jeudi 27 mars 2008

archives MySpace Aug 2007

17 Aug 2007
Why did I open this space
As all TS know, the questions and path towards being you, is a hard and lonely one. By starting this space on MySpace, I wanted to talk to myself and to the world, on an open and secured manner. The pictures that I posted are from me and so are the text and insights. But you see, I am sort of a local celebrity in my own professional sphere. My family and friends do not know of my torments and before I decide what to do, how to do it and the timeliness of it all, I am reassured that no one can recognise me (since you figured out that Celine White is not my real name) and that I can still read and express my thoughts and get insights from you guys. I want to specially thank Darlene and Andrea that already have been so nice, insightful and supportive in the private emails they sent me. I kiss and hug you guys for the love you shared. One day I'll certainly give back all this positive energy you have given me…

Thank you so much

16 Aug 2007
Why am I questionning myself?
The first day I went to school, I got beat up because the boyz considered I was a sissy. I had an older brother that assumed very early his feminine side. I remember a time that he draped himself in a blanket, making it a dress for himself. I wished I could do the same but he was very authoritative and HE WAS to be the mother. I also remember many times being attacked because of my brother exaggerated queerness. I reacted by becoming very macho. Around 11, I slept several times with my mother's bra, pretending I had breast. I kept doing that on and off for most of my life. But deep inside, I wish I was a girl.

Looking back now that several years have passed, I now realised that I was not that outgoing playboy I pretended to be. In fact, the first time I made love (I was seventeen) was with a women of 27 years old. She loved deflourishing young men. She came on to me and although I was quite happy about that, I was very shy and did not know what to do. I also have always been around men. I went to an exclusive boy's school. Then I joined the army. I also never had girlfriends during my teen. I was too scared do make any move. I was more on the pray side than on the hunting side. I also realize that in bed, I most enjoy being passive and be caress, as if I was a women. I'd rather have my nipple suck and my body caress for hours than to simply penetrate my partner. A sexologist I met after my wife found out that I started my cross-dressing again told me that I do not invest myself enough in my penis. She told me, from the way I described my own masturbation, that it was a sanitary way of doing it!!!

I often joked with all my girlfriends that I was a lesbian, meaning that I loved to caress and cuddle rather than penetrate. My wife often told me while we were making love : It seems like you wish to be in my place rather than yours? I always denied it but deep down inside, I did. I even dreamt several time that by a miracle, I would wake-up in the morning, in her body instead of mine. I also dreamt several times of past life were I was various women. I vividly remember seeing myself, at my wedding, in a dress, during the 12th century. That dream stayed with me till this day. I was so happy in that dream.

I also now realize that my cross-dressing is not just a sexual thing. I regularly cross-dress just doing my job (I work from home) without being excited about it. But it sure gives me a feeling of belonging that sooths me. I also took the COGIATI test that revealed that I am a second degree transsexual. It seems it's the most difficult path and it is a path that for my own happiness and mental stability, I have to explore further more. I have suffer enough and I also know that this path will also bring sadness and sorrow (it already does) but I hope that in the near future, I could smile with that smile that you can have when you are in synch with who you really are…

I have always wanted to be a woman, but i am 6’2
I am 6'2" and weight 200 pounds. I have a very square jaw and masculine body. But since my early childhood, i have always dream of being a girl. When I was 11 or 12 I would take my mother's bra and wear it all night, as I slept in the tent in our backyard. I have always feeled ashamed of who I am and of who I thought I should be. My older brother was the queer efeminate type and I always got harrassed for his personality. So early on I defended him and got in fights to defend our family honnor. I became a macho type, played football, been in the army, fist fought a lot. But i always were passive sexually. I also have always been very conformist. To society, to my familly, to whatever I thought I should do to conform to the norm, to whatever I thougt everybody expected of me. I also dreamt several time that I could interchange body with my girlfriends. But obviously that is not possible. I am seriously considering HRT and SRS but I also am quite affraid of everything I could loose and of becoming a freak and a circus show act for the rest of my life. What are your thougts on these?
By the way. The pictures you are seing here were taken a monthe ago. This was the first time in my life that I got out, en femme, with a bunch of transvestites in Montreal. I also did this make up myself with the guiding help of Luss, a transvestite extraordinaire from Montreal. Thanks Luss for an evfening I will never forget.

15 Aug 2007
A painfull talk
Last night and this morning I hava had a talk with my significant other and I shared the fact that I am more and more disturbed about my gender situation. I confided that I will seek answers by meeting with a top gender specialist in Montreal. He is a psychologist and a sexologist specialized in gender issues. My wife told me that if I was to become a woman, our relationship would end. But she also is aware of the pain that I suffer and is very supportive of the steps I am taking to find out for myself and to stop that persistent guilt and fear that I carried all my life.

14 Aug 2007
The road to self discovery is difficult Current mood: calm
As I am writing this entry, I am completelly dressed en femme. I just took several minutes talking to a TS consellor and i am about to take a rendez-vous with a psychologist to discuss my impulse and taste to become a women. I have always envy women and want to be one. But i am an heterosexual man living with the love of my life (a women). A year ago, she discovered a dress that I did not hide. We havec been together for 13 years and right from the start she told me not to cross-dress anymore cause it could be a sufficient reason to end our relationship. I obliged for several years but the urge was to strong. She never saw me in a dress and make-up until saturday morning, after reviewing a CNN interview with transxuals, the subject came back. She asked me if I wanted to be one and I said that if she died, I would pursue my dream of becoming a woman instantly. She then agreed to see the pictures of myself as a woman.By looking at the pictures you can also see in here, she realized that it was much more than a question of sexual arousal from being dress en femme. She told me I had a motherly look, And she is now more disturb than ever about the whole thing (and so am I). For myself, i am now more determine than ever to really find out for myself what i want and what I am. I am tired of all this guilt that I have been carrying for so long. This is the begining of another long journey that hopefully will help me really become the person that I am. I look foward to it with anguish, hopes and a lot of fears.

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