jeudi 27 mars 2008

Archive nov 2007

07 Dec 2007
At least I’ve got my friends and customers
I'm always baffled by the level of acceptance my friends and clients are giving me when I tell them about my GID. A prominent new customer that I met last week wanted me to be her mentor for the years to come. When I told her about my GID, she insisted that from now one, I'll be dress as a woman for our meeting. How accepting is that? This is giving me a relief from the attitude of my family that still prominently rejects me…
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04 Dec 2007
Sadness overcomes me Current mood: sad
I have had a hell of a week-end. First of all, it was my love birthday. Her fathers that always spend the winter in Florida, as every year, choose this week-end to celebrate Christmas, instead of his daughter Bday. Now this year, he did not want to see me. My love and her son protested and they said that since it was our last year together and that she still loves me, she'd rather not see him if I was not there. Now I intervened and said that they should anyhow get together and that I could deal with it. So they agreed to gather as a family and I took off to work in a café. They waited and waited and finally called him. He was still at his home and expected them there. As you can imagine, they postponed the meeting to next week and my son in-law will not want to be there.

So we went to the restaurant to celebrate my love Bday. After supper, we went to my half sister to keep the party going and so my love could receive the gifts my sister in-law family had for her. She was starting to be a little jolly. While we were there, I kept going outside so I could have a smoke. They do not allow anybody to smoke inside. Now, it was -10 outside so after my fourth trip, I was starting to be pissed off. As I came back inside, I noticed how drunk my wife was getting. I know her ways and I can always figure out the point before she blacks out and starts to feel really bad. She was at that point. So I suggested that we should be going home. My sister asked me why, being pissed off, I replied that it was because it was cold outside. She started freaking out, telling me how much of a control addict I was, how much I did not respect anybody and so on. I said that strangely enough, of all the people I know, only my family throws me outside in winter to get a smoke and that every time I am outside, I feel like a dog we are kicking out for its needs. She then said that I was selfish and that it was like my choice to become a woman and the fact that I was making my love suffer so much. I got angry and asked her if it was her fault or her decision to become depressive as she had been. I told her that it was the same for me. Then her husband asked me to leave, which I did.

What gets me very mad is the fact that my real sister will held the Christmas party this year and me and my family are not invited. We are now officially outcast. We have received them all dozens of time. In fact, if there was somebody that received them more than its share it was us. We had a huge house, a pool, a complete bar and lots of money that we happily spent on them. But because of my condition, My wife, her son and I are now outcast. What also made me very angry was the same phrase that keeps coming on from almost everybody in my family, which is give us time! It's been four months now and most of them never phone me; They do not want me to phone either (because they then tell me I am putting pressure on them) they do not want to see pictures of myself as a woman and now I am this egotistical freak that they do not want to see for Christmas. I have tremendous support from people I do not really know and the people that count the most from me, are turning their back. I am beside myself and now, I'll be the one turning my back on them.

The following day, my wife obviously had a major headache. So we spent the day quietly doing cocooning. I stayed in men clothes all week-end to give her something to be happy about. She suggested that we look at the movie Normal. We both cried most of the movie and both identified with the corresponding characters. She still wants me to live at the end of the month but she is so sad about it and so am I. The next morning, she asked me to try to find a wife support group and asked me to start dressing as a woman as many time as I could so she could start facing the fact that I'll soon be one and start to settle and get use to it so we can at least remain friends. That idea brings me joy and sorrow as I am now facing more and more the fact that we will not be together anymore. It was quite a week-end and the holydays to come will certainly the most painful ones I will have ever experienced…
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28 Nov 2007
I choose my FFS Surgeon, any recommendations?
I just got off the phone with Dr. Spiegel, out of Boston Massachussets. I already had quotes from several other surgeons, including the famous and now infamous Dr. Ousterhout (his been sued and a TS killed herself after he botched her jaw job). Dr. Spiegel price is in the middle of the range of the quotes I already had. The prices are going from $22000 to $40000. For Forehead contouring with scalp advancement and browlift, mandible contouring (jaw and chin), Lip lift with augmentation, Rhinoplasty and Cheek augmentation with Dr. Spiegel it would cost $30 000.

I also have seen before and after pictures of his work, he's never been sued and teaches Face surgery at university. He also does 2 FFS a week for several years now. He is the surgeon that I feel most confident with. Any of you guys had surgery with this guy?
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27 Nov 2007
My sister’s more accepting now
a couple of months ago I told you about my sister that said to me that she rather have learn I was dead than a trans, cause it would have been easier for her to accept. She also told me not to phone her back and to wait for her to call me back if she ever feels like she can talk to me.

On Sunday morning, I was going to call one of my brothers. He is the last one that did not know about my transition because he has a mental illness and I wanted to spare him the anguish and crisis that everybody in my family felt after I told them the news. I also wanted to wait until I could go back to Quebec City (5 hours back and forth from Montreal) to tell him in person. As there are no travel plans or conference in Quebec for the rear future, I had to tell him the news since Christmas is coming soon and since he will obviously wander as to why I and my love will not be there this year. So I decided to call him on Sunday morning and by mistake, I phone my sister instead. She was very surprised to hear me 9and so was I) but the conversation went along well. She told me that she still love me, wished me well but also told me how the situation was hard for her to handle. She also said that she gets news of me from my other brother that I see on a regular basis. She said that she could not witness all the transformation phases but that when I'll have become a woman, she might be more incline to see me as the grief of the loss of her cherish brother, will have fade away. I told her that I understood her pain, that I would respect her need for time and that she deeply hurted me by her initial very destructive reaction. But I also said that I have support from my friends and client, that I will go thru with this on a positive manner and that I felt really good about the fact that we now had reopen the communication channel. She said that she will call me back and invited me to phone her whenever I would feel like doing so. That being said, she is the one doing the Christmas party this year and as of today, I, my love and her son are not on the guest list. We will just have to deal with that.

Coming back to my brother, is initial reaction was very positive but he seemed more interested to learn what everybody else thought of my situation rather than knowing what I felt myself or what question he might have himself. Yesterday, he phoned me back saying that he'll b supporting me no mater what… I felt great to hear him say that…
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Going out with “Mu”
One of my feminity coach, I'll call her "Mu", went out with me last Thursday, to a straight tapas and wine bar in Montreal. We sat there for about four hours. The people that were there did not seem to notice me or to react negatively to my presence. Except for two guys that were sitting besides us and noticed that there was something odd about me and joked to themselves about it, nothing really made me feel uncomfortable. Mu told me that I seemed more relaxed and smiling as a woman that I ever was as a man. This made me feel good and I said to myself that in the worst case scenario, I looked like a transvestite with class and style…
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25 Nov 2007
The effects of HRT so far
Well, besides finally being able to sleep at night, not so much visible effects or effects I could feel from taking hormones. I feel like I did not take anything. The following weeks and months will be probably different. I hope so anyway.
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21 Nov 2007
Just started hormones
An hour ago, I just started hormonal therapy. Obviously, I do not feel anything yet, besides the tremendous joy and sadness this important step is bringing me. I fell joy as I am embarking on a life changing path that will make me the woman I should alwayx have been. I also feel the sadness from the fact that the people that are the closest to me are not there to share the joy with me. To them, it is a rather misguided venture that they do not want to know about. I did not and could not speak to many of them, for three months now. When they'll hear about this, they we feel betrayed and they will be very sorry for me. This saddens me a lot. But, this is part of the path that I have to face and I certainly hope that thru all the hardship I am facing, the sun will rise and shine on the other side. For now, I am relieved…
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19 Nov 2007
Got my ears pierced today and saw an FFS surgeon
Today, I got my ears pierced. I was surprise at now not painful this was. I also had a meeting with a Montreal FFS surgeon. Dr. Bensimon. He told me I would need a forehead reshaping, a nose job, an eyelid surgery, a jaw recontouring and an upper lip fill (from fat of my body). nI was surprise at the cost of surgery as I expected a much more hefty price tag. We are talking of $22 000 CDN which is $10 000 less than I expected. I also discussed with my therapist (that I also saw today) the timeline of all my transition. So the plan looks like I'll have my FFS in July 2008 and in September or October of the same year, I'll have the breast implant and the full SRS.
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16 Nov 2007
Amazed at how well people take it Current mood: cheerful
I am baffled at how well people are taking the news of my upcoming transition (besides my love and family). I received so many acceptances and respect that it makes me wonder how I could have had doubts. Then again, I am very lucky to be revolving around well educated people, innovators and gentle and smart human beings. I suspect this is not what all TS might experience. And I know this is not just lip service since people that I already told about my upcoming changes, call me back to know more about my issues, give me more mandates or enquire about how I am doing. I should also say that I am telling them in a relax and confident manner, that I joke a bit about it and that when they see the first three pictures of my profile, they feel more at ease with it and tell me that I look cute. Many of the folks I told about, are telling me how privileged they feel about having me sharing this ordeal with them and about the high integrity I am showing them in letting them know because I feel this is the ethical thing to do since we are business acquaintances, provider or else and that I do not want them to hear about it in the press or true the grapevine. Many of them can't wait to see me as a woman. This is all very reassuring to me. And yes, the possibility of yapping about it and start rumours is very hard for people to contemplate or do since no one would believe them (I am so macho) and they would look like fools. I know that for a fact since somebody tried it and a couple of my friends that were there told me how stupid the guy that blabbed about it looked, when no one believed him.
I should also point out that my province (Quebec) is much more open minded that many other parts of the world. I am very lucky after all...
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12 Nov 2007
The first medical step Current mood: cheerful
So far, I have seen the shrinks and capillary management side of my dysphoria. But this morning and last night, started the medical process. Last night I received a call from an FFS surgeon from PA. My wife was sitting beside me at the time and I could not not talk to him. So I went into the details of what I might need (from the pictures I sent him) and the approximate cost of doing it all. Then this morning, I had the series of blood and urinal test to get all the info necessary for the endocrinologist that I will meet next week, hopefully for my first hormones. So last night, I slept only two hours (which is a bit less than the four I have been sleeping since the psychological gender identity outbreak that started in august). I was very happy, anxious and sad all at the same time. I was very happy since I am approaching "the cure" of my disorder. I am anxious because of the cost that is involved in all of this and the several ways I'll have to finance it. I also am anguish because of the fear that my smoking habits, the heart disease my father is suffering and my not so high blood pressure might hinder me from receiving hormones. And finally, I am sad as the more I approached my goal to become a woman, the more I see my dear companion drifting away from me and being hurt by my new feminine side that is more and more evolving. I am writing this in one of the best look I have had yet, since all afternoon, a client of mine that is a tall woman clothes designer helped me figure out questions of looks, hairdo, style, make-up and so on. We really struck a nice friendship that is mixed with a bit of business that is helping each of us in different ways. She is really quite a model for me. She is very tall (6'1"), extremely gracious and feminine and she has a heart like you couldn't believe. All in all, even though I still have so many issues with my family and with the love of my life that I am losing over this, I still consider myself very lucky compare to some TS that I met in TS meetings, that I read story about or that have to sell their body on the street to survive all this ordeal. Thank god for the providence that is blessing me…

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