jeudi 27 mars 2008

Archive sept 2007 part 3

29 Sep 2007
The backlash Gangbang Current mood: tired
Yesterday I have had a drink with my brother in law and have received a phone call from one of my brother. Now my entire family is gangbanging on me. They are telling me (thru me brother) that I need to see a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychologist is not enough in their eyes. I need to see the real thing since I have had delusions in my life and this is just another one of them. What delusion did I have? I believed in extra-terrestrial and I believe that I might have been kidnap by them. So this is proof that I am crazy! Now, for the kidnapping part, let me tell you that 25 years ago, I went down to the States with two of my closest friends. On the way there, at night, we saw (all three of us), a bright shining light hovering above the car, on a deserted road. We remember starting the car after the sighting and being surprise of seeing deers in front and behind the car. Now I do not remember stopping the car and being astounded at the fact that deers where out there in the open road. My friends and I remembered the same thing and where puzzled about it. I event went to an hypnosis to try to get a sense of what happened to me during the missing memory lag. I could not get hypnotize since I am a type of person that is not hypnotizable. I told my family about that experience so there you go, I am crazy.

My brother started telling me other occurrence in my life where my family believes I was "over the top". I therefore need to see a psychiatrist since my current doctor is surely biased because he specializes in gender dysphoria and therefore, he is manufacturing transsexuals. None of them had read the abundant literature on gender dysphoria I provided them. I do not have gender dysphoria, I am crazy and I need to recognize that, That's it and that's all. My wife that now knows that I am a woman, she also is crazy and biased since I brainwashed her with all my craziness and very persuasive mind. The literature is also biased in wanting them to believe all the sickness in my mind.

Now I already have an appointment with a psychiatrist that I had been seeing for years. they do not know about that since they are not asking me questions about how my problem started or what are the steps that are already set in the various therapy I am currently following. They just want me to be crazy, well another type of craziness that would not affect theirs little comfortable life. If I was psychotic, it would be reassuring since they would not care! But if I am a transsexual, Ho my! What a shock! They might have to walk besides me on the street some day!

I told my brother in rage, Listen, how many diagnosis do I have to get before you will start to wonder about me, about the pain I suffer, about the fear I am facing, about the enormous lost I already experiment? What will it take for you to stop looking at my dysphoria as a problem that I force into you and rather see the pain I know my sickness does to you? I suffer myself and now I have to take on my shoulder all the pain it is causing everybody and be responsible and guilty of it all. I am now that selfish freak that does not care for the well being of others and just want to experience my own freakish trip to become a woman!

I am so hurt and mad like I have never been before. I am now thinking of cutting myself from my family. I know that the steps to acceptance includes "the negation" of the diagnosis. But I am not ready to be pointed out as a fucking crazy bastard that seems happy to hurt everyone. I am not ready to see myself has a selfish manipulative guru that lied to my wife, therapist and the world. I am ready to answer any questions regarding my life, diagnosis, experience, trauma, insights and so forth. I am ready to be challenged but I will not embark on the ambulance to "cookoo's nest" they all see I deserve. I will seek a second, third and fourth opinion but not for the sole aim at finding other diagnosis that is less challenging to them all. I'll do it for myself and myself only. If their hearts were open and really caring they would have asked me what I already was doing rather than dictating me what I should be doing for their sake! It is going to be a very long, hurtfull week-end and the pain will probably never go away…


Last night, I also met and told my wife's son about my condition. "T" has been in my life for 13 years and I was a father figure to him. He told me "it takes balls to do what you have to do to survive". He told me that no matter what, I'll always be the one that was there to cheer him up, to guide him in his difficult time, to help him out when he was in pain and to love him when the times where harsh. He also told me that no matter what, he will always be proud to walk besides me on the st6reet, to sit at a café and to see me as the woman I must become to survive. I cried of hapyness…
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28 Sep 2007
The backlash Current mood: infuriated
My gay brother that was the first to know about my condition and that was supportive has he has never been towards me in his life his turning back on me now. Along with my half sister, they are now saying that since they never suspected me of cross-dressing since childhood, I am now a manipulative freak that convinced everybody, including my wife and therapist, that I was transgender just to experiment being a woman. They believe that I have some sort of a mental trip that I am so good at selling the idea to everybody that I entice them in my freaking direction. They insist I see a psychiatrist to get a second opinion since my therapist that is a PhD in psychology and an M.Sc in sexology and that has been helping transgender people for 27 years, is biased in directing me to become a woman. They are also saying that all my life I have been having those weird mental trips and that this one is just another one of them. I have in fact been believing in extra-terrestrial and had at some point started an M.Sc. in anthropology on phenomenon of transe (which I later abandoned because of weird nightmares). They are telling my wife (which also is a psychologist) that she is under my spell and that she is biased in believing I was suffering from GID.

My brother told me that I was too old for having that "mental trip" of becoming a sexy young woman and that since I was very old I would be a freak, living alone for the rest of my life and screwing up everyone lives, including my own, for an irrational transvestite daydream. I am now so shock, hurt and mad that I feel I have to distance myself from them. I know that it is very hard for family members to deal with my dysphoria and that denial is just one of the steps. But I can't cope with the fact that they did not read the literature I provided them (they are telling my wife that anyhow I am so manipulative that I choose literature that just reinsert them to believe in my fantasy), that they'd rather believe that I am a sick manipulative deranged person, than to believe I am somebody that truly suffer from GID. This also shows me how they have always been putting me down all my life and how I have always tried to show them my successes that they never acknowledged anyway. My wife is hurt because they believe she is a poor gullible victim of the guru that I am and I am so mad that they'd rather think I am a selfish manipulative freak rather than trying to reason me on grounds that they could research and question. I will definitely go see a psychiatrist and get a second opinion from somebody that is not in the field of gender dysphoria but they will never know his diagnosis, even if he thinks I have no co-morbidity problems. I will ignore them and stop trying to convince them of the truthfulness of my condition. I also am very scared of the day I'll be a woman and the thought of wondering if somebody will ever have the guts to sit beside me, in a crowded place, in broad day light?
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26 Sep 2007
GID is a sickness
Gender Identity Disorder (or Dysphoria) is an illness, becoming a transsexual is the transitional remedy that will allow you to become the woman who then is the state of wellness and the recovery from the GID sickness. Yesterday I have had that argument with a lovely transgender woman that provides phone support and references to the Montreal transgender community. She told me GID is not a sickness, it is a state of being. I said to her, do not say that, I suffer a hell of a lot and GID is still in DSM-IV. Furthermore, if we argue that GID is not a sickness how the hell are we going to be able to have government recognition and free care for the numerous operations that we all need so desperately? I for myself really wish I did not have that bell that is turning my life upside down. I wish I could still have my denial mechanism that allowed me to not be bothered with my dysphoria. But now I am stuck with the realisation that I am a woman inside and that I have no choice but to solve that problem. It is a problem. It is a sickness and IO look forward to becoming a woman to finally get rid of that constant obsession that I am one. I also wish that government and health agencies were being able to cover for the mountain of expenses that sickness will cost me. I even will make it a point of honour to fight for and to tell people about how this sickness makes me (and my wife, family and friends) suffer and I'll do everything I can to help out others that are stuck with this sickness. I'll do so when I'll be cured myself and when my life will be in a lesser state of constant pain than it is right now. I'll also do whatever I can to make sure that someday, sisters in need, can have the care they need without having to be over anxious about money issues. It is enough to go thru what we all go thru without having to fight for services and to pay from your own pocket, the cost of all the medicinal support that will be needed. It is a disgrace that I am now fully aware of.
By the way, I just got back from my first laser treatment session for my beard and torso. WOW, how painful is that, especially near the nose. I almost fainted. I hope me therapist can do a great job cause I am now very afraid of the needles that will be necessary to kill the remaining hairs. I also thank my gene for having no other hair to threat. (my sexologist thought I I shaved my arms. Which obviously was never the case.
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25 Sep 2007
Laser hair removal tomorow
I'll start laser hair removal tomorow. It's not that going to be such a big task. I have my beard and a few hair on my chest. Even my beard is so scarced that I could never grow a full beard. Within less then 10 sessions I'll be hair free....
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Managing the wait
So much stuff to do and so much waiting for so little time. I might not get an appointment with an endocrinologist before November. How will I sleep in the meantime? I'll go see my family doctor and ask for anti-depressive. I only slept 3 hours per might for the last week. Of all the stuff I have to manage on top of my business and family crisis, I do have to find time to learn how to speak, move, think, act like a woman. I also have to do this in the privacy of my office since my wife cannot witness any part of my female side since it hurts her so much. I do have to answer mandates of my clients and I do have to keep pushing to get to the resources I so desperately need and I'll have to find a way to finance all that.

Yesterday I met with one of my partner and a friend that is a PR guy specialising in Crisis management. They both told me that the news of my dysphoria will make the front page of every newspaper in the province and that I'll have media requests pilling up at my door. They also told me not to worry so much about the survival of my practice since business people already know where the money they make is coming from and that they will have a good memory of who jolted those benefits for them. They also believe that I should come out right now and allow the media to follow my transformation and that it could even pay for my surgeries. But then again, I do not want to become a media circus freak and I am aware that the acceptance I will receive from strangers will be closely related to what I will look like. I would then rather wait until several months of HRT and a facial feminization surgery. Anyhow, so much to think about, so much to do and yes, I also have to find an apartment and move out of my home…
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24 Sep 2007
I now have my diagnosis Current mood: relieved
I have a severe state of GID and I'll need to undergo the triadic components of the HBIGDA. I also have a referral for an endocrinologist to start hormonal therapy. I feel relieved, scared, supported and alone.
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Crying Current mood: sad
I must have cried four times in my life. This week-end was one of them. My love and I will be separated by next month. At least that's what the plan is. She cannot witness the changes I am about to go thru. We love each other dearly but I have to express my femme side more and more and every time she sees a glimpse of that side it hurts her profoundly. She does not want to loose her man and to me he already his on his final journey. Since I recognized and accepted that I always wanted to be a woman, my psychic changed dramatically. I now feel I want to shout to the world that I am a woman. But she cannot cope with that, she cannot witness the changes and she cannot love a woman. She needs a penis and a virile image in her life and it is destroying her to see that vanish. So event though we profoundly love each other, I will start looking for a new place to build this new life that's awaiting me. I cried and I cried and I felt those emotions that were estranged to me for my whole life. And I am not on hormones yet…
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22 Sep 2007
We are going to split Current mood: melancholy
Yesterday and the day before were particularly dense. On Thursday I went to a trans support group. The experience was, I should say it, shocking. All the trans that were there, were very courageous in being what they are but they were all very disturbed at the same time. In the room there were prostitutes, drug addicts and so on. It left me wondering if there were meetings of successful TS that would want to share their experience. But then again, happy people do not meet to share their happiness. There are no meetings for healthy TS. The thing is that in order to get funding from government, you have to talk about HEV, drug, prostitution and transexualism. Talking only about transgender issues does not get you a penny from the government. So I suspect that TS that do not identify with the score of problems that could be a part of TS life do not go there. Anyway, let's say that besides the tremendous courage those women are showing in f dealing with their numerous problems, it is not really reassuring to be amongst them.

Yesterday I went to see my gender therapist and so did my wife. I asked him if there were other possible ways of getting rid of that constant mental battle that is happening in my head. I asked him if I could get a shot of testosterone to get rid of my very persistent desire to be a woman. Am I just of obsessive CD? Are there other ways to rebuild the mental defences that helped me to hide and deal with my needs to be a woman, so I could keep my actual life without having to make everybody suffer around me and without jeopardising my professional future? He told me that besides the unlikely discovery of a mental illness (we have not finished yet the story of my life and are still in the diagnosis process), I would have probably no other choice than starting hormones and becoming a woman. Then, my wife went to see him to ask him all the questions about me. She came back very calm but with an understanding of the pain and turmoil I suffer and of the fact that I also am very aware of the pain and anxiousness I am creating in others. That fact, he told her, is also a very good indication of my mental stability. He also told her of my little interest in my penis, of my long time questions about my gender and of the fact that I do not cross-dress for sexual pleasure. All being other elements pointing towards a sex change. So event though we love each other, she could not stay with me and witness all of the challenges and changes to come. We will have to split, but I have hopes that when everything is done, she might get back to me. She also reassured me that we will stay bests friends and that she will be there for me. Just, not on a daily basis. I can't help but understand her. I would probably not stand by her if she needed to become a man. So I can certainly relate. I also am aware of her bi-sexual potential and I am hoping that when she'll see me as the good looking woman I could become, she will have a change of heart. So last night was very emotional for both of us but it also was very calm and respectful of the challenges and roads we both have no other choice to follow.

we will be together for a couple more weeks, waiting for the final verdict we both already know. Then I will move out of our place and find one of my own.
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18 Sep 2007
My happiness makes her sad Current mood: sad
Yesterday (as said in the previous post) was a very good day. So last night and this morning I seemed very happy and relax which in a way, contrast with all the long faces of the past several weeks. So my wife (we are not married but have been together for the past 13 years and I love her dearly) noticed my change of mood and asked me what it was all about. I started by saying that I came out to a business partner and that his reaction was very positive. In fact, he sent me an email this morning stating how supportive he is of all the turmoil I am about to go thru. Just saying, that sent her in a deep sadness as she is seeing that I already crossed the point of no return since I am now telling my business partners about the upcoming changes. She told me that she does not want to believe I will be becoming a woman, that it is a nightmare she cannot wake up from and that she will not be by my side to go thru those changes. She has to protect herself and she will not go see my therapist on Friday since she now sees no point in trying to find other answers to my condition since I already seem to be on the path to self changes. She then left for work sad as I not often have seen her. I really worry for her and her sadness makes me feel guilty of my own happiness and turn my stomach with sorrow.
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17 Sep 2007
Quite a wonderful day Current mood: relieved
I'm just coming back from lunch with a business partner. He is a partner in the sense that I am helping him out with a scientific event his holding every year and our association gives my business credentials. So he is not a major partner per se but an important one for the visibility and credibility of the services I offer. He is a sweet and gentle man. I really like him and he likes my brain and the flow of ideas I give him. I reassured me that whatever my gender, he will always be proud to partner with me. I joked with him that in a year from now, I might be willing to sweep the floor of his lab just to get by. He then reassured me that if I ever was in trouble and needing of a place to work, he would use me for more important task than sweep the floor.

Then I took a coffee with my new friend, Newfound Venus. She is such a sweet and cute girl that is still shy about being the lovely lady that she already is. She was dress androgyny which was more awkward than being the woman she already is. But everyone goes at their own pace and I am certainly not qualified to be the judge of anybodies coming out. We had such a good conversation (she also is quite a brain that goes with the body) and enlighten one. We chatted about her trans life and issues and about mine. It was such a relief to finally be able to share what I am going thru with somebody that already took the steps (and what a result!). We will definitely see each other again and discuss and practice make-up, dressing, manners and all what we need to learn to be the woman we dream. She is only 22 but I did not feel the age gap (unless for the respective "vous" in French, that we usually say to elderly) and quite a niece time in her company. We event might go together to a Trans meeting in Montreal, shopping or on a night out… I am so happy and relieve to find out that the mountain in front of me is a mountain I could climb…

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