jeudi 27 mars 2008

Archive oct 2007

08 Nov 2007
The responsibility of sharing dilemma Current mood: pensive
Last night I have had a meeting with co-authors and the publisher of a book we all wrote on the subject of blogging. We were their to signed advance copies that were bought prior to the official release of the book. I already told my publisher about my transition and she agreed to publish a book about it if I ever choose to do so. Now after we all signed the copies, I went outside to smoke a cigarette and told what is happening with me, the two remaining co-authors that did not already know about my condition. One of them is a much respected online Ad wizard and viral marketing guru in Montreal. When I told him about my upcoming transition, he told me a story about Brad Pitt. He told me that when he was 17, his mother told him that he was very attractive and quite smart and that these gifts of nature came with a responsibility. He said that you can't just keep the gift life gives you and not do something for others with it. He the went on to say, that I had a gift for communicating in a humorous manner, that I already was well respected and that I already was all over the media. Therefore, the fact that I suffer from GID was a sign of destiny that pointed me towards making that condition known and accepted by the general public. He said that I had the responsibility to share my experience and to tell that story to make it more common for other TS and for the regular folks. He said that it was sad that this condition was still taboo and that if there was one person that could change that in our province that would be me.

I told him about the communication strategy that my PR advisors settled for me which was to only talk about it once on my blog, and to give an in depth interview to a very serious media (printed of TV) and to then not talk about it in order to keep the focus on my expertise rather than on the fact that I will become a TS. They said that they do not want me to become the media transgender circus freak that the media could make of me and that could very well hurt my practice. My friends said that on the contrary I should tell the world right now about what I am going thru and make it mundane rather than keep it a secret that keeps giving the impression that it is something you should be ashamed of and that it is something we should not talk about. He said "so f***ing what if you become a media circus freak"? You have back bones and you certainly can deal with this! In fact, it would be a good thing if you became one since it would give positive exposure to GID and it would be balanced by the fact that you already are well respected. He reminded me that I said that all my clients were already supporting me! So what was I afraid about? He also told me "in a year from now, when you'll give conferences on the importance of being transparent in your Web communications, how will you be able to justify that you lied about your condition that became so apparent, for all those months? I replied that this condition is of personal nature and that the world does not have to know before I am ready willing and able to share the news with them. He said it was total crap and that I had the burden of responsibility that came with the gifts of nature and with that condition that was send upon my path!

I am now really questioning what I should do about all this. He certainly has a point in the responsibilities I have towards my fellow sisters and towards the community at large. I also have a moral dilemma with keeping this secret since I am outgoing by nature, I love to share and I already lecture people about the new realities of the Web which is now made of the tyranny of transparency. But then again, I do not know if I will be able to walk the streets feeling good about myself and at the same time, having all those potential fingers pointing at me? I do not know if I can live with being the TS spokesperson for the rest of my life and I am really scared about that responsibility I know I have to fulfil one way or another at some point in my process. I'll sleep on it for several nights (when I can sleep), I'll discuss it with my therapist but I already know that this makes sense and that it is more in sync with who I am than to act like I am ashamed of what I am going thru…

05 Nov 2007
Going shopping
Last week, I went shopping as a woman for the first time. I chose a Wednesday night which usually is quieter at shopping malls. I went to a Winner and it was fantastic to look at tops, squirts, dresses and winter coat and actually been able to try them on in the lady try out section. I chose several pieces that I am very anxious to wear in public again. It went fairly well and the girls that let me try the outfits at the try out section, did not say anything bad (although they giggled all the time) and did not seem to really care if I was a man in a dress or not. It was again another test I am, imposing myself in order to start blending in and getting accustomed in my future role as a full fledge woman.


On Saturday, I went for my second laser electrolysis. My doctor prescribed me EMLA which is a topical anaesthesia and it really worked. The area (my beard and chess) were frozen just enough for me to not feel the pain of the procedure. I am happy to report that after only 2 sessions, my breast is now rid of hair. I still have a couple of grey hair that will have to be treated with regular electrolysis. As for my face, I react really well to the treatment and 4 or 5 more sessions and I'll be beard free (again, except for a couple of grey hairs that will be removed with other means). I am very lucky to be almost hair free. This used to shame me when I was in negation of my female side but now that I fully am aware of my GID and ready to become a woman, this is quite a relief…

03 Nov 2007
Question for you guys
I have had a meeting with my PR crisis management team. Since I am a respected and well known expert in my field, I am in the traditional Medias almost every week to comment on various aspects of the impact of the web on business settings. Economic and technology journalists are the main type of journalist that are requesting my views. The news of my coming out is therefore bound to make the front page of every local newspaper (from what my team tells me and I tend to agree with them). So in order not to make me the circus transgender freak that the media might want to make of me, the PR tactic my team are suggesting me is to make one nad only one statement of my coming out on my regular blog and to give an in-depth interview at only one very serious media. As for the other media, if they want to know or write about my coming out, they will have to go thru a PR agent that will ask them what is the new angle they want to portray and since every angle will already have been cover by the serious media (with a big accent given to the scientific facts about GID), the matter will just die by itself.

Now, here is my problem for your consideration. In my public conference, I speak often on hew the web as made it very important to be transparent in the new Web communication setting. So the crisis management suggestion goes completely against what I preach. Furthermore, I also am now aware that being a TS is very difficult and that the medical establishment treats us like shit and the the adequate health services that we pay for by our taxes is not there to support us at a time when we need it most. And I want to shoot at that injustice and change and educate people.

But then again, I do not want to spend the rest of my life as that transsexual labelled freak that the media will request whenever they feel they need to cover the topic. In our province, we have a lawyer that is also "the transgender media freak" and when people are talking about her, they are talking about the transgender and forget that she is a lawyer and I presume her practice has gone down the drain.

So what are your thoughts on these questions? How can I remain an expert that his sought after for her knowledge and expertise and how can I help my fellow transgender sister and educate people about that very difficult problem without jeopardising my expert image, my life as a woman and my future? I want to help out and change things but I do not want to become and be labelled as the media gender freak

Many more “en femme” gatherings Current mood: calm
For the past two weeks I went out more and more en femme. I event went to see one of my client (a tall woman clothes designer) dress as a woman. She was very impress with my look and mannerism. We spent the afternoon looking at her web issues then she told me "if it was not for your voice, I would believe that you are a woman". We then looked at her line of clothes and I was ecstatic to try on some of her fine woman suits. It is money in the bank since I am not going to take my picks until my new woman figures are set (in a year from now).

Going out by myself

After that afternoon with my client, I went out to a local Montreal Starbuck to meet with one of my cousin. He was stunned by my feminine look. We stayed at the coffee place for a couple of hours and nobody seemed to care about that 6'2" tall woman. One of the acquaintances of my cousin came at our table to greet him and sat with us for a couple of minutes. My cousin introduced me as is female cousin and that guy seemed to acknowledge me as a member of the female sex. I spoke very few words in my best female voice and he seemed truly convinced that I was a woman. If he was not convinced, he was gentleman enough not to give me weird looks or hints at the discomfort he might have felt being sitting with a transvestite. That was another reassuring moment for me. We then walked along a very busy avenue in Montreal to go meet my cousin boyfriend (he is gay). The next day, my cousin phones me and told me that he was very mad at some old guys that gave me weird looks on the street the night before. I told him that since I was speaking in my male voice on the street, which probably was a dead give away. I also realised that when I myself see somebody that look at me in a strange way, I am telling myself that he is wondering about my height rather than my masculine look. This is helping me cope with the possible stares. But then again, I also realise that in broad day light, or when I am tired, I have a masculine look that will have to be corrected with FFS. I have seen pictures of myself that are a testament of what I still have to do in order to become a fully acceptable woman and I intend to do so.

The next few days

The following days, I went out by myself in the gay ghetto in Montreal. I was well received by the various people I met but I am also realising that this is not my crowd and that I felt wrong being there. The gay culture does not seem to fit with me and I will have to develop the guts to go out at regular bars and restaurant and experiment with being in a non-gay setting. It is reassuring going to gay places since I know they might not be discriminating as the heterosexuals could be but then again, I do not want to be ghettoized for the rest of my life and I will have to accept my condition in real life settings.

Then there was Halloween!

My good buddy had a wine and cheese party at his home for Halloween. His theme for this year was "the far-west". All the people that were there were heterosexual couples. I went by myself since my SO does not want to see me as a woman and since most of the guest that were going to be at my budy's party were friend of mine. I went there as a 19th century "madam". I was a smash. The girls were jealous of my long legs and of my style and make-up. Some of them told me that I should give them make-up crash course. That felt very strange since I only have been putting make-up for maybe 12 times in my whole life. But then again, it was very reassuring to me. My male friends told me I looked better as a woman than as a man. Some of them were intrigued by my breast and wanted to feel them. I told them that for this first time I would not mind but that once they'll be real, I would punch them in the face it they ever venture to touch them (it was told as a macho joke since they've all know me as the epitome of a macho guy). I felt very comfortable being a woman amongst my friends. The first five minutes were awkward but then everything fell in places. The following Monday, I was a speaker at an event were one of my woman friend and her husband that were at the wine and cheese, also were there. My woman friend, after the event, approached me and told me that it was a shock to see me as a man after seeing me as a woman. She told me that I looked so happy and natural as a woman that seeing me as a man a couple days later was very awkward and shocking. She could not correlate the image of me as a woman with the macho, loud mouth and sad looking male I was on Monday. It was easier for her to accept me as a woman than to accept me as a man! She also accepted to be one of my "feminity" coach and we will go out as girlfriends to have supper in town and to shop, so she can pin-point areas of mannerism, posture and so on, that I have to improve in order to fully pass.

Then there is my wife

Things are getting harder and harder with my wife. I went to see a second psychologist to get my second set of diagnosis that is required by surgeons for the transitioning process. When I went there I told her that I was going to split with my wife event if we both deeply love each other. She then told me the strangest thing. She said that all the transsexuals she meets (man or woman), tell her of how good their marital relationship was prior to the first diagnosis og gender dysphoria and that that was very peculiar since in socalled "normal" heterosexual couples, that was not the case. Most of them talked about how difficult it was to be in couple with their spouse. But for the transsexuals, they unanimously reported a very healthy and fulfilling relationship with their spouse prior to the emergence of their gender problem. She said that I should tell my wife that she could see her and help her thru the acceptance of my condition and that we could have a chance of being happy together even if I change sex. She helped many couples go thru that process and after all is done, they have a very healthy relationship (that includes sex) and their story are the most touching love story you could ever hear of.

I was very uplifted with this speech and I was eager to share that with my SO. But when I did, an eruption of sadness, anger and pain occurred, My wife told me that she had been very supportive of my situation (which is very true) and understood that I had no choice but to transition and that by being sceptical or the need she has to end our relationship, I was not giving her back the understanding that she gave me. She told me that as I have no choice but to become a woman, she has no choice but to leave me. This was not a matter of choice for her since she could never fall in love with a woman and that she is in the process of grieving the man she loves. She said that we definitely have to split and that maybe someday, when the man will disappear, she could become friend or love again the new woman she'll learn to discover.

I also told her (without saying this was a remark from my therapist) that the menace of leaving me if I become a woman was kind of bargaining chip to keep me from transitioning. This was too much for her to hear (and very inadequate for me to say, even if I believe it) that it sent her thru the roof. She told me how inconsiderate I was, how I do not support her and share her pain of leaving me and so on. So the last couple of days were very horrible for both of us and I will definitely have to leave. I fell more and more sad being a man and I can't wait to put my girl attire. But I cannot do so at home when she is there since it clearly affects her. So I wait for her to go to sleep so I can put on my breast and nightgown and go to sleep in the guest room. When I wake-up, I keep my breast under my man dark bathrobe and since she does not really see them, she does not bother. But I have to experiment being a woman more and more in order to develop and perfect the woman persona that I will soon have to live for the rest of my life. It is proving very difficult for both of us to do so while leaving under the same roof. So I now know, realise and accept the fact that we will be apart and we are aiming for January as the month that will split and go on with our separate life. I do not fell the pain of the separation since I am telling myself that it is just a phase she is going thru and that she has to grief her male husband but that we will be back together someday…

17 Oct 2007
Going out en femme Current mood: cheerful
This week-end and Monday, I went out en femme, first, to go out on Saturday night, then to go see my therapist, as he requested. For Saturday night, I wanted to know what it was like to walk in broad day light, as a woman. I went on a very busy street in Montreal, just walking around on the sidewalk. I did not get any bad looks and the people that looked at me did not seemed particularly shocked or intrigued by my appearance. I then went to the liquor store to purchase a bottle of wine. On the floor, I saked for wine suggestions to the woman clerk that was there, she walked along with me and provided me with suggestions. She must have known I was a transvestite since I made no efforts to hide my voice. Then at the counter, the male cashier looked at me in a puzzled way. He looked like he suspected something but he did not said anything and I did not provided clues since I was silent. Then I called one of my brothers and asked him if he was ready to see me dress as a woman. He invited me over. When I got there, he and his girlfriend were first amazed at my transformation. My sister in law told me that my sisters would be jealous of how good I look as a woman. She was tryly delighted of having a new girlfriend to chitchat dresses and make-up with. She also told me that she could never imagine that we could be talking about such subjects one day. My brother was unease at first, quite understandably. But he got warmer and soon we were as we always have been, except that I was now looking likes a woman. We joked a lot, took a couple of drinks then I was set to go to the rest of my evening. While I was at my brother I received a phone call from my wife, asking me what I had planned for the evening. I told her that I was at my brother as a woman. She could not believe it at first and was truly surprise to hear about my brother acceptance of my situation.

For Saturday night, I had planned for a girly supper with a TS friend that I met on MySpace. I got to her place then we went to the gay village in montreal. The restaurant we stopped for supper already had a transgender happening that we accidentally happened to crash. We sat with these people and had a very good conversation about transgender issues and so on. then my friend and I went to a bar and took another drink. that friend is very young and I soon discover that we might have subject to discuss but to go out together is kind of awkward. Especially that when we got ther, she met with another of her TS friend that was already there. They started talking, turning their back at me while at the same time, inviting me to join the conversation. I then left them and went on my own to another bar. The ret of the evening was kind of boring since the bar was empty (it was kind of early for people to show up but kind of late for an old gal like me) and I came back home.

On Sunday, my brother phone me to tell me that he received shit from our half-sister that heard about me having been there as a woman, from my wife. She told him that he was being manipulated by me and that by accepting to receive me dress like this was just encouraging me in my mental sickness that has to stop. She even told him she was going to get rid of me as the legal tutor of her two children 9which are like my own) if I was to become a woman. My brother told her that he was not being manipulated, that he was sane enough to make his own decision, that I look3ed surprisingly good as a woman and that he would support me no matter what. E felt reassured by my brother reactions but seriously hurt at the prospect of possibly never see my nephews again. Let's say that she (and others in the family), have a very long way to go before accepting me.

On Monday, I got ready to go see my therapist as a woman. He was very impressed to see me dress like that and he told me that as long as I do not speak, I could already successfully pass as a woman. He also told me that my mannerisms were already very feminine and that he was now even surer of the success of my transition. Those words gave me great relief.

I then called one of my ex associate and friend and asked him if he was ready to see me en femme. He said yes but he could not see me before 1.5 hour. In the meantime I went shopping for "en femme" for the first time. The experience was very positive and I even received a honk from a driver that noticed that I had dropped my cell while going out of my car. In the shop, I forced myself to speak in the best feminine voice that I could and I tried a shirt that I bought, along with a pair of gloves. Every body in the shop treated me as if I was a woman and that felt really good. I then got to my friend and chitchatted with him. He was very surprised at first but then we were joking as we always do. He told me that I looked better as a woman than as a man. He also invited me for his traditional Halloween party and that since his theme this year is the Wild West, he would be glad to see me there as a cowgirl if that was my wish.

Overall, those experiences helped me come out of my shell and I felt really good walking around, driving, shopping and interacting as a woman. Another thing, yesterday I was a speaker at an event for the clothing industry, to explain how the Web could help them out. In the group, there was a very good designer that specialized in tall woman apparel. I already spotted her brand and said to myself that I was going to look for her stuff when I could get around to it. Now, after my presentation she approached me and asked how we could work together since she was an SME that could probably not afford my consulting fees. I then asked her to wait for me outside, since I could work for her but that I had to talk to her in private first. I then explained to her what my situation was and that I would really be glad to help her out if we could come to an agreement and batter my fees, for her line of clothes and her expert advice on femininity matters. She is a very tall stunning woman that radiates class and good taste and her line of clothes are just what I was looking for. So we came to an agreement and I will start giving her advice next week. I also believe that we could become very good friends, that she might develop a niche for transgender people (which would definitely be needed) and that she could be the best coach I ever dreamed of. So, all and all, I still suffer from my family rejection but I really cherish the other kind of support I have from friends, clients and even strangers…
By the way I added a picture of myself from the day I went to see my therapist en femme. It is a bit fuzzy (it's hard to picture yourself) but you get the Idea…

10 Oct 2007
The strangest reaction so far Current mood: rejuvenated
Yesterday I was at one of my most important client. The president is a man and the owner is his wife. We all had lunch between the morning and afternoon sessions with two different groups of their employees. After lunch, on the way back in their SUV, I told them about my situation and about the transition I am about to start. after I told them I was transsexual and that I was going to change sex the owner exclaimed " Wow that's so cool"! I was completely cut off guard be her reaction. I knew she was an open minded person but never would I have thought that she would find it "cool". After her initial reaction, she calm down and told me about how much I must have had pain with this issue and that she was really happy for me that I could become the woman I always dreamt to be. She also told me that they'll take care of their employees when the time will come and that they will keep working with me no matter what and that they will not stand behind any employee that might be negative towards me. We then joked about finding clothes for tall woman (she is 5'11'') and went back for the afternoon of meeting. I left my day there puzzled, relieved and very happy about this unforeseen, very positive reaction.

08 Oct 2007
My wife’s a sweetheart Current mood: happy
Friday, when I went to see my therapist, he told me to come and see him dress en Femme for our next appointment. This idea really excites me and gives me the creeps at the same time. Although I have been cross-dressing extensively for the last two years, I only have been out of my condo two times, at night and the pictures in my profile where taken then. So I am very nervous of venturing out in broad day light and I also am very scared of encountering neighbours on my way there and back. Then again, I'll have to venture out some day.

So as I usually do, when I got back from the therapist, my wife and I discussed what happened. Even though we are going to live apart, She is very concern of my well being and supportive of the changes to come, on a rational level anyway. She knows I am a transsexual, she understands the implications for me and she wants me to succeed in becoming the best woman I could be. She is also worry about the rejection I might suffer (and that I already am experimenting with my family). So she agreed to see me cross-dressed for the first time. It was a big shock for her since when she got back sooner than expected from her day long shopping, I told her I was just starting to put make-up and was already dressed in woman clothes. She told me she was ready to see me but since I only had time to put foundation, I looked very pale. She cried for a while and asked me to remove the wig and make-up. She then took a long look at me and agreed to let me spend the next week-ends dress as a woman, as long as I do not put a wig and make-up, since it really scares the hell out of her.

The following day, she was going shopping for herself and I was accompanying her. She then decided to shop for me and help me with outfits. We picked-up to wool tops and a belt (since it is getting much colder up here in Canada). When we got back, she asked me to give her a fashion show. I showed her everything I had already bought and she commented on what looked pretty and what was bad. She really helped me feel more comfortable with the woman inside me that is just starting to express herself. I was ecstatic and she now knows that she'll be able to help me thru the stages I will go thru and that we will be able to remain friends for the years to come. She definitely is a sweetheart. I just hope that someday, she can fall back in love with the woman I will become…

04 Oct 2007
My other sister
I have been on the road for the last few days. I was speaker at a national event that was held in the national capital, where my other sister also lives. So I went to see her at her place and I had supper with her and her husband. She was much warmer than the rest of the family and she recognized that I am not crazy. Nevertheless, her husband that started the conversation quite aggressively by telling me that my practice would die and that I would starve to death since nobody in the business community would dare give me contracts when my issues will be known to the public, got a little warmer towards my dysphoria as the evening progressed. My sister told me that she knows how much I am suffering from all that rejection and from all the turmoil and anguish I will suffer from losing my wife, changing sex, dealing with all the issues surrounding all these and from the related survival and money issues. She told me that she will always love me and she'll try her best to be accepting the new me but that she will probably have problems doing so. She also told me how distress she will be by having to deal with this and explain this to her son (who's now 3) as he gets older. She also told me that eventually everything will fall into place but that I have to be patient with everybody and wait for them to come around, if ever. I replied that fortunately I have friends that are already supportive and that I suffer a great deal that the people most important to me (my wife and family) could not deal with the situation. I also said that I had been deeply hurt be everybody's reactions and when they'll come around, I might also ignore them since the acceptance road goes both ways. Since everybody are so selfish in looking at their own issues, I might do the same at some point and I also have to protect myself from all this negativity and surround me with positive friendly people in order to succeed that treatment that will make me a complete woman.

Overall I felt understood, loved and also scared that for times to come, I'll be rejected by my whole family. But I also know that she will do her best to reason them and that she will try very hard to be accepting herself when my body and personality will start to change. Anyway, the future will tell…

01 Oct 2007
I told my father
Yesterday I told my father about the fact that I'll become a woman. He took the new relatively well. But then again, everyone in my family took the news relatively well until a few days later when the start insisting that I see a psychiatrist sine it is now obvious that I am crazy. That being said, I told my father about the wave of rejection that everybody is giving me and that I'll have to accept their fears and feelings and that I'll have to keep going on with my life. He assured me that he will not have a change of heart and that he will be fine with my explanations and with the sickness which triggers my sex change. Since he is gay and since he works and dancers bars, he witnessed a lot of sex changes in his life and he can understand that it is not a choice but rather an obligation to do so. Although he is in a state of shock he will try to reason my brothers and sisters. He told me that no matter what, he'll be there.

Time will tell! Later today, I'll have supper with another one of my sisters. She used to be an administrative judge and is very well balanced. She had a long talk with my wife on Saturday and it seems that she was relatively calm and reflective about the whole thing. She told my wife that she knows that doors will close on me in the family and that she'll try her best to reason them but that she feels I might be pushing the news down to their throat. So tonight, will see each other in the flesh, after I told her over the phone last week. She'll obviously have several questions about my state and about the treatment that I say I have no choice but to undertake. But I am hoping that she will remain calm, open and willing to listen to the facts of my life without going to the extreme "you are crazy" scenario.

Rejection again Current mood: crushed
Last night one of my sisters phone me in a state of great despair to tell me she could not see me anymore and that she could never accept me as a sister. She told me it would have been easier to learn that I have died than to learn that I was about to change sex. She cried and cried and told me I was having a delirium and that I needed to go to hospital right away to be put in intense observation. She told me all that while having what seems to be a nervous break down. She told me she did not sleep since she heard the news and that she is crying all the time. She told me she could not deal with having such a freak family since my father and older brother are gay, one of my brother is psychotic and now me that is transsexual. She could finally accept all of them but now it is just too much to witness the brother she always admired and love to become a woman. She told me she could never accept that and that therefore she will not see me anymore. She might phone me at some point down the road but I am now eradicated from her life. She insisted I see a psychiatrist since it is obvious I am now crazy.

I tried to remain calm, explain in detail what GID is and why I need to be a woman. None of my arguments were right, I am crazy and that is it. It was really painful. I told my wife about it and she told me that my sister is probably having a nervous break down and that I have to shield myself from everybody else problems. But it is hard to see someone in your family in such a state of despair and to know that even though you do not want that, you are in a way responsible for that state of mind.

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