Archive sept 2007 part 2

17 Sep 2007
My half sister is coming around
Saturday I have had a long discussion with my half-sister. She told me all the objections and concerns she had with me wanting and needing to be a woman. She could not understand why she did not pick-up anything all those years. She told me that she thought that I was seeing somebody that was bias since he is a gender specialist that sees a lot of transgender people. I told her that if I was schizophrenic, I might want to see the top specialist for that type of problem, why would it not be the same for tender problems? She also told me (as did my wife) that I might be suffering from a fear of success since this coming out is coinciding to a major burst of professional success in my life right now. I told her that when I was 10 and slept all night with my mother bra, imagining that I was a girl, I did not have a fear of success then. Or when I was 20, 25, 30, and so on and dreamt that I would wake-up in the body of my girlfriends or when I make love to my wife, being on the bottom, with wide open legs imagining that my penis is not my own but rather hers or ours (I have had this thoughts for years) I was not being afraid of success then. I nevertheless agreed t consult a psychiatrist to make sure of the diagnosis once it is confirm… That reassured her and we joked about how a shock it could be to see me as a woman…

Tonight, I'll have a cup of coffee with one of the girls from my MySpace friends. I look forward to meeting her since it is going to be the first time I ever discuss my issues with somebody that is already going thru the same changes that I am facing…

16 Sep 2007
I am slowly loosing my love
Slowly but surely I'll be losing my wife. We have been together for 13 years, I love her and she loves me. But the phases I'll go thru with this dysphoria seems to be to much for her to handle. She agreed to meet my gender therapist on her own and to ask him all the questions she could think of. But it seems she'll stay with me until our lease expires in the spring. By then I'll probably have been on hormonal therapy for a couple of months. I am just wishing so hard that she could change her mind! But for myself, I would certainly not follow her if the seats were reversed. I can certainly understand and relate. It hurts me so much to giver her pain…

14 Sep 2007
Just told another one of my brother
I have three brothers. One already knows. He is gay and initially reacted very well to the news. This afternoon, another of my brothers came by the office and I told him a well. The news flabbergasted him at first but he regained his composure and asked me several following questions as to how I came about this and so on. Then I explained that I did not believe I had any choice since the literature and experience of other that went thru what I am experimenting, said that if you do not treat this dysphoria, several depressions with idea of suicide would follow. He then told me that many people live with continuous depressions and that there where pills to treat depressive peoples. Then, if I go thru with this it will be because I choose so. I tried to tell him that it was not a matter of choice but rather a matter of survival and of being really myself and feeling fine about who I really was but he then got on to say "but you were happy all those years as a man?". I tried to reason him by saying that yes I was relatively happy all those years but now, the denial processes that blinded me all my life, do not work anymore and it has become a constant obsessions. I do not have any relieve event when I sleep since I am also dreaming of being a woman or of ways to kill myself. He then said again I will accept you the way you will be, you are my brother and I love yuou but you cannot convince me that it is not a choice. you could take pills for depression and control those hypothetic depressions for the rest of your life. But, if you choose top become a woman, it his a choice that you'll be making!

So I come out of this talk with mix feelings as I believe he will be accepting and loving me no matter what but that he will always believe that it will be a choice that I make. Good grief…


I hope he will come around, at some point, to accept the fact that it is a condition of no real willingness on my part and that I truly wished that I did not asked myself all those questions and could be living the rest of my life as a man. But it is not the case" I have those strong feelings and urges that are forcing me in that direction….

Looks like I will have to become a woman
I just got back from my gender therapist. He ended the session by saying "it is not a diagnosis yet but I am more and more confident that you will need to become a woman. I see a lot of people in my practice and many have so many confusing issues that for them having a sex change would be more problematic than it could ever be for you". What a relief!

But then again, he also told me that for TS, there always is the question of other stress related issues that comes with this type of change. He also told me that unfortunately, I have many of those outside issues. I am in a relationship with a woman I love and that relation might end. This is a major issue. I also am en entrepreneur and a public personality and speaker. These changes might affect my business and therefore this is another big issue for me. But then again, he told me that I was somebody with a lot of internal resources that are proven since my business is going so well. This inner strength will not disappear because of sex change. The drive that I have already shown starting my own practices will always be there and would help me adapt to any circumstances. He also told me that strangely enough he also has two other patients, one is a sales manager and the other one is a building contractor. He says that my questions and issues revolving around my business are the same as those two other individuals. Usually he receives people that work in bug business and that they do not loose their job or income since Canada has strict regulations against discrimination and since Quebecers are well accepting transgender people. But being your own boss and having to sell and receive contracts from outside clients might be different. But then again, I am already known for the excellent work I do and I am in a field that is growing rapi9dly and that already lacks expertise. So in a way it is reassuring. But Que sera sera and I'll have to adapt, no matter what the future holds…

If any of you were freelancer prior to your sex change and if you could share your experience with me, it would be very appreciated…

13 Sep 2007
Please comment and share Current mood: hopeful
I opened up this space as a way to get out of my isolation. So far, I received a few emails and that's it. I also am writing for myself and as a way to later remember the stages I went thru but receiving comments from you guys could certainly lift up my spirit in those difficult times….

Even more guilt Current mood: guilty
Last night, my wife came back from work in a shamble. It was a particularly hard day's work for her. Then the break-out about not wanting me to become a woman came. It was very emotional to watch and gives me even more guilt for the pain my condition is causing her. My therapist will probably tell me that this is not of my concern and that she will have to deal with her issues on her own. Nevertheless, I feel extremely sad for her, I share her pain and I am feeling tremendously guilty of being and wanting to become who I feel I really am. It is sooooo sad…

12 Sep 2007
How beautiful you all are
Seeing how beautiful you all are gives me hope for myself. So many questions are tormenting me! Will I throw away my peaceable life for a life of denial, torment and the possibility of looking like a freak? Will I Loose, my wife, my family, my friends, my customers, my profession I love so much, the readers of my business blog (100 000 a month), my speaking engagements, my lifestyle? And for what? For an obsession that I should have been a woman? At 6'2'' will I be a freak for the rest of my life? Will I be abandoned from my love without possibility of being loved again? So many questions, so few answers! But I got to tell you that reading several stories of t-girl out there, that looking at the pictures of you guys in MySpace, seeing how very tall t-girl can get around and how self employed and entrepreneur trans kept doing the same thing after the transformation, gives me hope.

Sometimes I tell myself that if I go thru all these ordeals, for which I am more and more convinced that I have to go thru, and that all the bad omens predicted in ''So you want to be a t-girl'' happen, I might just go at the other end of the world and start my life again. Or I could devote myself to the poor in Africa or wherever and help them being the person I truly believe that I am. I am so scared of all the changes to come and of all the negative feelings towards me that I already start receiving. This is giving me the creeps. But looking at my MySpace friend's profiles reassures me and comforts me. Thank you so much for just having shared your pictures, thoughts, experiences and advices. But then again, you already probably know how much it could be of help to someone that's going thru the stages I go thru right now...

It’s going to be hard
Last night I had 3 business events. I tried to picture myself being there as a woman rather than as a male. I work in information technology related field and it is still a very male dominated area. That being said, I also noticed that there was a lot of t-girl in this field, from reading many of your bios. As a matter of fact, I believe that after the porn industry, IT is probably the second most popular field of work, for transsexuals. Nevertheless, at one of this gathering, a geek supper, there was only one woman for maybe 35 men. Once I'll know about my situation and if I transition, I foresee a lot of upheaval to gain acceptance again amongst those people…

11 Sep 2007
I am now cut off
I just learned from my wife that my half-sister wants to meet with her on Friday. "C" told her to phone home so they'll schedule a time and Place but my half-sister responded that she would not for fear that I might answer the phone. She goes on to say that the both of them will "go thru it". What does that mean? I feel cut off. After the initial positive support reaction, I now feel like I am the freak that should stay in the closet. She told my SO that I was not aware of the tremendous consequence I made everybody suffer…

I believe I am! Last night, I also called my brother that knows all about the TS stuff to thank him for having had a talk with my half-sister. He was not as warm as when we talked about it last week and he told me that our half-sister did not understand why I wanted to go thru all of this and frankly that he did not understand either. Good grief, and me that thought that everything went well! I'll have to be very strong to face those reactions and the several others that will eventually come once they know about my issues. In the meantime, I'll certainly wait to know more about them for myself then I will see…

Was this the same for you?
If I am cross-dressed and masturbate, I feel so ashamed that I have to get rid of my fem clothes. But if I am cross-dressed and do my day as usual, I have no problem whatsoever. I feel myself, relax and I could stay cross-dress forever. Did any of you experience the same guilt?