jeudi 27 mars 2008

Archive aug 2007 part 2

27 Aug 2007
24 hours before my first meeting with a gender specialist
Only 24 hours remaining for my first gender specialist appointment. I can't wait anymore. My gender questioning has become a constant background mental issue. I cannot function properly anymore as my mind is constantly working and questioning my gender. As I walk in the street, I look at other woman and wonder how I would be as a woman myself. I have spent the last week-end in man mode since my wife does not want to see me in a dress. It was constant mood swings and eager to have my bra and set of breast. My wife is distancing herself from me more and more and she is adjusting to the idea of living me. So my week-end was long and very difficult has I see myself battling with the thought of being a woman and the thought of losing my wife if in fact, I am one. I feel the inside turmoil, the fear, the guilt, the sadness of making my wife unhappy and causing her pain and the constant obsession about my gender issues, dreams and need. I am longing for answers…

23 Aug 2007
Feeling better
I'm just coming back from my family doctor. I had a regular appointment to renew some medicine and I got a chance to talk to her about my transsexual issues. It was the first time that I talked to someone (other than my wife) about the major turmoil I am living. It was a breeze of fresh air just to be able to get it out to someone who knows how to listen and give positive feedback. She told me that 15 years ago she used to oversee many transsexuals at another clinic. She reassured me that I could have a happy life even if I choose a marginal one (in the good sense). It felt good to talk with her. She also told me of a former patient of her that was a 6'4" FtM that lived a very positive life and of a former colleague that used to be a woman before she found out 6 months after she had known him that he used to be a woman. She also reassured me about my weight loss and depress state has being normal considering the enormous pressure cooker that I am in right now. I'll sleep better tonight…
I also had lunch with one of my business collaborator today. I told him of my internal turmoil without entering the specifics. I told him that I was waiting for diagnostics that could alter my life dramatically. I said it is a bit like if I was waiting to know if I am a leper or not… He reassured me of his friendship whatever happens but I know from reading the story of many TS that there are no certainties in these matters…

The panther and the bull
Last night I dreamed of a panther attacking a bull. Obviously the panther represented my female side and the bull ma male side. Now the panther was very aggressive (she was the one attacking) and the bull could only swing its head and try to get the panther off its head. I don not know which one won because I woke-up. I found it quite disturbing nevertheless…

As for my SO, last night was again very difficult. She is thinking more and more about leaving me and she is very scared of starting her life all over again.

22 Aug 2007
I got the blues
The last two days have been difficult. My SO is in her state of anger and looking more and more for the aftermath where she does not see me in the picture. She feels betrayed, sadden, sca4red of the prospect of starting her life again by herself. I am trying to tell her that on my part it is not over, that we still have to wait and see, but her mind is going pretty fast and she is sure that I am a trans and that she could not live with another woman. She is very scared of losing the man she loves and she does not want towait ans see the possible transformation.

She also helped paid for my return to university where I got an M.Sc. Now that is the time of payback, my business in finally lifting and now I might through all that away because of my condition and the choices I might take. She is destroyed by the whole thing. In other words, I have got a severe state of blues…. sadness, pain, fear, uncertainty, guilt and all the works…

21 Aug 2007
What’s the difference between a TV and A TS?
Five years!That's a joke somebody told me today, as I was looking for clues as how to get help...

Finally got an apointment
Next Tuesday I'll get an apointment to meet a psychologist/sxologist specializing in transgender situations. I cant wait to meet him and start the process of finding out what is all that tornado that I feel inside...

Now I’m really really scared Current mood: scared
I just read So Now You wann be a T-Girl? A realistic guide to the transitional journey. Now I'm really really scared!This was the aim of the document I suppose?

The more I read the more I get scare
Last night I read part of the book of Harry Benjamin where he discusses transsexuals' histories. I could not believe I was reading my own. Especially the part where he talked about a married transsexual that is imagining that his organ was the one of his wife while making love to her. I always liked more the position where I am under with my legs apart. In that position, I always really imagine that my organ was not my own but the one belonging to my partner. Scary, but reassuring at the same time. I am not the only one that experienced those strange feelings…

20 Aug 2007
Very hard to find a gender counsellor
It is very hard to find a gender specialist here in Quebec. Hope to get news from the various phone and emails I sent to get answers, I left a message to a renown gender therapist but his secretary told me he was already overbooked....Trying not to despair

A hell of a week-end
This week-end was again very disturbing to me and my SO. She is realizing more and more that my dream of being a woman I not just a passing fad. I was dress as a man all week-end and she could sense the despair I have tried to hide about it. We've discussed our sex together and she is more worry than ever that she is losing her man. She really loves me as a man but she's afraid she could not love me as I could transform and she does not want to event witness the possible changes. We agreed that until I get a confirm diagnosis about my GID, will try to live our life as if nothing ever happened. In the meantime, her family knows that she has marital problems that could lead to a possible break-up. But they do not know of the nature of our problems. She told them that it was a problem that did not affect the love that we share and that it was a problem that none of us were responsible for and that we were trying to solve as best as we can. As for my family and friends, nobody has a clue as to what is happening.

I also am thinking more and more about my possible transition and its impact on my couple, life, career, family and friends. The prospect is very daunting. I also look forward to finally know about the exact diagnostic and prognostic of my situation. The waiting is very hard on both of us. However, it gives my SO time to reflect and possibly change her mind if the diagnostic confirm what I believe it is.

To be continued…

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