jeudi 27 mars 2008

archives sept 2007

10 Sep 2007
Just got back from the shop
I just got back from the shop where I purchased several business outfits, just in case I happen to be a woman, as I am more and more incline to believe. After the initial well received reactions of my half-sister to the news of my gender dysphoria, she now wants to meet with my brother that knows all about transsexuals. She wants to know what she can do to make me change my mind. Go figure! Yesterday she calls my SO and start telling her that I do not know how I am changing everybody's life with my new "pet project" and she wants to talk to her about that. Now, my wife had me tell my half-sister so she could have her for support. It seems that it backfired and now my half-sister wants my wife for support. "C" has enough problem dealing with me has her husband without having to cater to everybody else's needs. It's a good thing my brother could take over. But now, I have all my family to eventually tell about it. I'll wait for a final diagnosis and treatment schedule to start spreading the news to them.

09 Sep 2007
It‘s official, I have GID
Friday I met my gender counsellor. It's now official that I have GID. The question now is to know what flavour. I brought my therapist the pictures you see in the profile (in black and white since my printer does not do color). He was flabbergasted. He could hardly believe this was me. He was amazed at the level of feminity those pictures are showing and the contrast between the male persona he is meeting and the pictures he was looking at.
Friday night I talked to my half-sister and my brother in law about my issues. They were very receptive and told me no matter what is the outcome, they'll always be there. But then, my brother in law started questioning my motives and was astounded by the positive outtake I seemed to have about being a Trans. My SO could hardly hear all of this without bursting in tears. They asked me if I thought I was a trans. I told them that if i believed I was just a transvestite, they would not be sitting in front of me discussing all this since I would keep dressing and not being assaulted by all those thoughts of myself as a woman. I told them that I like my life and that rationally I do not want to be a woman. But at the same time, my thoughts are always going in the direction of believing I was a woman. With all the fears and uncertainty those thoughts carry with them, they also are a relief in the sense that they explains a hell of a lot of stuff that I carried over the years and that, until now, I was able to hide from myself and make believe this was not happening. But now, all my psychological defences against the feeling of being a woman were gone and that I had no other choice, for my own sanity, to further explore and to find answers to those extremely persistent thoughts of myself as being a woman.

My SO is therefore more and more depressed at seeing her man slowly drifting away. She agreed to start looking at literature concerning the transgender phenomena and to read about SO issues. She even asked me to order "My husband Betty". She also wants to meet with my therapist and to investigate how this is affecting her and to comprehend her own sexual identity issues and to know if she could live with this. I have so much guilt about the pains I am causing her...

06 Sep 2007
Tomorrow’s another big day
Last night I had lunch with that friend I talked to you about. It went relatively well and I was able to keep my mouth shut. Kind of. I told him that I was waiting for a diagnosis and prognostic for a sickness that could permanently alter my life. I also said that unfortunately this was a condition that was feared by the general uninformed public and that I could not tell him more about it for now. He was very supportive and I know he would be supportive once he knows the condition. His grandma turned lesbian after she had her family. He could definitely relate but his big mouth is what scares me. Now tomorrow I go for my second meeting with the gender therapist and since I pretty much covered all the aspects of my life related to my inner questioning, he will probably ask me questions that will help me (an him) specify the diagnosis. I will probably be able to ask how to handle my half-sister that I will have to confront with my problem tomorrow night and to survey with him what are the best ways to deal with my business acquaintances that inevitably remark changes in my attitude, mood and the likes. I hope I will be better armed to deal with all this.

05 Sep 2007
Meeting one of my best friend
I have always been bad at hiding my feelings and pretending. I will have a drink with one of my close friend later on tonight and I am a bit afraid of my internal turmoil. I hope I can hide it properly since although I cherished is friendship and kindness; he is also one of the biggest blabber mouth out there. I have got to watch out and pretend like I have never done it before. This is for the sake of my business, good name and interior comfort. I cannot talk about it to other until I know for sure what I have and until I decided a path, a time and a manner of disclosure. Again I see difficult times ahead…

Am I simply an obsessive compulsive? Current mood: scared
The strength of my interest in cross-dressing and the intensity with which it inhabits me scares me. Am I just an obsessive compulsive type or is the flood of all those years of denials just overwhelms me? I don't know anymore and I am more and more anguish to find out and to have a normal life (sort of speak) again.

Then again, the fear of being a TS and having to deal with this situation is also quite disturbing. As a matter of fact, this week-end I will have to tell my half-sister and her husband about my "internal questioning" since my SO told her that we were facing a potential couple break-up and that we will be telling them all what is happening this week-end. My half-sister is the closest friend of my SO and she needs to share her pain with somebody. At least I will have the chance to talk about it to my gender counsellor on Friday. Scary times to come but then again, the status quo is also quite impossible to stand…

04 Sep 2007
Another disturbing week-end
To change air, to empty our head of all the upheaval in our lives right now, My SO and I went south, to the beach in Maine. We got closer together, she understands more and more that "this thing" is not just a fantasy and it's not my fault. As for myself, I have a hard time sleeping or thinking straight (in both sense of the word). My mind, awake or asleep, is always drifting towards the thoughts of myself as a woman. I see woman on the streets and I envy their body, I see clothes in a shop, and I want to try them on, I am caress by my wife and I want her to suck my nipple and caress me as if I am a woman. Zs I sleep, I dream of all of these things. I am more and more concern that my mind has been taken over from the deep wish to change sex. I cannot escape it anymore and I am thorn at the idea of losing my wife, friends, the quiet life that I made for myself and possibly also losing my thriving consulting business as I am afraid that news of a sex change might scare away my actual and prospective customers. I am now living this dream/nightmare awake and asleep. I also started dreaming of ways to kill myself. It is becoming very scary and I will speak about it to my therapist on Friday. I also am wondering if a shot of testosterone could alleviate these recurring needs.

29 Aug 2007
What started it all
I have always felt different and was never happy about my appearance although others see me as a very attractive middle age man. I could say I was always in denial and that I forge myself in a way to be protected from my real inside feelings. But two weeks ago, I watched an episode of Larry King Live on CNNand the sparkle that was needed to shatter all my internal defences was ignited.

Another sad discussion Current mood: sad
Last night ÀI have had another very sad discussion with the person I love the most, my SO. She told me again that she loves me and always will but that she will not be able to go thru the ordeal of witnessing my sex change. I told her that I understand and that I could probably not go thru it myself if she was the one needing a sex change. I know how much we love each other and how much she already suffered by helping me get to where I am right now professionally. She was the "family income" while I got back to school doing my Master's degree, she was the one doing the chores while I was studying, she was the one waiting for me to succeed during the years I started my company and starved to get where I am today. Now she finally is proud of what I have become and she is risking losing it all over again because of my affliction. She cannot take it anymore and if I happen to be a TS, she will not want to be there witnessing the changes. I can certainly understand.
She is also feeling more and more isolated with this problem. She cannot talk about it with someone since we are not definitely positive with the diagnosis yet. She feels trapped and so do I.

28 Aug 2007
Got back from the gender counsellor Current mood: calm
I just got back from the gender counsellor. He seems like a good psychologist/sexologist. He's warm, has good listening skills and is caring. I spent the whole sessions telling my life story. He seemed amazed at the wealth of info I told him and at the knowledge of myself I seem to have. At one point, I told him that my wife thinks that I might not be a TS because of a possible fear of success that could lead me to become a TS instead of keeping the growing success I actually am now experiencing. He told me what if by becoming a TS you experienced an even greater success? He really surprised me with that question and I answered him that I had thought about it but that I was caught in the stealth/activist dilemma that is extensively talked about in the document So You Want to be a T-Girl, Chapter 2, PHASE II – PURGATORY: BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL. He then told me that we would have a lot of time to talk about it.
Anyway, at the end of the session I asked him how long it could take before he tells me his diagnosis as to ma I a TS or not, so I can get back to my wife and deal with her inability to cope with the matter. He told me it would take a least 4 to 5 sessions before he could make a judgment on that. Which means another month, at least…?

27 Aug 2007
The advantages of glue
It is the first time that I glued my prosthetic breast to myself. What a feeling! I jumped up and down and was ecstatic about the feeling of seeing my breast move with the rest of my body. I really wish they wee mine…

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