me. My male friends told me I looked better as a woman than as a man. Some of them were intrigued by my breast and wanted to feel them. I told them that for this first time I would not mind but that once they'll be real, I would punch them in the face it they ever venture to touch them (it was told as a macho joke since they've all know me as the epitome of a macho guy). I felt very comfortable being a woman amongst my friends. The first five minutes were awkward but then everything fell in places. The following Monday, I was a speaker at an event were one of my woman friend and her husband that were at the wine and cheese, also were there. My woman friend, after the event, approached me and told me that it was a shock to see me as a man after seeing me as a woman. She told me that I looked so happy and natural as a woman that seeing me as a man a couple days later was very awkward and shocking. She could not correlate the image of me as a woman with the macho, loud mouth and sad looking male I was on Monday. It was easier for her to accept me as a woman than to accept me as a man! She also accepted to be one of my "feminity" coach and we will go out as girlfriends to have supper in town and to shop, so she can pin-point areas of mannerism, posture and so on, that I have to improve in order to fully pass.
Then there is my wife
Things are getting harder and harder with my wife. I went to see a second psychologist to get my second set of diagnosis that is required by surgeons for the transitioning process. When I went there I told her that I was going to split with my wife event if we both deeply love each other. She then told me the strangest thing. She said that all the transsexuals she meets (man or woman), tell her of how good their marital relationship was prior to the first diagnosis og gender dysphoria and that that was very peculiar since in socalled "normal" heterosexual couples, that was not the case. Most of them talked about how difficult it was to be in couple with their spouse. But for the transsexuals, they unanimously reported a very healthy and fulfilling relationship with their spouse prior to the emergence of their gender problem. She said that I should tell my wife that she could see her and help her thru the acceptance of my condition and that we could have a chance of being happy together even if I change sex. She helped many couples go thru that process and after all is done, they have a very healthy relationship (that includes sex) and their story are the most touching love story you could ever hear of.
I was very uplifted with this speech and I was eager to share that with my SO. But when I did, an eruption of sadness, anger and pain occurred, My wife told me that she had been very supportive of my situation (which is very true) and understood that I had no choice but to transition and that by being sceptical or the need she has to end our relationship, I was not giving her back the understanding that she gave me. She told me that as I have no choice but to become a woman, she has no choice but to leave me. This was not a matter of choice for her since she could never fall in love with a woman and that she is in the process of grieving the man she loves. She said that we definitely have to split and that maybe someday, when the man will disappear, she could become friend or love again the new woman she'll learn to discover.
I also told her (without saying this was a remark from my therapist) that the menace of leaving me if I become a woman was kind of bargaining chip to keep me from transitioning. This was too much for her to hear (and very inadequate for me to say, even if I believe it) that it sent her thru the roof. She told me how inconsiderate I was, how I do not support her and share her pain of leaving me and so on. So the last couple of days were very horrible for both of us and I will definitely have to leave. I fell more and more sad being a man and I can't wait to put my girl attire. But I cannot do so at home when she is there since it clearly affects her. So I wait for her to go to sleep so I can put on my breast and nightgown and go to sleep in the guest room. When I wake-up, I keep my breast under my man dark bathrobe and since she does not really see them, she does not bother. But I have to experiment being a woman more and more in order to develop and perfect the woman persona that I will soon have to live for the rest of my life. It is proving very difficult for both of us to do so while leaving under the same roof. So I now know, realise and accept the fact that we will be apart and we are aiming for January as the month that will split and go on with our separate life. I do not fell the pain of the separation since I am telling myself that it is just a phase she is going thru and that she has to grief her male husband but that we will be back together someday…
17 Oct 2007
Going out en femme Current mood: cheerful
This week-end and Monday, I went out en femme, first, to go out on Saturday night, then to go see my therapist, as he requested. For Saturday night, I wanted to know what it was like to walk in broad day light, as a woman. I went on a very busy street in Montreal, just walking around on the sidewalk. I did not get any bad looks and the people that looked at me did not seemed particularly shocked or intrigued by my appearance. I then went to the liquor store to purchase a bottle of wine. On the floor, I saked for wine suggestions to the woman clerk that was there, she walked along with me and provided me with suggestions. She must have known I was a transvestite since I made no efforts to hide my voice. Then at the counter, the male cashier looked at me in a puzzled way. He looked like he suspected something but he did not said anything and I did not provided clues since I was silent. Then I called one of my brothers and asked him if he was ready to see me dress as a woman. He invited me over. When I got there, he and his girlfriend were first amazed at my transformation. My sister in law told me that my sisters would be jealous of how good I look as a woman. She was tryly delighted of having a new girlfriend to chitchat dresses and make-up with. She also told me that she could never imagine that we could be talking about such subjects one day. My brother was unease at first, quite understandably. But he got warmer and soon we were as we always have been, except that I was now looking likes a woman. We joked a lot, took a couple of drinks then I was set to go to the rest of my evening. While I was at my brother I received a phone call from my wife, asking me what I had planned for the evening. I told her that I was at my brother as a woman. She could not believe it at first and was truly surprise to hear about my brother acceptance of my situation.
For Saturday night, I had planned for a girly supper with a TS friend that I met on MySpace. I got to her place then we went to the gay village in montreal. The restaurant we stopped for supper already had a transgender happening that we accidentally happened to crash. We sat with these people and had a very good conversation about transgender issues and so on. then my friend and I went to a bar and took another drink. that friend is very young and I soon discover that we might have subject to discuss but to go out together is kind of awkward. Especially that when we got ther, she met with another of her TS friend that was already there. They started talking, turning their back at me while at the same time, inviting me to join the conversation. I then left them and went on my own to another bar. The ret of the evening was kind of boring since the bar was empty (it was kind of early for people to show up but kind of late for an old gal like me) and I came back home.
On Sunday, my brother phone me to tell me that he received shit from our half-sister that heard about me having been there as a woman, from my wife. She told him that he was being manipulated by me and that by accepting to receive me dress like this was just encouraging me in my mental sickness that has to stop. She even told him she was going to get rid of me as the legal tutor of her two children 9which are like my own) if I was to become a woman. My brother told her that he was not being manipulated, that he was sane enough to make his own decision, that I look3ed surprisingly good as a woman and that he would support me no matter what. E felt reassured by my brother reactions but seriously hurt at the prospect of possibly never see my nephews again. Let's say that she (and others in the family), have a very long way to go before accepting me.
On Monday, I got ready to go see my therapist as a woman. He was very impressed to see me dress like that and he told me that as long as I do not speak, I could already successfully pass as a woman. He also told me that my mannerisms were already very feminine and that he was now even surer of the success of my transition. Those words gave me great relief.
I then called one of my ex associate and friend and asked him if he was ready to see me en femme. He said yes but he could not see me before 1.5 hour. In the meantime I went shopping for "en femme" for the first time. The experience was very positive and I even received a honk from a driver that noticed that I had dropped my cell while going out of my car. In the shop, I forced myself to speak in the best feminine voice that I could and I tried a shirt that I bought, along with a pair of gloves. Every body in the shop treated me as if I was a woman and that felt really good. I then got to my friend and chitchatted with him. He was very surprised at first but then we were joking as we always do. He told me that I looked better as a woman than as a man. He also invited me for his traditional Halloween party and that since his theme this year is the Wild West, he would be glad to see me there as a cowgirl if that was my wish.
Overall, those experiences helped me come out of my shell and I felt really good walking around, driving, shopping and interacting as a woman. Another thing, yesterday I was a speaker at an event for the clothing industry, to explain how the Web could help them out. In the group, there was a very good designer that specialized in tall woman apparel. I already spotted her brand and said to myself that I was going to look for her stuff when I could get around to it. Now, after my presentation she approached me and asked how we could work together since she was an SME that could probably not afford my consulting fees. I then asked her to wait for me outside, since I could work for her but that I had to talk to her in private first. I then explained to her what my situation was and that I would really be glad to help her out if we could come to an agreement and batter my fees, for her line of clothes and her expert advice on femininity matters. She is a very tall stunning woman that radiates class and good taste and her line of clothes are just what I was looking for. So we came to an agreement and I will start giving her advice next week. I also believe that we could become very good friends, that she might develop a niche for transgender people (which would definitely be needed) and that she could be the best coach I ever dreamed of. So, all and all, I still suffer from my family rejection but I really cherish the other kind of support I have from friends, clients and even strangers…
By the way I added a picture of myself from the day I went to see my therapist en femme. It is a bit fuzzy (it's hard to picture yourself) but you get the Idea…
10 Oct 2007
The strangest reaction so far Current mood: rejuvenated
Yesterday I was at one of my most important client. The president is a man and the owner is his wife. We all had lunch between the morning and afternoon sessions with two different groups of their employees. After lunch, on the way back in their SUV, I told them about my situation and about the transition I am about to start. after I told them I was transsexual and that I was going to change sex the owner exclaimed " Wow that's so cool"! I was completely cut off guard be her reaction. I knew she was an open minded person but never would I have thought that she would find it "cool". After her initial reaction, she calm down and told me about how much I must have had pain with this issue and that she was really happy for me that I could become the woman I always dreamt to be. She also told me that they'll take care of their employees when the time will come and that they will keep working with me no matter what and that they will not stand behind any employee that might be negative towards me. We then joked about finding clothes for tall woman (she is 5'11'') and went back for the afternoon of meeting. I left my day there puzzled, relieved and very happy about this unforeseen, very positive reaction.
08 Oct 2007
My wife’s a sweetheart Current mood: happy
Friday, when I went to see my therapist, he told me to come and see him dress en Femme for our next appointment. This idea really excites me and gives me the creeps at the same time. Although I have been cross-dressing extensively for the last two years, I only have been out of my condo two times, at night and the pictures in my profile where taken then. So I am very nervous of venturing out in broad day light and I also am very scared of encountering neighbours on my way there and back. Then again, I'll have to venture out some day.
So as I usually do, when I got back from the therapist, my wife and I discussed what happened. Even though we are going to live apart, She is very concern of my well being and supportive of the changes to come, on a rational level anyway. She knows I am a transsexual, she understands the implications for me and she wants me to succeed in becoming the best woman I could be. She is also worry about the rejection I might suffer (and that I already am experimenting with my family). So she agreed to see me cross-dressed for the first time. It was a big shock for her since when she got back sooner than expected from her day long shopping, I told her I was just starting to put make-up and was already dressed in woman clothes. She told me she was ready to see me but since I only had time to put foundation, I looked very pale. She cried for a while and asked me to remove the wig and make-up. She then took a long look at me and agreed to let me spend the next week-ends dress as a woman, as long as I do not put a wig and make-up, since it really scares the hell out of her.
The following day, she was going shopping for herself and I was accompanying her. She then decided to shop for me and help me with outfits. We picked-up to wool tops and a belt (since it is getting much colder up here in Canada). When we got back, she asked me to give her a fashion show. I showed her everything I had already bought and she commented on what looked pretty and what was bad. She really helped me feel more comfortable with the woman inside me that is just starting to express herself. I was ecstatic and she now knows that she'll be able to help me thru the stages I will go thru and that we will be able to remain friends for the years to come. She definitely is a sweetheart. I just hope that someday, she can fall back in love with the woman I will become…
04 Oct 2007
My other sister
I have been on the road for the last few days. I was speaker at a national event that was held in the national capital, where my other sister also lives. So I went to see her at her place and I had supper with her and her husband. She was much warmer than the rest of the family and she recognized that I am not crazy. Nevertheless, her husband that started the conversation quite aggressively by telling me that my practice would die and that I would starve to death since nobody in the business community would dare give me contracts when my issues will be known to the public, got a little warmer towards my dysphoria as the evening progressed. My sister told me that she knows how much I am suffering from all that rejection and from all the turmoil and anguish I will suffer from losing my wife, changing sex, dealing with all the issues surrounding all these and from the related survival and money issues. She told me that she will always love me and she'll try her best to be accepting the new me but that she will probably have problems doing so. She also told me how distress she will be by having to deal with this and explain this to her son (who's now 3) as he gets older. She also told me that eventually everything will fall into place but that I have to be patient with everybody and wait for them to come around, if ever. I replied that fortunately I have friends that are already supportive and that I suffer a great deal that the people most important to me (my wife and family) could not deal with the situation. I also said that I had been deeply hurt be everybody's reactions and when they'll come around, I might also ignore them since the acceptance road goes both ways. Since everybody are so selfish in looking at their own issues, I might do the same at some point and I also have to protect myself from all this negativity and surround me with positive friendly people in order to succeed that treatment that will make me a complete woman.
Overall I felt understood, loved and also scared that for times to come, I'll be rejected by my whole family. But I also know that she will do her best to reason them and that she will try very hard to be accepting herself when my body and personality will start to change. Anyway, the future will tell…
01 Oct 2007
I told my father
Yesterday I told my father about the fact that I'll become a woman. He took the new relatively well. But then again, everyone in my family took the news relatively well until a few days later when the start insisting that I see a psychiatrist sine it is now obvious that I am crazy. That being said, I told my father about the wave of rejection that everybody is giving me and that I'll have to accept their fears and feelings and that I'll have to keep going on with my life. He assured me that he will not have a change of heart and that he will be fine with my explanations and with the sickness which triggers my sex change. Since he is gay and since he works and dancers bars, he witnessed a lot of sex changes in his life and he can understand that it is not a choice but rather an obligation to do so. Although he is in a state of shock he will try to reason my brothers and sisters. He told me that no matter what, he'll be there.
Time will tell! Later today, I'll have supper with another one of my sisters. She used to be an administrative judge and is very well balanced. She had a long talk with my wife on Saturday and it seems that she was relatively calm and reflective about the whole thing. She told my wife that she knows that doors will close on me in the family and that she'll try her best to reason them but that she feels I might be pushing the news down to their throat. So tonight, will see each other in the flesh, after I told her over the phone last week. She'll obviously have several questions about my state and about the treatment that I say I have no choice but to undertake. But I am hoping that she will remain calm, open and willing to listen to the facts of my life without going to the extreme "you are crazy" scenario.
Rejection again Current mood: crushed
Last night one of my sisters phone me in a state of great despair to tell me she could not see me anymore and that she could never accept me as a sister. She told me it would have been easier to learn that I have died than to learn that I was about to change sex. She cried and cried and told me I was having a delirium and that I needed to go to hospital right away to be put in intense observation. She told me all that while having what seems to be a nervous break down. She told me she did not sleep since she heard the news and that she is crying all the time. She told me she could not deal with having such a freak family since my father and older brother are gay, one of my brother is psychotic and now me that is transsexual. She could finally accept all of them but now it is just too much to witness the brother she always admired and love to become a woman. She told me she could never accept that and that therefore she will not see me anymore. She might phone me at some point down the road but I am now eradicated from her life. She insisted I see a psychiatrist since it is obvious I am now crazy.
I tried to remain calm, explain in detail what GID is and why I need to be a woman. None of my arguments were right, I am crazy and that is it. It was really painful. I told my wife about it and she told me that my sister is probably having a nervous break down and that I have to shield myself from everybody else problems. But it is hard to see someone in your family in such a state of despair and to know that even though you do not want that, you are in a way responsible for that state of mind.
The responsibility of sharing dilemma Current mood: pensive
Last night I have had a meeting with co-authors and the publisher of a book we all wrote on the subject of blogging. We were their to signed advance copies that were bought prior to the official release of the book. I already told my publisher about my transition and she agreed to publish a book about it if I ever choose to do so. Now after we all signed the copies, I went outside to smoke a cigarette and told what is happening with me, the two remaining co-authors that did not already know about my condition. One of them is a much respected online Ad wizard and viral marketing guru in Montreal. When I told him about my upcoming transition, he told me a story about Brad Pitt. He told me that when he was 17, his mother told him that he was very attractive and quite smart and that these gifts of nature came with a responsibility. He said that you can't just keep the gift life gives you and not do something for others with it. He the went on to say, that I had a gift for communicating in a humorous manner, that I already was well respected and that I already was all over the media. Therefore, the fact that I suffer from GID was a sign of destiny that pointed me towards making that condition known and accepted by the general public. He said that I had the responsibility to share my experience and to tell that story to make it more common for other TS and for the regular folks. He said that it was sad that this condition was still taboo and that if there was one person that could change that in our province that would be me.
I told him about the communication strategy that my PR advisors settled for me which was to only talk about it once on my blog, and to give an in depth interview to a very serious media (printed of TV) and to then not talk about it in order to keep the focus on my expertise rather than on the fact that I will become a TS. They said that they do not want me to become the media transgender circus freak that the media could make of me and that could very well hurt my practice. My friends said that on the contrary I should tell the world right now about what I am going thru and make it mundane rather than keep it a secret that keeps giving the impression that it is something you should be ashamed of and that it is something we should not talk about. He said "so f***ing what if you become a media circus freak"? You have back bones and you certainly can deal with this! In fact, it would be a good thing if you became one since it would give positive exposure to GID and it would be balanced by the fact that you already are well respected. He reminded me that I said that all my clients were already supporting me! So what was I afraid about? He also told me "in a year from now, when you'll give conferences on the importance of being transparent in your Web communications, how will you be able to justify that you lied about your condition that became so apparent, for all those months? I replied that this condition is of personal nature and that the world does not have to know before I am ready willing and able to share the news with them. He said it was total crap and that I had the burden of responsibility that came with the gifts of nature and with that condition that was send upon my path!
I am now really questioning what I should do about all this. He certainly has a point in the responsibilities I have towards my fellow sisters and towards the community at large. I also have a moral dilemma with keeping this secret since I am outgoing by nature, I love to share and I already lecture people about the new realities of the Web which is now made of the tyranny of transparency. But then again, I do not know if I will be able to walk the streets feeling good about myself and at the same time, having all those potential fingers pointing at me? I do not know if I can live with being the TS spokesperson for the rest of my life and I am really scared about that responsibility I know I have to fulfil one way or another at some point in my process. I'll sleep on it for several nights (when I can sleep), I'll discuss it with my therapist but I already know that this makes sense and that it is more in sync with who I am than to act like I am ashamed of what I am going thru…
05 Nov 2007
Going shopping
Last week, I went shopping as a woman for the first time. I chose a Wednesday night which usually is quieter at shopping malls. I went to a Winner and it was fantastic to look at tops, squirts, dresses and winter coat and actually been able to try them on in the lady try out section. I chose several pieces that I am very anxious to wear in public again. It went fairly well and the girls that let me try the outfits at the try out section, did not say anything bad (although they giggled all the time) and did not seem to really care if I was a man in a dress or not. It was again another test I am, imposing myself in order to start blending in and getting accustomed in my future role as a full fledge woman.
Electrolysis
On Saturday, I went for my second laser electrolysis. My doctor prescribed me EMLA which is a topical anaesthesia and it really worked. The area (my beard and chess) were frozen just enough for me to not feel the pain of the procedure. I am happy to report that after only 2 sessions, my breast is now rid of hair. I still have a couple of grey hair that will have to be treated with regular electrolysis. As for my face, I react really well to the treatment and 4 or 5 more sessions and I'll be beard free (again, except for a couple of grey hairs that will be removed with other means). I am very lucky to be almost hair free. This used to shame me when I was in negation of my female side but now that I fully am aware of my GID and ready to become a woman, this is quite a relief…
03 Nov 2007
Question for you guys
I have had a meeting with my PR crisis management team. Since I am a respected and well known expert in my field, I am in the traditional Medias almost every week to comment on various aspects of the impact of the web on business settings. Economic and technology journalists are the main type of journalist that are requesting my views. The news of my coming out is therefore bound to make the front page of every local newspaper (from what my team tells me and I tend to agree with them). So in order not to make me the circus transgender freak that the media might want to make of me, the PR tactic my team are suggesting me is to make one nad only one statement of my coming out on my regular blog and to give an in-depth interview at only one very serious media. As for the other media, if they want to know or write about my coming out, they will have to go thru a PR agent that will ask them what is the new angle they want to portray and since every angle will already have been cover by the serious media (with a big accent given to the scientific facts about GID), the matter will just die by itself.
Now, here is my problem for your consideration. In my public conference, I speak often on hew the web as made it very important to be transparent in the new Web communication setting. So the crisis management suggestion goes completely against what I preach. Furthermore, I also am now aware that being a TS is very difficult and that the medical establishment treats us like shit and the the adequate health services that we pay for by our taxes is not there to support us at a time when we need it most. And I want to shoot at that injustice and change and educate people.
But then again, I do not want to spend the rest of my life as that transsexual labelled freak that the media will request whenever they feel they need to cover the topic. In our province, we have a lawyer that is also "the transgender media freak" and when people are talking about her, they are talking about the transgender and forget that she is a lawyer and I presume her practice has gone down the drain.
So what are your thoughts on these questions? How can I remain an expert that his sought after for her knowledge and expertise and how can I help my fellow transgender sister and educate people about that very difficult problem without jeopardising my expert image, my life as a woman and my future? I want to help out and change things but I do not want to become and be labelled as the media gender freak
Many more “en femme” gatherings Current mood: calm
For the past two weeks I went out more and more en femme. I event went to see one of my client (a tall woman clothes designer) dress as a woman. She was very impress with my look and mannerism. We spent the afternoon looking at her web issues then she told me "if it was not for your voice, I would believe that you are a woman". We then looked at her line of clothes and I was ecstatic to try on some of her fine woman suits. It is money in the bank since I am not going to take my picks until my new woman figures are set (in a year from now).
Going out by myself
After that afternoon with my client, I went out to a local Montreal Starbuck to meet with one of my cousin. He was stunned by my feminine look. We stayed at the coffee place for a couple of hours and nobody seemed to care about that 6'2" tall woman. One of the acquaintances of my cousin came at our table to greet him and sat with us for a couple of minutes. My cousin introduced me as is female cousin and that guy seemed to acknowledge me as a member of the female sex. I spoke very few words in my best female voice and he seemed truly convinced that I was a woman. If he was not convinced, he was gentleman enough not to give me weird looks or hints at the discomfort he might have felt being sitting with a transvestite. That was another reassuring moment for me. We then walked along a very busy avenue in Montreal to go meet my cousin boyfriend (he is gay). The next day, my cousin phones me and told me that he was very mad at some old guys that gave me weird looks on the street the night before. I told him that since I was speaking in my male voice on the street, which probably was a dead give away. I also realised that when I myself see somebody that look at me in a strange way, I am telling myself that he is wondering about my height rather than my masculine look. This is helping me cope with the possible stares. But then again, I also realise that in broad day light, or when I am tired, I have a masculine look that will have to be corrected with FFS. I have seen pictures of myself that are a testament of what I still have to do in order to become a fully acceptable woman and I intend to do so.
The next few days
The following days, I went out by myself in the gay ghetto in Montreal. I was well received by the various people I met but I am also realising that this is not my crowd and that I felt wrong being there. The gay culture does not seem to fit with me and I will have to develop the guts to go out at regular bars and restaurant and experiment with being in a non-gay setting. It is reassuring going to gay places since I know they might not be discriminating as the heterosexuals could be but then again, I do not want to be ghettoized for the rest of my life and I will have to accept my condition in real life settings.
Then there was Halloween!
My good buddy had a wine and cheese party at his home for Halloween. His theme for this year was "the far-west". All the people that were there were heterosexual couples. I went by myself since my SO does not want to see me as a woman and since most of the guest that were going to be at my budy's party were friend of mine. I went there as a 19th century "madam". I was a smash. The girls were jealous of my long legs and of my style and make-up. Some of them told me that I should give them make-up crash course. That felt very strange since I only have been putting make-up for maybe 12 times in my whole life. But then again, it was very reassuring to me. My male friends told me I looked better as a woman than as a man. Some of them were intrigued by my breast and wanted to feel them. I told them that for this first time I would not mind but that once they'll be real, I would punch them in the face it they ever venture to touch them (it was told as a macho joke since they've all know me as the epitome of a macho guy). I felt very comfortable being a woman amongst my friends. The first five minutes were awkward but then everything fell in places. The following Monday, I was a speaker at an event were one of my woman friend and her husband that were at the wine and cheese, also were there. My woman friend, after the event, approached me and told me that it was a shock to see me as a man after seeing me as a woman. She told me that I looked so happy and natural as a woman that seeing me as a man a couple days later was very awkward and shocking. She could not correlate the image of me as a woman with the macho, loud mouth and sad looking male I was on Monday. It was easier for her to accept me as a woman than to accept me as a man! She also accepted to be one of my "feminity" coach and we will go out as girlfriends to have supper in town and to shop, so she can pin-point areas of mannerism, posture and so on, that I have to improve in order to fully pass.
Then there is my wife
Things are getting harder and harder with my wife. I went to see a second psychologist to get my second set of diagnosis that is required by surgeons for the transitioning process. When I went there I told her that I was going to split with my wife event if we both deeply love each other. She then told me the strangest thing. She said that all the transsexuals she meets (man or woman), tell her of how good their marital relationship was prior to the first diagnosis og gender dysphoria and that that was very peculiar since in socalled "normal" heterosexual couples, that was not the case. Most of them talked about how difficult it was to be in couple with their spouse. But for the transsexuals, they unanimously reported a very healthy and fulfilling relationship with their spouse prior to the emergence of their gender problem. She said that I should tell my wife that she could see her and help her thru the acceptance of my condition and that we could have a chance of being happy together even if I change sex. She helped many couples go thru that process and after all is done, they have a very healthy relationship (that includes sex) and their story are the most touching love story you could ever hear of.
I was very uplifted with this speech and I was eager to share that with my SO. But when I did, an eruption of sadness, anger and pain occurred, My wife told me that she had been very supportive of my situation (which is very true) and understood that I had no choice but to transition and that by being sceptical or the need she has to end our relationship, I was not giving her back the understanding that she gave me. She told me that as I have no choice but to become a woman, she has no choice but to leave me. This was not a matter of choice for her since she could never fall in love with a woman and that she is in the process of grieving the man she loves. She said that we definitely have to split and that maybe someday, when the man will disappear, she could become friend or love again the new woman she'll learn to discover.
I also told her (without saying this was a remark from my therapist) that the menace of leaving me if I become a woman was kind of bargaining chip to keep me from transitioning. This was too much for her to hear (and very inadequate for me to say, even if I believe it) that it sent her thru the roof. She told me how inconsiderate I was, how I do not support her and share her pain of leaving me and so on. So the last couple of days were very horrible for both of us and I will definitely have to leave. I fell more and more sad being a man and I can't wait to put my girl attire. But I cannot do so at home when she is there since it clearly affects her. So I wait for her to go to sleep so I can put on my breast and nightgown and go to sleep in the guest room. When I wake-up, I keep my breast under my man dark bathrobe and since she does not really see them, she does not bother. But I have to experiment being a woman more and more in order to develop and perfect the woman persona that I will soon have to live for the rest of my life. It is proving very difficult for both of us to do so while leaving under the same roof. So I now know, realise and accept the fact that we will be apart and we are aiming for January as the month that will split and go on with our separate life. I do not fell the pain of the separation since I am telling myself that it is just a phase she is going thru and that she has to grief her male husband but that we will be back together someday…
17 Oct 2007
Going out en femme Current mood: cheerful
This week-end and Monday, I went out en femme, first, to go out on Saturday night, then to go see my therapist, as he requested. For Saturday night, I wanted to know what it was like to walk in broad day light, as a woman. I went on a very busy street in Montreal, just walking around on the sidewalk. I did not get any bad looks and the people that looked at me did not seemed particularly shocked or intrigued by my appearance. I then went to the liquor store to purchase a bottle of wine. On the floor, I saked for wine suggestions to the woman clerk that was there, she walked along with me and provided me with suggestions. She must have known I was a transvestite since I made no efforts to hide my voice. Then at the counter, the male cashier looked at me in a puzzled way. He looked like he suspected something but he did not said anything and I did not provided clues since I was silent. Then I called one of my brothers and asked him if he was ready to see me dress as a woman. He invited me over. When I got there, he and his girlfriend were first amazed at my transformation. My sister in law told me that my sisters would be jealous of how good I look as a woman. She was tryly delighted of having a new girlfriend to chitchat dresses and make-up with. She also told me that she could never imagine that we could be talking about such subjects one day. My brother was unease at first, quite understandably. But he got warmer and soon we were as we always have been, except that I was now looking likes a woman. We joked a lot, took a couple of drinks then I was set to go to the rest of my evening. While I was at my brother I received a phone call from my wife, asking me what I had planned for the evening. I told her that I was at my brother as a woman. She could not believe it at first and was truly surprise to hear about my brother acceptance of my situation.
For Saturday night, I had planned for a girly supper with a TS friend that I met on MySpace. I got to her place then we went to the gay village in montreal. The restaurant we stopped for supper already had a transgender happening that we accidentally happened to crash. We sat with these people and had a very good conversation about transgender issues and so on. then my friend and I went to a bar and took another drink. that friend is very young and I soon discover that we might have subject to discuss but to go out together is kind of awkward. Especially that when we got ther, she met with another of her TS friend that was already there. They started talking, turning their back at me while at the same time, inviting me to join the conversation. I then left them and went on my own to another bar. The ret of the evening was kind of boring since the bar was empty (it was kind of early for people to show up but kind of late for an old gal like me) and I came back home.
On Sunday, my brother phone me to tell me that he received shit from our half-sister that heard about me having been there as a woman, from my wife. She told him that he was being manipulated by me and that by accepting to receive me dress like this was just encouraging me in my mental sickness that has to stop. She even told him she was going to get rid of me as the legal tutor of her two children 9which are like my own) if I was to become a woman. My brother told her that he was not being manipulated, that he was sane enough to make his own decision, that I look3ed surprisingly good as a woman and that he would support me no matter what. E felt reassured by my brother reactions but seriously hurt at the prospect of possibly never see my nephews again. Let's say that she (and others in the family), have a very long way to go before accepting me.
On Monday, I got ready to go see my therapist as a woman. He was very impressed to see me dress like that and he told me that as long as I do not speak, I could already successfully pass as a woman. He also told me that my mannerisms were already very feminine and that he was now even surer of the success of my transition. Those words gave me great relief.
I then called one of my ex associate and friend and asked him if he was ready to see me en femme. He said yes but he could not see me before 1.5 hour. In the meantime I went shopping for "en femme" for the first time. The experience was very positive and I even received a honk from a driver that noticed that I had dropped my cell while going out of my car. In the shop, I forced myself to speak in the best feminine voice that I could and I tried a shirt that I bought, along with a pair of gloves. Every body in the shop treated me as if I was a woman and that felt really good. I then got to my friend and chitchatted with him. He was very surprised at first but then we were joking as we always do. He told me that I looked better as a woman than as a man. He also invited me for his traditional Halloween party and that since his theme this year is the Wild West, he would be glad to see me there as a cowgirl if that was my wish.
Overall, those experiences helped me come out of my shell and I felt really good walking around, driving, shopping and interacting as a woman. Another thing, yesterday I was a speaker at an event for the clothing industry, to explain how the Web could help them out. In the group, there was a very good designer that specialized in tall woman apparel. I already spotted her brand and said to myself that I was going to look for her stuff when I could get around to it. Now, after my presentation she approached me and asked how we could work together since she was an SME that could probably not afford my consulting fees. I then asked her to wait for me outside, since I could work for her but that I had to talk to her in private first. I then explained to her what my situation was and that I would really be glad to help her out if we could come to an agreement and batter my fees, for her line of clothes and her expert advice on femininity matters. She is a very tall stunning woman that radiates class and good taste and her line of clothes are just what I was looking for. So we came to an agreement and I will start giving her advice next week. I also believe that we could become very good friends, that she might develop a niche for transgender people (which would definitely be needed) and that she could be the best coach I ever dreamed of. So, all and all, I still suffer from my family rejection but I really cherish the other kind of support I have from friends, clients and even strangers…
By the way I added a picture of myself from the day I went to see my therapist en femme. It is a bit fuzzy (it's hard to picture yourself) but you get the Idea…
10 Oct 2007
The strangest reaction so far Current mood: rejuvenated
Yesterday I was at one of my most important client. The president is a man and the owner is his wife. We all had lunch between the morning and afternoon sessions with two different groups of their employees. After lunch, on the way back in their SUV, I told them about my situation and about the transition I am about to start. after I told them I was transsexual and that I was going to change sex the owner exclaimed " Wow that's so cool"! I was completely cut off guard be her reaction. I knew she was an open minded person but never would I have thought that she would find it "cool". After her initial reaction, she calm down and told me about how much I must have had pain with this issue and that she was really happy for me that I could become the woman I always dreamt to be. She also told me that they'll take care of their employees when the time will come and that they will keep working with me no matter what and that they will not stand behind any employee that might be negative towards me. We then joked about finding clothes for tall woman (she is 5'11'') and went back for the afternoon of meeting. I left my day there puzzled, relieved and very happy about this unforeseen, very positive reaction.
08 Oct 2007
My wife’s a sweetheart Current mood: happy
Friday, when I went to see my therapist, he told me to come and see him dress en Femme for our next appointment. This idea really excites me and gives me the creeps at the same time. Although I have been cross-dressing extensively for the last two years, I only have been out of my condo two times, at night and the pictures in my profile where taken then. So I am very nervous of venturing out in broad day light and I also am very scared of encountering neighbours on my way there and back. Then again, I'll have to venture out some day.
So as I usually do, when I got back from the therapist, my wife and I discussed what happened. Even though we are going to live apart, She is very concern of my well being and supportive of the changes to come, on a rational level anyway. She knows I am a transsexual, she understands the implications for me and she wants me to succeed in becoming the best woman I could be. She is also worry about the rejection I might suffer (and that I already am experimenting with my family). So she agreed to see me cross-dressed for the first time. It was a big shock for her since when she got back sooner than expected from her day long shopping, I told her I was just starting to put make-up and was already dressed in woman clothes. She told me she was ready to see me but since I only had time to put foundation, I looked very pale. She cried for a while and asked me to remove the wig and make-up. She then took a long look at me and agreed to let me spend the next week-ends dress as a woman, as long as I do not put a wig and make-up, since it really scares the hell out of her.
The following day, she was going shopping for herself and I was accompanying her. She then decided to shop for me and help me with outfits. We picked-up to wool tops and a belt (since it is getting much colder up here in Canada). When we got back, she asked me to give her a fashion show. I showed her everything I had already bought and she commented on what looked pretty and what was bad. She really helped me feel more comfortable with the woman inside me that is just starting to express herself. I was ecstatic and she now knows that she'll be able to help me thru the stages I will go thru and that we will be able to remain friends for the years to come. She definitely is a sweetheart. I just hope that someday, she can fall back in love with the woman I will become…
04 Oct 2007
My other sister
I have been on the road for the last few days. I was speaker at a national event that was held in the national capital, where my other sister also lives. So I went to see her at her place and I had supper with her and her husband. She was much warmer than the rest of the family and she recognized that I am not crazy. Nevertheless, her husband that started the conversation quite aggressively by telling me that my practice would die and that I would starve to death since nobody in the business community would dare give me contracts when my issues will be known to the public, got a little warmer towards my dysphoria as the evening progressed. My sister told me that she knows how much I am suffering from all that rejection and from all the turmoil and anguish I will suffer from losing my wife, changing sex, dealing with all the issues surrounding all these and from the related survival and money issues. She told me that she will always love me and she'll try her best to be accepting the new me but that she will probably have problems doing so. She also told me how distress she will be by having to deal with this and explain this to her son (who's now 3) as he gets older. She also told me that eventually everything will fall into place but that I have to be patient with everybody and wait for them to come around, if ever. I replied that fortunately I have friends that are already supportive and that I suffer a great deal that the people most important to me (my wife and family) could not deal with the situation. I also said that I had been deeply hurt be everybody's reactions and when they'll come around, I might also ignore them since the acceptance road goes both ways. Since everybody are so selfish in looking at their own issues, I might do the same at some point and I also have to protect myself from all this negativity and surround me with positive friendly people in order to succeed that treatment that will make me a complete woman.
Overall I felt understood, loved and also scared that for times to come, I'll be rejected by my whole family. But I also know that she will do her best to reason them and that she will try very hard to be accepting herself when my body and personality will start to change. Anyway, the future will tell…
01 Oct 2007
I told my father
Yesterday I told my father about the fact that I'll become a woman. He took the new relatively well. But then again, everyone in my family took the news relatively well until a few days later when the start insisting that I see a psychiatrist sine it is now obvious that I am crazy. That being said, I told my father about the wave of rejection that everybody is giving me and that I'll have to accept their fears and feelings and that I'll have to keep going on with my life. He assured me that he will not have a change of heart and that he will be fine with my explanations and with the sickness which triggers my sex change. Since he is gay and since he works and dancers bars, he witnessed a lot of sex changes in his life and he can understand that it is not a choice but rather an obligation to do so. Although he is in a state of shock he will try to reason my brothers and sisters. He told me that no matter what, he'll be there.
Time will tell! Later today, I'll have supper with another one of my sisters. She used to be an administrative judge and is very well balanced. She had a long talk with my wife on Saturday and it seems that she was relatively calm and reflective about the whole thing. She told my wife that she knows that doors will close on me in the family and that she'll try her best to reason them but that she feels I might be pushing the news down to their throat. So tonight, will see each other in the flesh, after I told her over the phone last week. She'll obviously have several questions about my state and about the treatment that I say I have no choice but to undertake. But I am hoping that she will remain calm, open and willing to listen to the facts of my life without going to the extreme "you are crazy" scenario.
Rejection again Current mood: crushed
Last night one of my sisters phone me in a state of great despair to tell me she could not see me anymore and that she could never accept me as a sister. She told me it would have been easier to learn that I have died than to learn that I was about to change sex. She cried and cried and told me I was having a delirium and that I needed to go to hospital right away to be put in intense observation. She told me all that while having what seems to be a nervous break down. She told me she did not sleep since she heard the news and that she is crying all the time. She told me she could not deal with having such a freak family since my father and older brother are gay, one of my brother is psychotic and now me that is transsexual. She could finally accept all of them but now it is just too much to witness the brother she always admired and love to become a woman. She told me she could never accept that and that therefore she will not see me anymore. She might phone me at some point down the road but I am now eradicated from her life. She insisted I see a psychiatrist since it is obvious I am now crazy.
I tried to remain calm, explain in detail what GID is and why I need to be a woman. None of my arguments were right, I am crazy and that is it. It was really painful. I told my wife about it and she told me that my sister is probably having a nervous break down and that I have to shield myself from everybody else problems. But it is hard to see someone in your family in such a state of despair and to know that even though you do not want that, you are in a way responsible for that state of mind.
Archive nov 2007
07 Dec 2007
At least I’ve got my friends and customers
I'm always baffled by the level of acceptance my friends and clients are giving me when I tell them about my GID. A prominent new customer that I met last week wanted me to be her mentor for the years to come. When I told her about my GID, she insisted that from now one, I'll be dress as a woman for our meeting. How accepting is that? This is giving me a relief from the attitude of my family that still prominently rejects me…
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04 Dec 2007
Sadness overcomes me Current mood: sad
I have had a hell of a week-end. First of all, it was my love birthday. Her fathers that always spend the winter in Florida, as every year, choose this week-end to celebrate Christmas, instead of his daughter Bday. Now this year, he did not want to see me. My love and her son protested and they said that since it was our last year together and that she still loves me, she'd rather not see him if I was not there. Now I intervened and said that they should anyhow get together and that I could deal with it. So they agreed to gather as a family and I took off to work in a café. They waited and waited and finally called him. He was still at his home and expected them there. As you can imagine, they postponed the meeting to next week and my son in-law will not want to be there.
So we went to the restaurant to celebrate my love Bday. After supper, we went to my half sister to keep the party going and so my love could receive the gifts my sister in-law family had for her. She was starting to be a little jolly. While we were there, I kept going outside so I could have a smoke. They do not allow anybody to smoke inside. Now, it was -10 outside so after my fourth trip, I was starting to be pissed off. As I came back inside, I noticed how drunk my wife was getting. I know her ways and I can always figure out the point before she blacks out and starts to feel really bad. She was at that point. So I suggested that we should be going home. My sister asked me why, being pissed off, I replied that it was because it was cold outside. She started freaking out, telling me how much of a control addict I was, how much I did not respect anybody and so on. I said that strangely enough, of all the people I know, only my family throws me outside in winter to get a smoke and that every time I am outside, I feel like a dog we are kicking out for its needs. She then said that I was selfish and that it was like my choice to become a woman and the fact that I was making my love suffer so much. I got angry and asked her if it was her fault or her decision to become depressive as she had been. I told her that it was the same for me. Then her husband asked me to leave, which I did.
What gets me very mad is the fact that my real sister will held the Christmas party this year and me and my family are not invited. We are now officially outcast. We have received them all dozens of time. In fact, if there was somebody that received them more than its share it was us. We had a huge house, a pool, a complete bar and lots of money that we happily spent on them. But because of my condition, My wife, her son and I are now outcast. What also made me very angry was the same phrase that keeps coming on from almost everybody in my family, which is give us time! It's been four months now and most of them never phone me; They do not want me to phone either (because they then tell me I am putting pressure on them) they do not want to see pictures of myself as a woman and now I am this egotistical freak that they do not want to see for Christmas. I have tremendous support from people I do not really know and the people that count the most from me, are turning their back. I am beside myself and now, I'll be the one turning my back on them.
The following day, my wife obviously had a major headache. So we spent the day quietly doing cocooning. I stayed in men clothes all week-end to give her something to be happy about. She suggested that we look at the movie Normal. We both cried most of the movie and both identified with the corresponding characters. She still wants me to live at the end of the month but she is so sad about it and so am I. The next morning, she asked me to try to find a wife support group and asked me to start dressing as a woman as many time as I could so she could start facing the fact that I'll soon be one and start to settle and get use to it so we can at least remain friends. That idea brings me joy and sorrow as I am now facing more and more the fact that we will not be together anymore. It was quite a week-end and the holydays to come will certainly the most painful ones I will have ever experienced…
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28 Nov 2007
I choose my FFS Surgeon, any recommendations?
I just got off the phone with Dr. Spiegel, out of Boston Massachussets. I already had quotes from several other surgeons, including the famous and now infamous Dr. Ousterhout (his been sued and a TS killed herself after he botched her jaw job). Dr. Spiegel price is in the middle of the range of the quotes I already had. The prices are going from $22000 to $40000. For Forehead contouring with scalp advancement and browlift, mandible contouring (jaw and chin), Lip lift with augmentation, Rhinoplasty and Cheek augmentation with Dr. Spiegel it would cost $30 000.
I also have seen before and after pictures of his work, he's never been sued and teaches Face surgery at university. He also does 2 FFS a week for several years now. He is the surgeon that I feel most confident with. Any of you guys had surgery with this guy?
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27 Nov 2007
My sister’s more accepting now
a couple of months ago I told you about my sister that said to me that she rather have learn I was dead than a trans, cause it would have been easier for her to accept. She also told me not to phone her back and to wait for her to call me back if she ever feels like she can talk to me.
On Sunday morning, I was going to call one of my brothers. He is the last one that did not know about my transition because he has a mental illness and I wanted to spare him the anguish and crisis that everybody in my family felt after I told them the news. I also wanted to wait until I could go back to Quebec City (5 hours back and forth from Montreal) to tell him in person. As there are no travel plans or conference in Quebec for the rear future, I had to tell him the news since Christmas is coming soon and since he will obviously wander as to why I and my love will not be there this year. So I decided to call him on Sunday morning and by mistake, I phone my sister instead. She was very surprised to hear me 9and so was I) but the conversation went along well. She told me that she still love me, wished me well but also told me how the situation was hard for her to handle. She also said that she gets news of me from my other brother that I see on a regular basis. She said that she could not witness all the transformation phases but that when I'll have become a woman, she might be more incline to see me as the grief of the loss of her cherish brother, will have fade away. I told her that I understood her pain, that I would respect her need for time and that she deeply hurted me by her initial very destructive reaction. But I also said that I have support from my friends and client, that I will go thru with this on a positive manner and that I felt really good about the fact that we now had reopen the communication channel. She said that she will call me back and invited me to phone her whenever I would feel like doing so. That being said, she is the one doing the Christmas party this year and as of today, I, my love and her son are not on the guest list. We will just have to deal with that.
Coming back to my brother, is initial reaction was very positive but he seemed more interested to learn what everybody else thought of my situation rather than knowing what I felt myself or what question he might have himself. Yesterday, he phoned me back saying that he'll b supporting me no mater what… I felt great to hear him say that…
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Going out with “Mu”
One of my feminity coach, I'll call her "Mu", went out with me last Thursday, to a straight tapas and wine bar in Montreal. We sat there for about four hours. The people that were there did not seem to notice me or to react negatively to my presence. Except for two guys that were sitting besides us and noticed that there was something odd about me and joked to themselves about it, nothing really made me feel uncomfortable. Mu told me that I seemed more relaxed and smiling as a woman that I ever was as a man. This made me feel good and I said to myself that in the worst case scenario, I looked like a transvestite with class and style…
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25 Nov 2007
The effects of HRT so far
Well, besides finally being able to sleep at night, not so much visible effects or effects I could feel from taking hormones. I feel like I did not take anything. The following weeks and months will be probably different. I hope so anyway.
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21 Nov 2007
Just started hormones
An hour ago, I just started hormonal therapy. Obviously, I do not feel anything yet, besides the tremendous joy and sadness this important step is bringing me. I fell joy as I am embarking on a life changing path that will make me the woman I should alwayx have been. I also feel the sadness from the fact that the people that are the closest to me are not there to share the joy with me. To them, it is a rather misguided venture that they do not want to know about. I did not and could not speak to many of them, for three months now. When they'll hear about this, they we feel betrayed and they will be very sorry for me. This saddens me a lot. But, this is part of the path that I have to face and I certainly hope that thru all the hardship I am facing, the sun will rise and shine on the other side. For now, I am relieved…
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19 Nov 2007
Got my ears pierced today and saw an FFS surgeon
Today, I got my ears pierced. I was surprise at now not painful this was. I also had a meeting with a Montreal FFS surgeon. Dr. Bensimon. He told me I would need a forehead reshaping, a nose job, an eyelid surgery, a jaw recontouring and an upper lip fill (from fat of my body). nI was surprise at the cost of surgery as I expected a much more hefty price tag. We are talking of $22 000 CDN which is $10 000 less than I expected. I also discussed with my therapist (that I also saw today) the timeline of all my transition. So the plan looks like I'll have my FFS in July 2008 and in September or October of the same year, I'll have the breast implant and the full SRS.
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16 Nov 2007
Amazed at how well people take it Current mood: cheerful
I am baffled at how well people are taking the news of my upcoming transition (besides my love and family). I received so many acceptances and respect that it makes me wonder how I could have had doubts. Then again, I am very lucky to be revolving around well educated people, innovators and gentle and smart human beings. I suspect this is not what all TS might experience. And I know this is not just lip service since people that I already told about my upcoming changes, call me back to know more about my issues, give me more mandates or enquire about how I am doing. I should also say that I am telling them in a relax and confident manner, that I joke a bit about it and that when they see the first three pictures of my profile, they feel more at ease with it and tell me that I look cute. Many of the folks I told about, are telling me how privileged they feel about having me sharing this ordeal with them and about the high integrity I am showing them in letting them know because I feel this is the ethical thing to do since we are business acquaintances, provider or else and that I do not want them to hear about it in the press or true the grapevine. Many of them can't wait to see me as a woman. This is all very reassuring to me. And yes, the possibility of yapping about it and start rumours is very hard for people to contemplate or do since no one would believe them (I am so macho) and they would look like fools. I know that for a fact since somebody tried it and a couple of my friends that were there told me how stupid the guy that blabbed about it looked, when no one believed him.
I should also point out that my province (Quebec) is much more open minded that many other parts of the world. I am very lucky after all...
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12 Nov 2007
The first medical step Current mood: cheerful
So far, I have seen the shrinks and capillary management side of my dysphoria. But this morning and last night, started the medical process. Last night I received a call from an FFS surgeon from PA. My wife was sitting beside me at the time and I could not not talk to him. So I went into the details of what I might need (from the pictures I sent him) and the approximate cost of doing it all. Then this morning, I had the series of blood and urinal test to get all the info necessary for the endocrinologist that I will meet next week, hopefully for my first hormones. So last night, I slept only two hours (which is a bit less than the four I have been sleeping since the psychological gender identity outbreak that started in august). I was very happy, anxious and sad all at the same time. I was very happy since I am approaching "the cure" of my disorder. I am anxious because of the cost that is involved in all of this and the several ways I'll have to finance it. I also am anguish because of the fear that my smoking habits, the heart disease my father is suffering and my not so high blood pressure might hinder me from receiving hormones. And finally, I am sad as the more I approached my goal to become a woman, the more I see my dear companion drifting away from me and being hurt by my new feminine side that is more and more evolving. I am writing this in one of the best look I have had yet, since all afternoon, a client of mine that is a tall woman clothes designer helped me figure out questions of looks, hairdo, style, make-up and so on. We really struck a nice friendship that is mixed with a bit of business that is helping each of us in different ways. She is really quite a model for me. She is very tall (6'1"), extremely gracious and feminine and she has a heart like you couldn't believe. All in all, even though I still have so many issues with my family and with the love of my life that I am losing over this, I still consider myself very lucky compare to some TS that I met in TS meetings, that I read story about or that have to sell their body on the street to survive all this ordeal. Thank god for the providence that is blessing me…
At least I’ve got my friends and customers
I'm always baffled by the level of acceptance my friends and clients are giving me when I tell them about my GID. A prominent new customer that I met last week wanted me to be her mentor for the years to come. When I told her about my GID, she insisted that from now one, I'll be dress as a woman for our meeting. How accepting is that? This is giving me a relief from the attitude of my family that still prominently rejects me…
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04 Dec 2007
Sadness overcomes me Current mood: sad
I have had a hell of a week-end. First of all, it was my love birthday. Her fathers that always spend the winter in Florida, as every year, choose this week-end to celebrate Christmas, instead of his daughter Bday. Now this year, he did not want to see me. My love and her son protested and they said that since it was our last year together and that she still loves me, she'd rather not see him if I was not there. Now I intervened and said that they should anyhow get together and that I could deal with it. So they agreed to gather as a family and I took off to work in a café. They waited and waited and finally called him. He was still at his home and expected them there. As you can imagine, they postponed the meeting to next week and my son in-law will not want to be there.
So we went to the restaurant to celebrate my love Bday. After supper, we went to my half sister to keep the party going and so my love could receive the gifts my sister in-law family had for her. She was starting to be a little jolly. While we were there, I kept going outside so I could have a smoke. They do not allow anybody to smoke inside. Now, it was -10 outside so after my fourth trip, I was starting to be pissed off. As I came back inside, I noticed how drunk my wife was getting. I know her ways and I can always figure out the point before she blacks out and starts to feel really bad. She was at that point. So I suggested that we should be going home. My sister asked me why, being pissed off, I replied that it was because it was cold outside. She started freaking out, telling me how much of a control addict I was, how much I did not respect anybody and so on. I said that strangely enough, of all the people I know, only my family throws me outside in winter to get a smoke and that every time I am outside, I feel like a dog we are kicking out for its needs. She then said that I was selfish and that it was like my choice to become a woman and the fact that I was making my love suffer so much. I got angry and asked her if it was her fault or her decision to become depressive as she had been. I told her that it was the same for me. Then her husband asked me to leave, which I did.
What gets me very mad is the fact that my real sister will held the Christmas party this year and me and my family are not invited. We are now officially outcast. We have received them all dozens of time. In fact, if there was somebody that received them more than its share it was us. We had a huge house, a pool, a complete bar and lots of money that we happily spent on them. But because of my condition, My wife, her son and I are now outcast. What also made me very angry was the same phrase that keeps coming on from almost everybody in my family, which is give us time! It's been four months now and most of them never phone me; They do not want me to phone either (because they then tell me I am putting pressure on them) they do not want to see pictures of myself as a woman and now I am this egotistical freak that they do not want to see for Christmas. I have tremendous support from people I do not really know and the people that count the most from me, are turning their back. I am beside myself and now, I'll be the one turning my back on them.
The following day, my wife obviously had a major headache. So we spent the day quietly doing cocooning. I stayed in men clothes all week-end to give her something to be happy about. She suggested that we look at the movie Normal. We both cried most of the movie and both identified with the corresponding characters. She still wants me to live at the end of the month but she is so sad about it and so am I. The next morning, she asked me to try to find a wife support group and asked me to start dressing as a woman as many time as I could so she could start facing the fact that I'll soon be one and start to settle and get use to it so we can at least remain friends. That idea brings me joy and sorrow as I am now facing more and more the fact that we will not be together anymore. It was quite a week-end and the holydays to come will certainly the most painful ones I will have ever experienced…
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28 Nov 2007
I choose my FFS Surgeon, any recommendations?
I just got off the phone with Dr. Spiegel, out of Boston Massachussets. I already had quotes from several other surgeons, including the famous and now infamous Dr. Ousterhout (his been sued and a TS killed herself after he botched her jaw job). Dr. Spiegel price is in the middle of the range of the quotes I already had. The prices are going from $22000 to $40000. For Forehead contouring with scalp advancement and browlift, mandible contouring (jaw and chin), Lip lift with augmentation, Rhinoplasty and Cheek augmentation with Dr. Spiegel it would cost $30 000.
I also have seen before and after pictures of his work, he's never been sued and teaches Face surgery at university. He also does 2 FFS a week for several years now. He is the surgeon that I feel most confident with. Any of you guys had surgery with this guy?
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27 Nov 2007
My sister’s more accepting now
a couple of months ago I told you about my sister that said to me that she rather have learn I was dead than a trans, cause it would have been easier for her to accept. She also told me not to phone her back and to wait for her to call me back if she ever feels like she can talk to me.
On Sunday morning, I was going to call one of my brothers. He is the last one that did not know about my transition because he has a mental illness and I wanted to spare him the anguish and crisis that everybody in my family felt after I told them the news. I also wanted to wait until I could go back to Quebec City (5 hours back and forth from Montreal) to tell him in person. As there are no travel plans or conference in Quebec for the rear future, I had to tell him the news since Christmas is coming soon and since he will obviously wander as to why I and my love will not be there this year. So I decided to call him on Sunday morning and by mistake, I phone my sister instead. She was very surprised to hear me 9and so was I) but the conversation went along well. She told me that she still love me, wished me well but also told me how the situation was hard for her to handle. She also said that she gets news of me from my other brother that I see on a regular basis. She said that she could not witness all the transformation phases but that when I'll have become a woman, she might be more incline to see me as the grief of the loss of her cherish brother, will have fade away. I told her that I understood her pain, that I would respect her need for time and that she deeply hurted me by her initial very destructive reaction. But I also said that I have support from my friends and client, that I will go thru with this on a positive manner and that I felt really good about the fact that we now had reopen the communication channel. She said that she will call me back and invited me to phone her whenever I would feel like doing so. That being said, she is the one doing the Christmas party this year and as of today, I, my love and her son are not on the guest list. We will just have to deal with that.
Coming back to my brother, is initial reaction was very positive but he seemed more interested to learn what everybody else thought of my situation rather than knowing what I felt myself or what question he might have himself. Yesterday, he phoned me back saying that he'll b supporting me no mater what… I felt great to hear him say that…
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Going out with “Mu”
One of my feminity coach, I'll call her "Mu", went out with me last Thursday, to a straight tapas and wine bar in Montreal. We sat there for about four hours. The people that were there did not seem to notice me or to react negatively to my presence. Except for two guys that were sitting besides us and noticed that there was something odd about me and joked to themselves about it, nothing really made me feel uncomfortable. Mu told me that I seemed more relaxed and smiling as a woman that I ever was as a man. This made me feel good and I said to myself that in the worst case scenario, I looked like a transvestite with class and style…
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25 Nov 2007
The effects of HRT so far
Well, besides finally being able to sleep at night, not so much visible effects or effects I could feel from taking hormones. I feel like I did not take anything. The following weeks and months will be probably different. I hope so anyway.
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21 Nov 2007
Just started hormones
An hour ago, I just started hormonal therapy. Obviously, I do not feel anything yet, besides the tremendous joy and sadness this important step is bringing me. I fell joy as I am embarking on a life changing path that will make me the woman I should alwayx have been. I also feel the sadness from the fact that the people that are the closest to me are not there to share the joy with me. To them, it is a rather misguided venture that they do not want to know about. I did not and could not speak to many of them, for three months now. When they'll hear about this, they we feel betrayed and they will be very sorry for me. This saddens me a lot. But, this is part of the path that I have to face and I certainly hope that thru all the hardship I am facing, the sun will rise and shine on the other side. For now, I am relieved…
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19 Nov 2007
Got my ears pierced today and saw an FFS surgeon
Today, I got my ears pierced. I was surprise at now not painful this was. I also had a meeting with a Montreal FFS surgeon. Dr. Bensimon. He told me I would need a forehead reshaping, a nose job, an eyelid surgery, a jaw recontouring and an upper lip fill (from fat of my body). nI was surprise at the cost of surgery as I expected a much more hefty price tag. We are talking of $22 000 CDN which is $10 000 less than I expected. I also discussed with my therapist (that I also saw today) the timeline of all my transition. So the plan looks like I'll have my FFS in July 2008 and in September or October of the same year, I'll have the breast implant and the full SRS.
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16 Nov 2007
Amazed at how well people take it Current mood: cheerful
I am baffled at how well people are taking the news of my upcoming transition (besides my love and family). I received so many acceptances and respect that it makes me wonder how I could have had doubts. Then again, I am very lucky to be revolving around well educated people, innovators and gentle and smart human beings. I suspect this is not what all TS might experience. And I know this is not just lip service since people that I already told about my upcoming changes, call me back to know more about my issues, give me more mandates or enquire about how I am doing. I should also say that I am telling them in a relax and confident manner, that I joke a bit about it and that when they see the first three pictures of my profile, they feel more at ease with it and tell me that I look cute. Many of the folks I told about, are telling me how privileged they feel about having me sharing this ordeal with them and about the high integrity I am showing them in letting them know because I feel this is the ethical thing to do since we are business acquaintances, provider or else and that I do not want them to hear about it in the press or true the grapevine. Many of them can't wait to see me as a woman. This is all very reassuring to me. And yes, the possibility of yapping about it and start rumours is very hard for people to contemplate or do since no one would believe them (I am so macho) and they would look like fools. I know that for a fact since somebody tried it and a couple of my friends that were there told me how stupid the guy that blabbed about it looked, when no one believed him.
I should also point out that my province (Quebec) is much more open minded that many other parts of the world. I am very lucky after all...
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12 Nov 2007
The first medical step Current mood: cheerful
So far, I have seen the shrinks and capillary management side of my dysphoria. But this morning and last night, started the medical process. Last night I received a call from an FFS surgeon from PA. My wife was sitting beside me at the time and I could not not talk to him. So I went into the details of what I might need (from the pictures I sent him) and the approximate cost of doing it all. Then this morning, I had the series of blood and urinal test to get all the info necessary for the endocrinologist that I will meet next week, hopefully for my first hormones. So last night, I slept only two hours (which is a bit less than the four I have been sleeping since the psychological gender identity outbreak that started in august). I was very happy, anxious and sad all at the same time. I was very happy since I am approaching "the cure" of my disorder. I am anxious because of the cost that is involved in all of this and the several ways I'll have to finance it. I also am anguish because of the fear that my smoking habits, the heart disease my father is suffering and my not so high blood pressure might hinder me from receiving hormones. And finally, I am sad as the more I approached my goal to become a woman, the more I see my dear companion drifting away from me and being hurt by my new feminine side that is more and more evolving. I am writing this in one of the best look I have had yet, since all afternoon, a client of mine that is a tall woman clothes designer helped me figure out questions of looks, hairdo, style, make-up and so on. We really struck a nice friendship that is mixed with a bit of business that is helping each of us in different ways. She is really quite a model for me. She is very tall (6'1"), extremely gracious and feminine and she has a heart like you couldn't believe. All in all, even though I still have so many issues with my family and with the love of my life that I am losing over this, I still consider myself very lucky compare to some TS that I met in TS meetings, that I read story about or that have to sell their body on the street to survive all this ordeal. Thank god for the providence that is blessing me…
Archive sept 2007 part 3
29 Sep 2007
The backlash Gangbang Current mood: tired
Yesterday I have had a drink with my brother in law and have received a phone call from one of my brother. Now my entire family is gangbanging on me. They are telling me (thru me brother) that I need to see a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychologist is not enough in their eyes. I need to see the real thing since I have had delusions in my life and this is just another one of them. What delusion did I have? I believed in extra-terrestrial and I believe that I might have been kidnap by them. So this is proof that I am crazy! Now, for the kidnapping part, let me tell you that 25 years ago, I went down to the States with two of my closest friends. On the way there, at night, we saw (all three of us), a bright shining light hovering above the car, on a deserted road. We remember starting the car after the sighting and being surprise of seeing deers in front and behind the car. Now I do not remember stopping the car and being astounded at the fact that deers where out there in the open road. My friends and I remembered the same thing and where puzzled about it. I event went to an hypnosis to try to get a sense of what happened to me during the missing memory lag. I could not get hypnotize since I am a type of person that is not hypnotizable. I told my family about that experience so there you go, I am crazy.
My brother started telling me other occurrence in my life where my family believes I was "over the top". I therefore need to see a psychiatrist since my current doctor is surely biased because he specializes in gender dysphoria and therefore, he is manufacturing transsexuals. None of them had read the abundant literature on gender dysphoria I provided them. I do not have gender dysphoria, I am crazy and I need to recognize that, That's it and that's all. My wife that now knows that I am a woman, she also is crazy and biased since I brainwashed her with all my craziness and very persuasive mind. The literature is also biased in wanting them to believe all the sickness in my mind.
Now I already have an appointment with a psychiatrist that I had been seeing for years. they do not know about that since they are not asking me questions about how my problem started or what are the steps that are already set in the various therapy I am currently following. They just want me to be crazy, well another type of craziness that would not affect theirs little comfortable life. If I was psychotic, it would be reassuring since they would not care! But if I am a transsexual, Ho my! What a shock! They might have to walk besides me on the street some day!
I told my brother in rage, Listen, how many diagnosis do I have to get before you will start to wonder about me, about the pain I suffer, about the fear I am facing, about the enormous lost I already experiment? What will it take for you to stop looking at my dysphoria as a problem that I force into you and rather see the pain I know my sickness does to you? I suffer myself and now I have to take on my shoulder all the pain it is causing everybody and be responsible and guilty of it all. I am now that selfish freak that does not care for the well being of others and just want to experience my own freakish trip to become a woman!
I am so hurt and mad like I have never been before. I am now thinking of cutting myself from my family. I know that the steps to acceptance includes "the negation" of the diagnosis. But I am not ready to be pointed out as a fucking crazy bastard that seems happy to hurt everyone. I am not ready to see myself has a selfish manipulative guru that lied to my wife, therapist and the world. I am ready to answer any questions regarding my life, diagnosis, experience, trauma, insights and so forth. I am ready to be challenged but I will not embark on the ambulance to "cookoo's nest" they all see I deserve. I will seek a second, third and fourth opinion but not for the sole aim at finding other diagnosis that is less challenging to them all. I'll do it for myself and myself only. If their hearts were open and really caring they would have asked me what I already was doing rather than dictating me what I should be doing for their sake! It is going to be a very long, hurtfull week-end and the pain will probably never go away…
Sunshine
Last night, I also met and told my wife's son about my condition. "T" has been in my life for 13 years and I was a father figure to him. He told me "it takes balls to do what you have to do to survive". He told me that no matter what, I'll always be the one that was there to cheer him up, to guide him in his difficult time, to help him out when he was in pain and to love him when the times where harsh. He also told me that no matter what, he will always be proud to walk besides me on the st6reet, to sit at a café and to see me as the woman I must become to survive. I cried of hapyness…
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28 Sep 2007
The backlash Current mood: infuriated
My gay brother that was the first to know about my condition and that was supportive has he has never been towards me in his life his turning back on me now. Along with my half sister, they are now saying that since they never suspected me of cross-dressing since childhood, I am now a manipulative freak that convinced everybody, including my wife and therapist, that I was transgender just to experiment being a woman. They believe that I have some sort of a mental trip that I am so good at selling the idea to everybody that I entice them in my freaking direction. They insist I see a psychiatrist to get a second opinion since my therapist that is a PhD in psychology and an M.Sc in sexology and that has been helping transgender people for 27 years, is biased in directing me to become a woman. They are also saying that all my life I have been having those weird mental trips and that this one is just another one of them. I have in fact been believing in extra-terrestrial and had at some point started an M.Sc. in anthropology on phenomenon of transe (which I later abandoned because of weird nightmares). They are telling my wife (which also is a psychologist) that she is under my spell and that she is biased in believing I was suffering from GID.
My brother told me that I was too old for having that "mental trip" of becoming a sexy young woman and that since I was very old I would be a freak, living alone for the rest of my life and screwing up everyone lives, including my own, for an irrational transvestite daydream. I am now so shock, hurt and mad that I feel I have to distance myself from them. I know that it is very hard for family members to deal with my dysphoria and that denial is just one of the steps. But I can't cope with the fact that they did not read the literature I provided them (they are telling my wife that anyhow I am so manipulative that I choose literature that just reinsert them to believe in my fantasy), that they'd rather believe that I am a sick manipulative deranged person, than to believe I am somebody that truly suffer from GID. This also shows me how they have always been putting me down all my life and how I have always tried to show them my successes that they never acknowledged anyway. My wife is hurt because they believe she is a poor gullible victim of the guru that I am and I am so mad that they'd rather think I am a selfish manipulative freak rather than trying to reason me on grounds that they could research and question. I will definitely go see a psychiatrist and get a second opinion from somebody that is not in the field of gender dysphoria but they will never know his diagnosis, even if he thinks I have no co-morbidity problems. I will ignore them and stop trying to convince them of the truthfulness of my condition. I also am very scared of the day I'll be a woman and the thought of wondering if somebody will ever have the guts to sit beside me, in a crowded place, in broad day light?
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26 Sep 2007
GID is a sickness
Gender Identity Disorder (or Dysphoria) is an illness, becoming a transsexual is the transitional remedy that will allow you to become the woman who then is the state of wellness and the recovery from the GID sickness. Yesterday I have had that argument with a lovely transgender woman that provides phone support and references to the Montreal transgender community. She told me GID is not a sickness, it is a state of being. I said to her, do not say that, I suffer a hell of a lot and GID is still in DSM-IV. Furthermore, if we argue that GID is not a sickness how the hell are we going to be able to have government recognition and free care for the numerous operations that we all need so desperately? I for myself really wish I did not have that bell that is turning my life upside down. I wish I could still have my denial mechanism that allowed me to not be bothered with my dysphoria. But now I am stuck with the realisation that I am a woman inside and that I have no choice but to solve that problem. It is a problem. It is a sickness and IO look forward to becoming a woman to finally get rid of that constant obsession that I am one. I also wish that government and health agencies were being able to cover for the mountain of expenses that sickness will cost me. I even will make it a point of honour to fight for and to tell people about how this sickness makes me (and my wife, family and friends) suffer and I'll do everything I can to help out others that are stuck with this sickness. I'll do so when I'll be cured myself and when my life will be in a lesser state of constant pain than it is right now. I'll also do whatever I can to make sure that someday, sisters in need, can have the care they need without having to be over anxious about money issues. It is enough to go thru what we all go thru without having to fight for services and to pay from your own pocket, the cost of all the medicinal support that will be needed. It is a disgrace that I am now fully aware of.
By the way, I just got back from my first laser treatment session for my beard and torso. WOW, how painful is that, especially near the nose. I almost fainted. I hope me therapist can do a great job cause I am now very afraid of the needles that will be necessary to kill the remaining hairs. I also thank my gene for having no other hair to threat. (my sexologist thought I I shaved my arms. Which obviously was never the case.
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25 Sep 2007
Laser hair removal tomorow
I'll start laser hair removal tomorow. It's not that going to be such a big task. I have my beard and a few hair on my chest. Even my beard is so scarced that I could never grow a full beard. Within less then 10 sessions I'll be hair free....
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Managing the wait
So much stuff to do and so much waiting for so little time. I might not get an appointment with an endocrinologist before November. How will I sleep in the meantime? I'll go see my family doctor and ask for anti-depressive. I only slept 3 hours per might for the last week. Of all the stuff I have to manage on top of my business and family crisis, I do have to find time to learn how to speak, move, think, act like a woman. I also have to do this in the privacy of my office since my wife cannot witness any part of my female side since it hurts her so much. I do have to answer mandates of my clients and I do have to keep pushing to get to the resources I so desperately need and I'll have to find a way to finance all that.
Yesterday I met with one of my partner and a friend that is a PR guy specialising in Crisis management. They both told me that the news of my dysphoria will make the front page of every newspaper in the province and that I'll have media requests pilling up at my door. They also told me not to worry so much about the survival of my practice since business people already know where the money they make is coming from and that they will have a good memory of who jolted those benefits for them. They also believe that I should come out right now and allow the media to follow my transformation and that it could even pay for my surgeries. But then again, I do not want to become a media circus freak and I am aware that the acceptance I will receive from strangers will be closely related to what I will look like. I would then rather wait until several months of HRT and a facial feminization surgery. Anyhow, so much to think about, so much to do and yes, I also have to find an apartment and move out of my home…
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24 Sep 2007
I now have my diagnosis Current mood: relieved
I have a severe state of GID and I'll need to undergo the triadic components of the HBIGDA. I also have a referral for an endocrinologist to start hormonal therapy. I feel relieved, scared, supported and alone.
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Crying Current mood: sad
I must have cried four times in my life. This week-end was one of them. My love and I will be separated by next month. At least that's what the plan is. She cannot witness the changes I am about to go thru. We love each other dearly but I have to express my femme side more and more and every time she sees a glimpse of that side it hurts her profoundly. She does not want to loose her man and to me he already his on his final journey. Since I recognized and accepted that I always wanted to be a woman, my psychic changed dramatically. I now feel I want to shout to the world that I am a woman. But she cannot cope with that, she cannot witness the changes and she cannot love a woman. She needs a penis and a virile image in her life and it is destroying her to see that vanish. So event though we profoundly love each other, I will start looking for a new place to build this new life that's awaiting me. I cried and I cried and I felt those emotions that were estranged to me for my whole life. And I am not on hormones yet…
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22 Sep 2007
We are going to split Current mood: melancholy
Yesterday and the day before were particularly dense. On Thursday I went to a trans support group. The experience was, I should say it, shocking. All the trans that were there, were very courageous in being what they are but they were all very disturbed at the same time. In the room there were prostitutes, drug addicts and so on. It left me wondering if there were meetings of successful TS that would want to share their experience. But then again, happy people do not meet to share their happiness. There are no meetings for healthy TS. The thing is that in order to get funding from government, you have to talk about HEV, drug, prostitution and transexualism. Talking only about transgender issues does not get you a penny from the government. So I suspect that TS that do not identify with the score of problems that could be a part of TS life do not go there. Anyway, let's say that besides the tremendous courage those women are showing in f dealing with their numerous problems, it is not really reassuring to be amongst them.
Yesterday I went to see my gender therapist and so did my wife. I asked him if there were other possible ways of getting rid of that constant mental battle that is happening in my head. I asked him if I could get a shot of testosterone to get rid of my very persistent desire to be a woman. Am I just of obsessive CD? Are there other ways to rebuild the mental defences that helped me to hide and deal with my needs to be a woman, so I could keep my actual life without having to make everybody suffer around me and without jeopardising my professional future? He told me that besides the unlikely discovery of a mental illness (we have not finished yet the story of my life and are still in the diagnosis process), I would have probably no other choice than starting hormones and becoming a woman. Then, my wife went to see him to ask him all the questions about me. She came back very calm but with an understanding of the pain and turmoil I suffer and of the fact that I also am very aware of the pain and anxiousness I am creating in others. That fact, he told her, is also a very good indication of my mental stability. He also told her of my little interest in my penis, of my long time questions about my gender and of the fact that I do not cross-dress for sexual pleasure. All being other elements pointing towards a sex change. So event though we love each other, she could not stay with me and witness all of the challenges and changes to come. We will have to split, but I have hopes that when everything is done, she might get back to me. She also reassured me that we will stay bests friends and that she will be there for me. Just, not on a daily basis. I can't help but understand her. I would probably not stand by her if she needed to become a man. So I can certainly relate. I also am aware of her bi-sexual potential and I am hoping that when she'll see me as the good looking woman I could become, she will have a change of heart. So last night was very emotional for both of us but it also was very calm and respectful of the challenges and roads we both have no other choice to follow.
we will be together for a couple more weeks, waiting for the final verdict we both already know. Then I will move out of our place and find one of my own.
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18 Sep 2007
My happiness makes her sad Current mood: sad
Yesterday (as said in the previous post) was a very good day. So last night and this morning I seemed very happy and relax which in a way, contrast with all the long faces of the past several weeks. So my wife (we are not married but have been together for the past 13 years and I love her dearly) noticed my change of mood and asked me what it was all about. I started by saying that I came out to a business partner and that his reaction was very positive. In fact, he sent me an email this morning stating how supportive he is of all the turmoil I am about to go thru. Just saying, that sent her in a deep sadness as she is seeing that I already crossed the point of no return since I am now telling my business partners about the upcoming changes. She told me that she does not want to believe I will be becoming a woman, that it is a nightmare she cannot wake up from and that she will not be by my side to go thru those changes. She has to protect herself and she will not go see my therapist on Friday since she now sees no point in trying to find other answers to my condition since I already seem to be on the path to self changes. She then left for work sad as I not often have seen her. I really worry for her and her sadness makes me feel guilty of my own happiness and turn my stomach with sorrow.
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17 Sep 2007
Quite a wonderful day Current mood: relieved
I'm just coming back from lunch with a business partner. He is a partner in the sense that I am helping him out with a scientific event his holding every year and our association gives my business credentials. So he is not a major partner per se but an important one for the visibility and credibility of the services I offer. He is a sweet and gentle man. I really like him and he likes my brain and the flow of ideas I give him. I reassured me that whatever my gender, he will always be proud to partner with me. I joked with him that in a year from now, I might be willing to sweep the floor of his lab just to get by. He then reassured me that if I ever was in trouble and needing of a place to work, he would use me for more important task than sweep the floor.
Then I took a coffee with my new friend, Newfound Venus. She is such a sweet and cute girl that is still shy about being the lovely lady that she already is. She was dress androgyny which was more awkward than being the woman she already is. But everyone goes at their own pace and I am certainly not qualified to be the judge of anybodies coming out. We had such a good conversation (she also is quite a brain that goes with the body) and enlighten one. We chatted about her trans life and issues and about mine. It was such a relief to finally be able to share what I am going thru with somebody that already took the steps (and what a result!). We will definitely see each other again and discuss and practice make-up, dressing, manners and all what we need to learn to be the woman we dream. She is only 22 but I did not feel the age gap (unless for the respective "vous" in French, that we usually say to elderly) and quite a niece time in her company. We event might go together to a Trans meeting in Montreal, shopping or on a night out… I am so happy and relieve to find out that the mountain in front of me is a mountain I could climb…
The backlash Gangbang Current mood: tired
Yesterday I have had a drink with my brother in law and have received a phone call from one of my brother. Now my entire family is gangbanging on me. They are telling me (thru me brother) that I need to see a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychologist is not enough in their eyes. I need to see the real thing since I have had delusions in my life and this is just another one of them. What delusion did I have? I believed in extra-terrestrial and I believe that I might have been kidnap by them. So this is proof that I am crazy! Now, for the kidnapping part, let me tell you that 25 years ago, I went down to the States with two of my closest friends. On the way there, at night, we saw (all three of us), a bright shining light hovering above the car, on a deserted road. We remember starting the car after the sighting and being surprise of seeing deers in front and behind the car. Now I do not remember stopping the car and being astounded at the fact that deers where out there in the open road. My friends and I remembered the same thing and where puzzled about it. I event went to an hypnosis to try to get a sense of what happened to me during the missing memory lag. I could not get hypnotize since I am a type of person that is not hypnotizable. I told my family about that experience so there you go, I am crazy.
My brother started telling me other occurrence in my life where my family believes I was "over the top". I therefore need to see a psychiatrist since my current doctor is surely biased because he specializes in gender dysphoria and therefore, he is manufacturing transsexuals. None of them had read the abundant literature on gender dysphoria I provided them. I do not have gender dysphoria, I am crazy and I need to recognize that, That's it and that's all. My wife that now knows that I am a woman, she also is crazy and biased since I brainwashed her with all my craziness and very persuasive mind. The literature is also biased in wanting them to believe all the sickness in my mind.
Now I already have an appointment with a psychiatrist that I had been seeing for years. they do not know about that since they are not asking me questions about how my problem started or what are the steps that are already set in the various therapy I am currently following. They just want me to be crazy, well another type of craziness that would not affect theirs little comfortable life. If I was psychotic, it would be reassuring since they would not care! But if I am a transsexual, Ho my! What a shock! They might have to walk besides me on the street some day!
I told my brother in rage, Listen, how many diagnosis do I have to get before you will start to wonder about me, about the pain I suffer, about the fear I am facing, about the enormous lost I already experiment? What will it take for you to stop looking at my dysphoria as a problem that I force into you and rather see the pain I know my sickness does to you? I suffer myself and now I have to take on my shoulder all the pain it is causing everybody and be responsible and guilty of it all. I am now that selfish freak that does not care for the well being of others and just want to experience my own freakish trip to become a woman!
I am so hurt and mad like I have never been before. I am now thinking of cutting myself from my family. I know that the steps to acceptance includes "the negation" of the diagnosis. But I am not ready to be pointed out as a fucking crazy bastard that seems happy to hurt everyone. I am not ready to see myself has a selfish manipulative guru that lied to my wife, therapist and the world. I am ready to answer any questions regarding my life, diagnosis, experience, trauma, insights and so forth. I am ready to be challenged but I will not embark on the ambulance to "cookoo's nest" they all see I deserve. I will seek a second, third and fourth opinion but not for the sole aim at finding other diagnosis that is less challenging to them all. I'll do it for myself and myself only. If their hearts were open and really caring they would have asked me what I already was doing rather than dictating me what I should be doing for their sake! It is going to be a very long, hurtfull week-end and the pain will probably never go away…
Sunshine
Last night, I also met and told my wife's son about my condition. "T" has been in my life for 13 years and I was a father figure to him. He told me "it takes balls to do what you have to do to survive". He told me that no matter what, I'll always be the one that was there to cheer him up, to guide him in his difficult time, to help him out when he was in pain and to love him when the times where harsh. He also told me that no matter what, he will always be proud to walk besides me on the st6reet, to sit at a café and to see me as the woman I must become to survive. I cried of hapyness…
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28 Sep 2007
The backlash Current mood: infuriated
My gay brother that was the first to know about my condition and that was supportive has he has never been towards me in his life his turning back on me now. Along with my half sister, they are now saying that since they never suspected me of cross-dressing since childhood, I am now a manipulative freak that convinced everybody, including my wife and therapist, that I was transgender just to experiment being a woman. They believe that I have some sort of a mental trip that I am so good at selling the idea to everybody that I entice them in my freaking direction. They insist I see a psychiatrist to get a second opinion since my therapist that is a PhD in psychology and an M.Sc in sexology and that has been helping transgender people for 27 years, is biased in directing me to become a woman. They are also saying that all my life I have been having those weird mental trips and that this one is just another one of them. I have in fact been believing in extra-terrestrial and had at some point started an M.Sc. in anthropology on phenomenon of transe (which I later abandoned because of weird nightmares). They are telling my wife (which also is a psychologist) that she is under my spell and that she is biased in believing I was suffering from GID.
My brother told me that I was too old for having that "mental trip" of becoming a sexy young woman and that since I was very old I would be a freak, living alone for the rest of my life and screwing up everyone lives, including my own, for an irrational transvestite daydream. I am now so shock, hurt and mad that I feel I have to distance myself from them. I know that it is very hard for family members to deal with my dysphoria and that denial is just one of the steps. But I can't cope with the fact that they did not read the literature I provided them (they are telling my wife that anyhow I am so manipulative that I choose literature that just reinsert them to believe in my fantasy), that they'd rather believe that I am a sick manipulative deranged person, than to believe I am somebody that truly suffer from GID. This also shows me how they have always been putting me down all my life and how I have always tried to show them my successes that they never acknowledged anyway. My wife is hurt because they believe she is a poor gullible victim of the guru that I am and I am so mad that they'd rather think I am a selfish manipulative freak rather than trying to reason me on grounds that they could research and question. I will definitely go see a psychiatrist and get a second opinion from somebody that is not in the field of gender dysphoria but they will never know his diagnosis, even if he thinks I have no co-morbidity problems. I will ignore them and stop trying to convince them of the truthfulness of my condition. I also am very scared of the day I'll be a woman and the thought of wondering if somebody will ever have the guts to sit beside me, in a crowded place, in broad day light?
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26 Sep 2007
GID is a sickness
Gender Identity Disorder (or Dysphoria) is an illness, becoming a transsexual is the transitional remedy that will allow you to become the woman who then is the state of wellness and the recovery from the GID sickness. Yesterday I have had that argument with a lovely transgender woman that provides phone support and references to the Montreal transgender community. She told me GID is not a sickness, it is a state of being. I said to her, do not say that, I suffer a hell of a lot and GID is still in DSM-IV. Furthermore, if we argue that GID is not a sickness how the hell are we going to be able to have government recognition and free care for the numerous operations that we all need so desperately? I for myself really wish I did not have that bell that is turning my life upside down. I wish I could still have my denial mechanism that allowed me to not be bothered with my dysphoria. But now I am stuck with the realisation that I am a woman inside and that I have no choice but to solve that problem. It is a problem. It is a sickness and IO look forward to becoming a woman to finally get rid of that constant obsession that I am one. I also wish that government and health agencies were being able to cover for the mountain of expenses that sickness will cost me. I even will make it a point of honour to fight for and to tell people about how this sickness makes me (and my wife, family and friends) suffer and I'll do everything I can to help out others that are stuck with this sickness. I'll do so when I'll be cured myself and when my life will be in a lesser state of constant pain than it is right now. I'll also do whatever I can to make sure that someday, sisters in need, can have the care they need without having to be over anxious about money issues. It is enough to go thru what we all go thru without having to fight for services and to pay from your own pocket, the cost of all the medicinal support that will be needed. It is a disgrace that I am now fully aware of.
By the way, I just got back from my first laser treatment session for my beard and torso. WOW, how painful is that, especially near the nose. I almost fainted. I hope me therapist can do a great job cause I am now very afraid of the needles that will be necessary to kill the remaining hairs. I also thank my gene for having no other hair to threat. (my sexologist thought I I shaved my arms. Which obviously was never the case.
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25 Sep 2007
Laser hair removal tomorow
I'll start laser hair removal tomorow. It's not that going to be such a big task. I have my beard and a few hair on my chest. Even my beard is so scarced that I could never grow a full beard. Within less then 10 sessions I'll be hair free....
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Managing the wait
So much stuff to do and so much waiting for so little time. I might not get an appointment with an endocrinologist before November. How will I sleep in the meantime? I'll go see my family doctor and ask for anti-depressive. I only slept 3 hours per might for the last week. Of all the stuff I have to manage on top of my business and family crisis, I do have to find time to learn how to speak, move, think, act like a woman. I also have to do this in the privacy of my office since my wife cannot witness any part of my female side since it hurts her so much. I do have to answer mandates of my clients and I do have to keep pushing to get to the resources I so desperately need and I'll have to find a way to finance all that.
Yesterday I met with one of my partner and a friend that is a PR guy specialising in Crisis management. They both told me that the news of my dysphoria will make the front page of every newspaper in the province and that I'll have media requests pilling up at my door. They also told me not to worry so much about the survival of my practice since business people already know where the money they make is coming from and that they will have a good memory of who jolted those benefits for them. They also believe that I should come out right now and allow the media to follow my transformation and that it could even pay for my surgeries. But then again, I do not want to become a media circus freak and I am aware that the acceptance I will receive from strangers will be closely related to what I will look like. I would then rather wait until several months of HRT and a facial feminization surgery. Anyhow, so much to think about, so much to do and yes, I also have to find an apartment and move out of my home…
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24 Sep 2007
I now have my diagnosis Current mood: relieved
I have a severe state of GID and I'll need to undergo the triadic components of the HBIGDA. I also have a referral for an endocrinologist to start hormonal therapy. I feel relieved, scared, supported and alone.
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Crying Current mood: sad
I must have cried four times in my life. This week-end was one of them. My love and I will be separated by next month. At least that's what the plan is. She cannot witness the changes I am about to go thru. We love each other dearly but I have to express my femme side more and more and every time she sees a glimpse of that side it hurts her profoundly. She does not want to loose her man and to me he already his on his final journey. Since I recognized and accepted that I always wanted to be a woman, my psychic changed dramatically. I now feel I want to shout to the world that I am a woman. But she cannot cope with that, she cannot witness the changes and she cannot love a woman. She needs a penis and a virile image in her life and it is destroying her to see that vanish. So event though we profoundly love each other, I will start looking for a new place to build this new life that's awaiting me. I cried and I cried and I felt those emotions that were estranged to me for my whole life. And I am not on hormones yet…
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22 Sep 2007
We are going to split Current mood: melancholy
Yesterday and the day before were particularly dense. On Thursday I went to a trans support group. The experience was, I should say it, shocking. All the trans that were there, were very courageous in being what they are but they were all very disturbed at the same time. In the room there were prostitutes, drug addicts and so on. It left me wondering if there were meetings of successful TS that would want to share their experience. But then again, happy people do not meet to share their happiness. There are no meetings for healthy TS. The thing is that in order to get funding from government, you have to talk about HEV, drug, prostitution and transexualism. Talking only about transgender issues does not get you a penny from the government. So I suspect that TS that do not identify with the score of problems that could be a part of TS life do not go there. Anyway, let's say that besides the tremendous courage those women are showing in f dealing with their numerous problems, it is not really reassuring to be amongst them.
Yesterday I went to see my gender therapist and so did my wife. I asked him if there were other possible ways of getting rid of that constant mental battle that is happening in my head. I asked him if I could get a shot of testosterone to get rid of my very persistent desire to be a woman. Am I just of obsessive CD? Are there other ways to rebuild the mental defences that helped me to hide and deal with my needs to be a woman, so I could keep my actual life without having to make everybody suffer around me and without jeopardising my professional future? He told me that besides the unlikely discovery of a mental illness (we have not finished yet the story of my life and are still in the diagnosis process), I would have probably no other choice than starting hormones and becoming a woman. Then, my wife went to see him to ask him all the questions about me. She came back very calm but with an understanding of the pain and turmoil I suffer and of the fact that I also am very aware of the pain and anxiousness I am creating in others. That fact, he told her, is also a very good indication of my mental stability. He also told her of my little interest in my penis, of my long time questions about my gender and of the fact that I do not cross-dress for sexual pleasure. All being other elements pointing towards a sex change. So event though we love each other, she could not stay with me and witness all of the challenges and changes to come. We will have to split, but I have hopes that when everything is done, she might get back to me. She also reassured me that we will stay bests friends and that she will be there for me. Just, not on a daily basis. I can't help but understand her. I would probably not stand by her if she needed to become a man. So I can certainly relate. I also am aware of her bi-sexual potential and I am hoping that when she'll see me as the good looking woman I could become, she will have a change of heart. So last night was very emotional for both of us but it also was very calm and respectful of the challenges and roads we both have no other choice to follow.
we will be together for a couple more weeks, waiting for the final verdict we both already know. Then I will move out of our place and find one of my own.
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18 Sep 2007
My happiness makes her sad Current mood: sad
Yesterday (as said in the previous post) was a very good day. So last night and this morning I seemed very happy and relax which in a way, contrast with all the long faces of the past several weeks. So my wife (we are not married but have been together for the past 13 years and I love her dearly) noticed my change of mood and asked me what it was all about. I started by saying that I came out to a business partner and that his reaction was very positive. In fact, he sent me an email this morning stating how supportive he is of all the turmoil I am about to go thru. Just saying, that sent her in a deep sadness as she is seeing that I already crossed the point of no return since I am now telling my business partners about the upcoming changes. She told me that she does not want to believe I will be becoming a woman, that it is a nightmare she cannot wake up from and that she will not be by my side to go thru those changes. She has to protect herself and she will not go see my therapist on Friday since she now sees no point in trying to find other answers to my condition since I already seem to be on the path to self changes. She then left for work sad as I not often have seen her. I really worry for her and her sadness makes me feel guilty of my own happiness and turn my stomach with sorrow.
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17 Sep 2007
Quite a wonderful day Current mood: relieved
I'm just coming back from lunch with a business partner. He is a partner in the sense that I am helping him out with a scientific event his holding every year and our association gives my business credentials. So he is not a major partner per se but an important one for the visibility and credibility of the services I offer. He is a sweet and gentle man. I really like him and he likes my brain and the flow of ideas I give him. I reassured me that whatever my gender, he will always be proud to partner with me. I joked with him that in a year from now, I might be willing to sweep the floor of his lab just to get by. He then reassured me that if I ever was in trouble and needing of a place to work, he would use me for more important task than sweep the floor.
Then I took a coffee with my new friend, Newfound Venus. She is such a sweet and cute girl that is still shy about being the lovely lady that she already is. She was dress androgyny which was more awkward than being the woman she already is. But everyone goes at their own pace and I am certainly not qualified to be the judge of anybodies coming out. We had such a good conversation (she also is quite a brain that goes with the body) and enlighten one. We chatted about her trans life and issues and about mine. It was such a relief to finally be able to share what I am going thru with somebody that already took the steps (and what a result!). We will definitely see each other again and discuss and practice make-up, dressing, manners and all what we need to learn to be the woman we dream. She is only 22 but I did not feel the age gap (unless for the respective "vous" in French, that we usually say to elderly) and quite a niece time in her company. We event might go together to a Trans meeting in Montreal, shopping or on a night out… I am so happy and relieve to find out that the mountain in front of me is a mountain I could climb…
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